Page 77 of Too Busy for Love

‘No. If I start allowing people to change things or swap things around, it all gets in a mess. So, you don’t want the toast. I say, “Fine, don’t have the toast,” but then you’ll say, “I’m not paying £10.99 because I didn’t have the toast.” Or you tell me you want to swap an egg for an extra sausage. Sausages are way more expensive than eggs. It all becomes a nightmare. The Olympic breakfast is what it is. Same with every other dish on the menu. No variation, no argument. Everyone has an easy life. Have you finished your tea?’

‘Yes, thank you. I’ll just sit and wait for Jock now.’

‘Umm, no.’

‘What?’

‘If you’re occupying a table, you have to order something.’

‘I did.’

‘Yes, but you’ve finished. So now you either have to leave or order something else.’

‘Are you for real?’

‘It’s company policy.’

‘For fuck’s sake. OK, I’ll have another cup of tea, please.’

‘We don’t sell tea on its own. It only comes with a meal.’

‘But I don’t want a meal! I’ve just had a bloody meal.’

‘And I need to make a living. How long does it take to drink a cup of tea? Fifteen, maybe twenty minutes? Half an hour at a push. You’re occupying a table for four for half an hour; I need more return than the price of a single cup of tea.’

‘Let me guess. Company policy?’

‘Yup.’

‘Fine. What’s the smallest meal that comes with a cup of tea?’

‘That would be our regular breakfast. Seven ninety-nine.’

‘Right. I’ll have one of those then.’

‘I need to take payment up front.’

‘Why? I’m literally sitting here, Gregory. I’m not leaving the building.’

‘Yes, but I believe you to be a hostile customer, and company policy states that we take payment up front from hostile customers.’

‘You are unbelievable,’ I tell him as I follow him to the counter and hand over my card.

‘Just trying to make a living,’ he replies. ‘Take a seat and I’ll bring your order out as soon as it’s ready.’

By the time my second breakfast arrives, the café is almost empty. The tea is still welcome, but I leave the food to congeal on the plate. There’s no way I could eat another thing, but I’ve decided to play Gregory at his own game. After twenty minutes or so, he comes back, but this time I’m ready for him.

‘Shall I take your plate?’ he asks.

‘No. I haven’t finished.’

‘But it’ll be cold by now.’

‘Is there anything in your company policy that states what temperature the food needs to be when I eat it?’

‘No, but…’ He peters out and I decide to press home my victory.

‘Your policy is that I have to order something if I’m to occupy a table. I’m occupying a table and I’ve ordered something, so I’m within policy. I’ll let you know when I’ve finished.’

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