Page 41 of The Do-Over

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‘So, we’ve got two guys coming to look at the mill on Friday,’ I tell Rebecca and Ben a couple of days later. We’re taking a break from painting the window frames, as we’re expecting a plumber friend of Ben’s to give us a quote for putting a modern boiler into the cottage. Even though it’s late September, the weather is fine, with more in the forecast, so we’re confident that we’ll have them done before winter hits.

‘What qualifications do they have?’ Ben asks, a mischievous expression on his face. ‘If they can’t pull off a convincing “hey, nonny, no”, we’ll have to send them packing.’

‘OK, I admit I was perhaps stereotyping them a bit with the whole Morris dancing thing, but with names like Ernest and George, I doubt very much they’re in the first flush of youth.’

‘You don’t know that,’ Rebecca counters. ‘Old names are making a comeback. There’s a girl in Rollo’s class called Mabel. I didn’t think anyone was called Mabel any more. Apparently, there’s a Constance in reception as well.’

‘Oh, that’s unkind,’ Ben observes. ‘What if she turns out not to be constant at all? We had a girl called Felicity in my class atprimary school. She was the most deceitful little cow I think I’ve ever met.’

‘Really? How so?’ Rebecca leans forward as if interested, but the puppy dog eyes she’s giving Ben are very clear. From his expression, he’s not only picking up the signals, but he’s pretty happy with them too.

‘I’ll give you an example,’ Ben tells her, lowering his voice conspiratorially so she has to lean even closer. I notice she’s now positioned herself to give him the maximum benefit of her cleavage. Subtle, she is not.

‘There was another girl in our class, called Alison. Felicity absolutely hated her, for some reason, and was always trying to get her into trouble. Anyway, one day Alison couldn’t take it any more, and she apparently attacked Felicity in the girls’ toilets. There was a tussle and a mirror got broken. Felicity went straight to the headmistress in floods of tears and reported it. Alison was suspended for a week. I’ve never seen Felicity so happy.’

‘That’s nasty,’ Rebecca says.

‘Oh, it gets worse. I mean, it seemed out of character for Alison, but what we didn’t know at the time was that the incident never happened. There was another girl in Felicity’s gang called Olivia, who had a bit of a crush on me. She told me that it was Felicity who broke the mirror, and she made up the whole story about Alison attacking her.’

‘What a cow!’ Rebecca exclaims, somehow managing to look outraged and lovestruck at the same time. ‘What did you do?’

‘I urged Olivia to tell the headmistress what she knew, but she was scared of Felicity. That pissed me off, so when Alison came back, I made a point of being friends with her and looking out for her. Felicity and Olivia were livid, but I was more popular than they were, so they didn’t dare come after me.’

‘Aww. You’re so nice. Any girl would be lucky to have you as a friend.’ Rebecca has turned the flirtation up to the max, and it’s making me feel a bit queasy. Ben, I notice, is lapping it up. Thankfully, before this little scene can get any more nauseating, we’re interrupted by the arrival of Ben’s plumber friend, Chris.

‘Your best bet’s going to be oil,’ Chris observes after we’ve shown him round. He’s looked at the architectural drawings and made copious notes in scrawling writing on his pad. How he deciphers it later is anyone’s guess.

‘We were hoping for something a bit more eco-friendly,’ I tell him.

‘Yeah, no good here. Most of the eco stuff needs a really well-insulated house, and I think we can all agree this ain’t it. The only way you’re going to get this place warm is to pump a shitload of heat into it until the walls warm through, and heat pumps won’t do that.’

‘What about wood pellets?’ I persevere, keen to prove that I’ve done my research.

‘A few problems there. First, the boilers are bloody massive. You’d need to build an outhouse just for the boiler and the wood pellet hopper. Have you got planning for an outhouse?’

‘No,’ I admit. ‘But we could probably get it.’

‘Fine. But then you’ve got to keep filling the hopper. House like this, you’d be filling it every few days in winter. And after all that, you’ve got to empty out the ash. Ben says you’re developing this to sell on?’

‘That’s right.’

‘Steer clear of wood pellets then. They smell nice, but they’re a pain in the arse in every other way. Nope, as there’s no gashere, I reckon old-fashioned oil is your best bet. It still won’t be cheap, mind, even at mates’ rates. You need the boiler, the oil tank, radiators, all the plumbing. It’s a big job.’

‘Oil’s OK,’ Ben assures us. ‘It’s what most of the village has.’ He turns to Chris. ‘Can you run us up some numbers?’

‘Sure. I’ll have something with you by the end of the day.’

‘What’s the latest with you and Ben?’ I ask Rebecca as Ben walks Chris back to his van.

‘What do you mean?’ she replies guiltily.

‘Oh, I don’t know, I felt like I was a bit of a third wheel earlier. You were practically dry humping him, and he didn’t seem to be resisting.’

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about!’ she says archly.

‘Any girl would be lucky to haveyouas a friend, Ben,’ I say in a saccharine voice. ‘Will you be my special friend, Ben? Look at my cleavage, Ben, it’s all for you.’

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