Page 73 of The Do-Over

‘Were you ever going to tell me?’ I ask him gently after a while.

‘Tell you what?’

‘Come on, Alasdair, this is me you’re talking to.’

Another sigh, much deeper this time. ‘You figured it out, then.’

‘Yes.’

‘I came close, once or twice, but it never seemed the right moment.’

‘Why not?’

‘Because I was scared it would spook you and I’d lose you forever.’

‘When did it start?’

‘I can’t say precisely, but it wasn’t long after we became friends.’

‘Why the hell didn’t you say anything?’

‘Because it wouldn’t have been what you wanted to hear.’ His voice has an impassioned tone that I’ve never heard before. ‘You were focused on your career goals, and I understood that. I was too, in a lesser kind of way. When we started sleeping together, I knew it was only a casual thing, and in some ways that hurt because I obviously would have liked it to be more, but I knew that was all you had to give, and I told myself I was lucky to have that. Having a little bit of you was always better than the prospect of having none of you, and that’s what would have happened if I’d said anything. You know it’s true.’

Now it’s my turn to sigh. He’s right; I would have been spooked and probably dropped him like a hot brick.

‘You’ve always had my back,’ I say after another long silence.

‘Of course.’

‘What kind of person sets an alarm to remind them when they can contact someone else?’ I laugh.

‘I do. Although I didn’t really need it. I knew the date off by heart.’

‘But here’s what I don’t understand. You would have let me go. If I’d come out of that building with George, you would just have driven away.’

‘Yes.’

‘Why?’

‘Because that would have been what you’d chosen. There’s an old proverb?—’

‘If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it’s yours. If not, it was never meant to be,’ I interrupt.

‘Exactly, although you’re not a thing.’

‘Risky strategy.’

‘Yes, but it had to be your choice. It still does.’

There’s another long pause, both of us seemingly lost in our own thoughts.

‘Are you OK?’ he asks eventually.

‘I don’t know.’

‘It doesn’t have to change anything?—’

‘Of course it does!’ I exclaim. ‘How can it not? You expect me to carry on as normal, knowing what I know now?’

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