Page 34 of A Haven of Brimstone and Darkness

"Henric was good at hiding," Ariadne says. "It took me ten years to find you."

"You came the night my father died." My voice sounds hollow even to my own ears. I'm no longer fighting Ruen's hold. Instead, I sag back into him. I lift my gaze to meet my mother's. "Then why didn't you stop him from dying?" If she couldn't stay with me then why ... hadn't she at least let me have the one parent that wanted me?

A single tear escapes her eyes and rolls down her dirty cheek, clearing a path of skin so pale that it's almost translucent beneath the dirt dusting her flesh. I close my eyes already knowing the answer before Caedmon speaks it.

"Certain things had to happen for you to reach this part of your life, Kiera."

Certain things ... like the blood contract with Ophelia. The small dark room where I'd been burned, bruised, and beaten in a manner of training. The decade of service to the Underworld. The blood on my hands that I'll never be able to wash off. The people I've killed. The lives I've watched extinguish. The pain I've lived with.

When I reopen my eyes, I ignore Caedmon and focus on Ariadne.

"So, you left." A simple action that caused so much destruction in its wake. Perhaps if she hadn't then there would have been no pain, no disaster, no death, and no blood contract. I would not have ended up here, soaked in blood down to the marrow of my bones, with nightmares clawing at the backs of my eyes every time I lie down to sleep. If only she had stayed, I would have been different.

As if she can hear the thoughts tumbling through my head, burning in my mind, she takes a step towards me once more. Her arm stretches through the bars of her cell, the sharp edges of them cutting into her forearm as she reaches out. I jerk from the gentle gesture, my back slamming into Ruen's front. It’s so foreign to me that she would take my anger and then … try to touch me.

“I’m so sorry," she croaks. More tears fall from her lashes, cascading down her cheeks.

I feel numb. As if all the rage I'd held for her before has been stolen away.

No apologies can turn back the clock now and erase the damage that has already been dealt.

“I never wanted to leave you,” she repeats the words. "I wanted you. I love you. My baby. Daughter-mine."

Ruen is the only thing holding me up now. One strong arm weaves around my middle and the other reaches for my hand. My fingers are cold against his warm ones.

“You still did,” I remind her dully. “Your wants mean nothing to me, only your choices. Had you stayed, none of what happened to me would have come to pass. My father’s death. The blood contract. The people I've killed.Everything."

One choice was all it took for her to completely ruin my life. At the time of my father's death, I would have been so grateful for her presence. Even if she couldn't save him, she could have saved me.

“It was to protect you, Kiera.” Her brow scrunches as if pain is overwhelming her.

Does it hurt?I wonder. I hope it fucking does. I hope that she feels at least a fraction of the agony I have suffered for the last ten years. If even it was only that much, I know that it would still feel like thousands of burning blades piercing her skin.

More than the knowledge that Caedmon had known and orchestrated my fate from the very moment of my birth, the most painful thing of all is the fact that had she fought fate for me, I might have been a different person.

And it's in this moment, as I stare back at a face that reflects mine so fucking much, that I realize—true pain doesn't come from monsters. It comes from those who claim to love you.

Chapter 16

Kiera

"Kiera, slow down!" I don't listen to Ruen's call, choosing instead to take the stairs leading out of the secret underground prison two at a time until the fresh warm air of the level above slaps me in the face. Even then, I don't stop moving. The second my feet land on the final step, I practically leap out of the stairwell and start running.

Down the darkened corridors, through the maze of tunnels that Ara's mental map had given me. Into the great hall of Ortus Academy and then finally to the residential corridor full of bedchambers. All the while, I can sense Ruen's hurried steps keeping pace behind me. The door to my bedchamber comes into view and I cross the last distance to it with such incredible speed that it doesn't even feel as if my feet are touching the ground.

My chest heaves with great effort as that long-ago memory spurs me on.No one is coming to save you. No one is coming to save you. No one is coming to save you.

Damn it. Tears well within my eyes, hot and heavy. I try to shove them back, knowing after the last ten years of my life that no amount of tears will ever ease any type of pain. They simply make a person weaker than the circumstances they face. Strongwomen don't cry. They don't curl into balls and beg the universe for a savior. They don't wait like the damsels in fairytales. If I'd waited for someone to save me in the Underworld, then I would have died years ago.

Even if I didn't know it back then, the fact is, Caedmon had at least taught me one thing—all of that bullshit Tryphone spouts about how mortals can't kill gods is just that. Bullshit.

I slam into my room and grab ahold of the door's edge, meaning to close it behind me and lock it when Ruen's bulky frame barrels past me at the last second. Panting, heaving, covered in dust and sweat and trembling from the sheer force of my emotions, I release the door and point.

"Get out," I snap, proud of the way my voice doesn't betray the rage and pain and betrayal stinging at the back of my eyes.

Ruen doesn't speak for a moment, his chest rising and falling as he takes in several lungfuls of air. Then he steps forward. "Kiera?—"

"Get out!" I scream, uncaring of who I wake now. I can't do this. I can't be alone with him. I can't let him—anyone—see me like this.

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