Page 80 of Too Busy for Love

‘Hm. Anyway, all the vibes I was getting from you were that you’d settled and moved on. I spent hours analysing every conversation we’d had, trying to pick up the faintest clue that you felt the same as me, but there was nothing. Not a thing. I was happy for you, Jock, and I tried to do the same. But when The Mermaid project came up, I’ll admit I had my own daydream. In my dream, you and I were working together, doing what we do best and making a success of it. But it was much more than that. I had a fantasy, just as stupid as yours, that we would also be together again, but without any time limits.’

‘It can’t have been that important a dream if you promptly signed up the first celebrity chef that walked past.’

‘Have you listened to a word I’ve said? You werealwaysmy first choice, Jock. If the decision had been mine, I’d have been on the phone straight away. But it isn’t. I have business partners, and they overruled me. I tried to tell them that Margate wouldn’t be taken in by a cynical marketing ploy, but they felt Emilio would help to fill the place from day one, and you wouldn’t because nobody knew who you were.’

‘They’ve got a point,’ he concedes. ‘Emilio does have a big following. At least, hedid.’

‘Exactly. So, reluctantly, I went with the flow. Then Emilio got himself arrested and I seized the opportunity to revert to my original plan. I was so excited about speaking to you, and then it all went horribly wrong. I mean it when I say I’m sorry, Jock. I made a huge mess, but this isn’t about The Mermaid. It’s about you and me. Yes, I admit that I want you to come and cook at The Mermaid, because you’re a brilliant chef, but there’s much more to it than that. I’m going on an incredible adventure and I want to share it with you. Don’t you see, Jock? Career Beatrice and the Beatrice you say you fell for aren’t different people. I’m both of them, only not the automaton part. It’s not wrong to want to be good at what I do for work, but I’m still the Beatrice you say you fell for as well. I’m sorry for making such a mess of everything but I want to try to put it right, even if you decide you don’t want to come on the adventure with me. Because I care about you, Jock. You’re an incredible man and nobody has ever got me the way you do.’

He turns to look at me and I try to read his expression, but it’s inscrutable. I’m desperate for him to say something, anything.

‘I see you’re wearing your hair up again,’ he observes eventually.

‘What’s that got to do with anything?’

‘I always saw it as a metaphor.’

‘What?’

‘Hair up meant career mode. I fell for you when you let your hair down.’

‘Sorry, Jock, but that’s total bollocks. I put my hair up automatically at the moment because I’ve been working on a building site, among lots of machinery that would happily take my head off if loose hair got tangled in it. Look.’ I reach behind my head, yanking out the pins and the doughnut to let my hair fall loose around my shoulders. ‘Is that better?’

He smiles. God, I love his smile, and I was seriously starting to think I’d never see it again. ‘Have I been a bit of a dick?’ he asks.

‘No. Well, maybe just a little bit. But if anyone is the dick here, it’s me for not telling you the truth in the first place. I really am sorry.’

‘Can I ask you a question?’

‘Sure.’

‘Did you really daydream about me?’

‘More than you can imagine.’

‘Why didn’t you tell me how you felt?’

‘Why didn’t you? And, while I’m thinking about it, why did you tell me that Gregory’s was an upmarket restaurant?’

‘I didn’t. You jumped to that conclusion and it suited me not to correct you. It’s not exactly the career path I dreamed of, and I was embarrassed.’

‘Why are you working for him?’

He sighs. ‘I found out I was basically unemployable up here. Head-chef positions don’t come up very often, and nobody would take me on as a sous chef because I’d been a head chef before. Chefs are a paranoid bunch; you don’t want someone under you who’s used to being in charge, is possibly more capable than you and is definitely after your job. So, I hawkedmyself around, aiming lower and lower, until eventually Gregory took me on.’

‘I really don’t like him.’

‘He’s OK, actually. Yes, he’s a bit inflexible and he does like to spout his company-policy line, but he’s not a bad guy to work for.’

Silence falls again, but there’s no tension in it now. We’re both lost in our thoughts. After a while, his hand reaches out and takes mine. I savour the warmth of it, enjoying the effect the physical contact is having on me.

‘What happens now?’ I ask eventually, hoping he hasn’t noticed the slight tremble in my voice.

‘I don’t know. What do you want to happen?’

‘In my fantasy, this is the part where you’d take me in your arms and tell me you were never going to let me go again. We catch the next plane to London together and live happily ever after in this beautiful hotel by the sea.’

‘I can’t come to London with you on the next plane,’ he says softly.

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