Page 18 of The Do-Over

‘Have you talked to her about it?’

‘Of course not! I’d just come across as whiny and needy. But it does make me wonder if that’s another part of the reason why I’ve driven myself so hard. There’s another quote I had to look up in the small hours. It turned out to come from an American Trappist monk by the name of Thomas Merton, who said: “People may spend their whole lives climbing the ladder of success only to find, once they reach the top, that the ladder is leaning against the wrong wall.” And that’s the big question, isn’t it? Is my ladder leaning against the wrong wall? I’ve realised Idon’t want to end up like John Curbishley, where people only come to my memorial out of duty. I want to die surrounded by people I love, and who love me in return. At the moment, I can’t see how a career at Morton Lansdowne is going to give me that. I may have proved that I’m not a waster like Dad financially, but I feel like I’ve clambered to the top of a mountain, only to realise that nobody apart from me cares because I’m completely alone.’

Alasdair studies me for a long time without speaking. I push my half-eaten breakfast to one side, no longer hungry, and sip my coffee, letting my thoughts run wild.

‘When was the last time you had a holiday?’ he asks eventually.

‘What’s that got to do with anything?’

‘I just wondered if time away from the office would do you good, help you to get some perspective. Are you finishing that?’ He indicates my plate, which he slides over to his side of the table when I shake my head.

‘I had a week at an all-inclusive in St Lucia last January. I thought I’d give myself a treat before the partnership application process kicked off in earnest.’

‘That sounds nice. Was it?’

‘No idea. I spent pretty much the whole time in the business centre. Mergers and Acquisitions don’t stop just because you’re not in the office. I was basically working remotely.’

‘But you’re a partner now. That gives you more control.’

‘It gives me more responsibility. And where do I go from here? Senior partner in X years and then what?’

He sighs. ‘You have got it bad, haven’t you? Do you need to speak to someone, do you think?’

‘I’m talking to you.’

‘I meant someone qualified. A counsellor. I’m pretty sure there’s something in the company wellbeing policy about them arranging therapy if you need it.’

‘And what signal would that give off? I’ll tell you. I might as well fix a red flashing light to my head with a sign that says “Look out. Thea’s not coping.” I’d be downgraded and sidelined faster than you could say “Told you she wasn’t up to it.” This isn’t about whether I’m coping or not.’

‘Isn’t it?’

‘No. It’s about whether Iwantto cope.’

‘OK, I get you. Final question from me.’

‘Go on.’

‘Let’s say you decide your ladder’s against the wrong wall, as you put it, and you chuck it all in. What else would you do?’

‘That’s the biggest kicker of all,’ I tell him. ‘I’ve no idea. But I suspect I’d still need to be the best at it.’

‘You’re a talented lawyer, Thea. That’s why they made you partner. Don’t underestimate that, and don’t let the events of one day derail you. The junior associates have a nickname for you, did you know that?’

‘No. Do I want to?’

‘I think you do, because it sums you up nicely. They call you Thearless. Get it? It’s the word fearless, but they’ve substituted in your name. People didn’t like John because he was an arse, not because he was a lawyer. People like and respect you, and I’m sure they’ll come to your funeral in droves because of that, OK? If it helps, I’ll even throw myself on your coffin and wail.’

I smile. ‘I’m not sure it does, but thank you.’

‘Like you said, this is just a wobble. We all have them from time to time. The trick is to recognise it for what it is, and not make potentially catastrophic career decisions based on it. So, here’s Dr Alasdair’s prescription. First, I’m going to take you home and use my magical sexual powers to flood you with good mood endorphins. Then, you’re going to take the whole of the rest of the weekend off.’

‘Your magical sexual powers? Is that what we’re calling them now?’

‘A guy can hope.’

‘The sex sounds fun, but I can’t take the weekend off.’

‘You can and you must. Go for walks, have a look at the world out there, think about what you want. Maybe even have a chat with your mum. Don’t look at your emails; they’ll all still be there on Monday morning. Try to imagine what life would be like without the cut and thrust of Morton Lansdowne. I guarantee you’ll be in the office champing at the bit come Monday morning, just like you were when they made you partner in the first place.’

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