Page 32 of The Do-Over

‘Your application has come at a very opportune moment, Mrs Kennet,’ the head teacher tells us when we’re settled in her office at the end of the tour. ‘We’re normally heavily oversubscribed, but it just so happens that the family of one of the children in Rollo’s year is moving abroad, so we have a vacancy.’

‘I’m sure Rollo will be very happy here, won’t you, darling?’ Rebecca says, earning an enthusiastic nod from Rollo who, I suspect, has his mind firmly on the promised McDonald’s.

‘Great,’ Mrs Steadman says with a smile. ‘Now, you’ll have to forgive me as I’m not as experienced in these matters as I should be, but how does Rollo refer to you?’

Rebecca looks perplexed. ‘He calls me Mum,’ she says warily.

‘OK, and Miss Rogers?’

‘He calls me Thea, but I don’t really understand why that’s relevant.’

‘I just like to get these things right. We do have a couple of other children from blended families here, and it’s a bit of a minefield. I didn’t know if you were both Mum, or?—’

‘Mrs Steadman, we’re not in a relationship,’ I interrupt as I realise the assumption she’s made. ‘We’re just friends.’

Now it’s Mrs Steadman’s turn to look perplexed. ‘I’m sorry, I thought you said you were moving in together?’

‘Yes, but as friends. Separate bedrooms. I only came with Rebecca on the tour because this is my old school.’

Mrs Steadman’s face turns puce with embarrassment. ‘I’m so sorry. I will confess I was a little confused because of Mrs Kennet’s previous marital status, although I have heard of people who are surprisingly flexible in matters of the heart. I can only apologise.’

‘Don’t worry,’ I tell her, trying desperately not to catch Rebecca’s eye. ‘I should have been more clear.’

‘Some people aresurprisinglyflexible in matters of the heart,’ Rebecca says through tears of laughter as we pull out of the school gates and onto the road. ‘Don’t get me wrong, I love you to bits, but not like that.’

‘Why not?’ I ask, trying to stifle my own laughter and sound mock-affronted. ‘What’s the matter with me? I think you’re beingsurprisinglyinflexiblein matters of the heart, frankly. After all, we know you have a thing for corporate lawyers, and I tick that box. Plus, not to blow my own trumpet, but I’d like to think I’m a rather more attractive prospect than John Curbishley. What else do you need?’

‘Stop, I’m begging you!’ she howls.

‘I don’t understand what’s so funny,’ Rollo complains from the back.

‘It’s OK, darling,’ Rebecca tells him, still snorting with laughter. ‘Mrs Steadman just got the wrong end of the stick, that’s all.’

We’re still breaking out into occasional fits of giggles when we pull onto Mum and Phil’s driveway after lunch. As soon as he climbs out of the car, Rollo makes a beeline for Mum, who wraps him in a hug.

‘How did you get on at the school?’ she asks Rebecca once Rollo is ensconced in front of the TV and she’s put the kettle on. ‘I don’t know what it’s like now, but both Thea and Saffy thrived there.’

‘Yeah, good,’ Rebecca tells her as we both start laughing again.

‘What’s so funny?’

‘The head teacher thought Rebecca and I were a couple,’ I explain.

To my surprise, Mum doesn’t join in the laughter. ‘It’s not an unreasonable assumption,’ she remarks. ‘You two are very close. I’ve known Thea all her life and I’ve never seen her bond with someone the way she has with you, Rebecca. In fact, Phil and I were also wondering whether it was more than just friendship. It wouldn’t matter, of course. We just want you both to be happy.’

‘Mum!’ I exclaim in horror.

‘What? You’d make a lovely couple, and you’ve been single for so long I can’t remember whether you’re attracted to boys or girls.’

‘We’re just friends,’ I tell her strenuously. Of course, she never met Alasdair, as our relationship wasn’t really the ‘come and meet my parents’ type, and I don’t think she’d have approved of how casual it was.

‘Have it your way,’ she sighs. ‘I quite liked the idea, actually. It’d be one in the eye for Bridget down the road. She thinks she’s so modern because her son’s in a civil partnership, but I reckon an unemployed lesbian daughter going out with an equally unemployed single mother trumps that any day of the week.’

‘I’m so sorry to disappoint you yet again,’ I reply sarcastically.

‘Oh, you’ve never disappointed me,’ she says with a smile. ‘You’re just a bit of a mystery sometimes, that’s all.’

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