The fear twists in my stomach.
What if he's out there right now, charming someone who isn't about to skip town for grad school? Someone easier, less complicated?
I shake the thought away. No, I won't spiral into what-ifs.
"Maybe he's just busy," I tell myself, trying to sound convincing. But who am I kidding? It's Liam. If he wanted to talk to me, he would.
I consider calling him, dialing his number just to hear his voice, to gauge his reaction to my news. But the thought of his possible indifference is too much to bear. I want him to be excited for me, to share in this huge step. But I can't force that from him.
Instead, I hit Nadia's name on my contact list and bring the phone to my ear. The rings are a countdown, each one ramping up my anxiety until she answers.
"Hey, Shy," Nadia's voice is a balm, familiar and warm.
"Hey," I reply, my voice steadier than I feel. "I did it—I submitted the application."
"Shiloh! Oh my God, you finally did it!" Nadia's cheer is infectious, and for a moment, we're both just giggling and freaking out together over the line, two friends on the brink of realizing a dream we've harbored since undergrad.
But as the initial thrill wanes, a sigh slips from my lips unbidden—a sound too heavy for this celebratory call.
"Hey, what's with the sigh?" Nadia's tone shifts, a note of concern threading through her words. "This is what we've been talking about for ages. Why do you sound so down when our future is about to kick off?"
I swallow, feeling the weight of my hesitation like a stone in my gut. It's true, this has been our dream—to study in Dublin, to explore the world we've only seen in pictures and heard in stories.
But now, faced with the reality of leaving, there's a part of me that's tugging back, rooted to Boston by a connection that's as confusing as it is intoxicating.
"Oh, it's nothing," I say, the lie tasting bitter on my tongue. "Just pre-application jitters, I guess."
"Shiloh," Nadia presses, her voice gentle yet probing, "you know you can tell me anything, right? We've got no secrets between us."
My heart clenches. No secrets—except the one that's been consuming me these past weeks. The one involving a billionaire who's as enigmatic as he is commanding, whose attention has ensnared me in the most unexpected of ways.
"Okay," I exhale, the word more a surrender than an affirmation. "There's something...something I haven't told you."
"Spill it," Nadia commands softly, her curiosity piqued.
I stand up from my desk, pacing the limited space of my studio apartment. The Boston skyline blurs into a cascade of lights as my focus tunnels inward.
"It's Liam," I start, the confession feeling like stepping onto a tightrope. “I've been seeing him—more than seeing him, actually."
"Seeing him? As in dating?" Nadia's voice is cautiously optimistic, but I can hear the edges of surprise.
"Sort of," I admit, my fingers nervously tracing the edge of my desk. "We've been... sleeping together."
"Shiloh!" The shock in Nadia's voice mirrors the disbelief that still grips me every morning I wake up to this new reality.
"It’s kind of fucked up," I add before I lose my nerve. "He's—he's my boss, my ex’s brother… And he's this amazing, gorgeous man who has shown me things, done things—" My cheeks flush with heat as I remember the nights spent under his expert touch, "—the filthiest things that I didn’t even know I wanted."
"Wow, I..." Nadia trails off, and I imagine her trying to reconcile this bombshell with the Shiloh she knows—the one who's always been reserved and cautious with her heart.
"Before Liam, it was only ever Chris, you know?" I say, my voice barely a whisper, not daring to break the fragile thread of my confession.
"God, Shiloh," Nadia breathes out. "That's... that's a lot. But, hey, if he's treating you well and you're happy..."
"Am I happy?" I murmur, almost to myself. "I don't even know. It's complicated, Nadia. He's paid for this apartment, and it feels like he's using me sometimes. But then there are moments when it seems like more, and I just get so lost in it all."
"Shiloh, girl, you need to figure out what you want from this. Is he worth the risk?" Nadia advises, her tone steady despite the bombshell.
I chew on my lower lip, the weight of her words settling like stones in my stomach. "I know it's strange," I say, trying to steady my voice as I confess what's really troubling me, "but I wish Liam and I could be... more."