Page 37 of Her Secret Santa

Instead, she seems to plan on spending it all on other people.

“Why are you giving all your money away?” I blurt out without thinking.

Both Clara and Allie turn to stare at me, twin looks of confusion on their faces. They share a glance, and I have a moment to regret saying anything, but then Allie’s mouth splits on a wide grin, and she elbows Clara teasingly.

“See?” she says. “Even your grumpy Santa agrees with me.”

Grumpy Santa, huh? I may not love the nickname, but I can’t deny that I like the thought of being hers. I like it just as much as I like the thought of her being mine.

“Because,” Clara says, rolling her eyes at both of us, “taking care of other people is what life is all about. It’s the right thing to do, and if I can help people less fortunate than me, that’s what I want to do. The kids at the home are worth taking care of. They deserve good in their lives.” She shrugs, stepping over the rope and into the display. There’s iron in her spine and certainty in her eyes, but my heart aches at the pain in her voice. “I don’tneedtaking care of. Not like they do. I’d rather take care of the people I love than save money for an emergency that may never even happen. The people in my life are worth everything to me.”

I stare at her in shock, my heart throbbing in my chest. I’ve never met someone who thinks the way she does. My dad has been dead for a decade now, but he did a lot of good in his life. He helped my uncle get sober, helped him get custody ofLandon. He’s probably the most generous person I knew before Clara, but even he didn’t take care of anyone else until he was well and truly set. My mom donates to charities and hosts events for various social justice groups, but it’s mostly because it makes her fit in with her socialite friends. I’ve just never seen anyone who’s so willing to put everyone’s needs before her own. No one else in my life has ever sacrificed what they want for the sake of someone else, much less for people they don’t even know.

And she may not have said it out loud, but the subtext is loud and clear. She doesn’t think of herself as worthy. I can see in her eyes that she believes damn near everyone else is worth more than she is, and I just can’t fathom it.

How could anyone be worth more than she is?

I’ve never met someone as incredible as her, never met someone who made me want to change. She’s so whollygood, and I find myself wanting to change, to make myself better for her. I want to deserve her, to be good enough for her. I no longer think of her as the pretty submissive I spend my nights with at Eternity. She’s more than that, more than a warm body and a person to indulge with. She’s someone I want to take care of, to pamper and spoil and spend lazy days on the couch with. I want more than a handful of hours a week together, more than anonymity and casual connection.

She’s worth more than that to me.

She’s wortheverythingto me.

If it’s anyone that suddenly doesn’t feel worthy, it’s me. Will she even want the man behind all the masks?

I’m realizing my life needs to undergo some pretty hefty changes, and I have no idea where to begin, but maybe I know where to start.

Chapter Sixteen

CLARA

“How are you settling in so far?” Heidi asks, a kind smile on her face.

She’s so good at her job, seemingly always ten steps ahead of the schedule and thinking about a million things before they come up. It’s been a little intimidating to see the scope of what she does, especially knowing that I’m expected to pick up at least some of this. I know her role isn’t what I’ll be doing long-term, but I want to be good at it while I do it.

“You’ve made things really easy so far,” I tell her honestly. “I’m almost halfway through the in-office guides.”

She rounds the small, but surprisingly sturdy desk she set me up at in her office to lean over my shoulder. Squared-framed glasses sit on her nose as she scans over the computer screen, nodding sharply. She offered to print the guides out for me several times, and judging by the stacks of paper files that sit in neat stacks on the shelves, I’d say she’s probably more the penand paper type. It’s not surprising, considering I’d guess she’s nearing seventy, but I find it charming.

“More than halfway,” she says approvingly. “You’ll be done by this afternoon. Take lunch for now, and when you finish, I’ll introduce you to the rest of the graphic design team.”

She took me by this morning to meet the head of the department, a bubbly blond man named Laike who looked like he was barely out of college but swore he was almost forty. I think I’ll fit in really well in his department.

Once I actually get there, at least.

“Thank you.” I glance back at the document I’m reading through, making sure I know where I am in case it reloads while I’m gone. “Could you show me where the staff room is? I missed it on my way in this morning.”

I was so nervous about being late on my first day—and one of the only days I’m actually expected to be in the office during my training period—that I got here almost an hour early and sat in my car until I saw employees file into the building.

“Did HR not schedule a tour with you?” Heidi asks, a small frown on her face. “I asked them to show you around when you came by with your laptop.”

“Oh, everyone was just so busy when I came by,” I say nervously. The last thing I want is to get someone in trouble. “I’m sure the holidays keep everyone in a bind, but it’s no problem to go explore a bit myself!”

Picking out my laptop and bringing it by to get programmed felt like a dream. I tried to get something a little more budget friendly, but the employees said that my boss expected me to get one of five models, all of which were top-of-the-line and costwaymore than I’ve ever spent on anything in my life.

“No need for that,” Heidi says, standing and brushing out the creases in her skirt. “I’d be happy to give you a proper tour, if you’d like.”

I’m still in shock at evenbeinghere, and the thought of following around someone who’s been in the company for decades is more than a little daunting. A plain but elegant skirt sits just above her knee, a perfectly pressed blue linen shirt tucked in at the waist.

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