Page 20 of The Fallen Ones

“Caleb—”

“Yes or no?”

“I-I this is too much.” I made to push away from him, but he kept me pinned to the door, his hands on my waist in a firm hold, his body pressed against mine.

“Lily, let go,” he said gently. “If you’re going to go to this party, you need to just let go. You’ll feel so much better once you do. You can’t run once you’re in the room. There’s nowhere to go but on your back.”

His words sent a thrill through my body. Maybe that’s what I needed. To be pinned. To be caged with no way out. Forced to my knees so I wouldn’t have to go to them on my own. Realization struck me like a bus.

“I don’t think I can,” I said. “I-I need someone to make me do it.”

He pulled away and frowned down at me, breaking the spell we were both under.

“What? You…want to be forced into it?”

I bit my bottom lip and contemplated it for a moment before nodding. “I think I need that.”

“Fuck.” He backed away and raked his fingers through his hair.

“God, I’m so broken, aren’t I?” I went to him, desperate for him to tell me I was fucked up and needed help, but at the same time, I wanted him to tell me it was OK to need this.

“You’re not broken,” he said, cradling my face. “I just don’t want you to get hurt. Fuck, it makes me sick thinking you’ll hurt. I don’t want that.”

“I won’t hurt,” I answered. “I need it to be this way. I need to be in a position where I can’t back out. You were right when you said I should go to this party. I’m clinging to my virginity like it’s the answer to all my problems. Maybe it’s what’s wrong with me. If I let it go, maybe I won’t fear a relationship or intimacy. I want someone to just take this burden away so I stop holding on so tightly.”

His Adam’s apple bobbed in his throat.

“Maybe you’re right,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. “Then nothing that I help you with tonight will be of any use to you. You need to just go in and let whatever happen, happen. If that’s how it needs to be, then…” his voice trailed off.

I understood. This would be a waste of time tonight if I were to pursue it. I pulled away from him, my body hating the distance and cold. I gave him my best smile.

“Let’s just forget about this.”

“Are you sure?”

I nodded and bit my bottom lip. “Yeah. This was weird, right?” A little laugh left me.

His lips tilted up in the corner for a moment. “Yeah, I guess it was. It would just make things weirder between us, huh?”

I hated those words. While I wanted to do this to learn, I also wanted to do it because it was getting harder to tamp down these emerging feelings I had for Caleb.

So instead of acknowledging any of them, I pulled my phone out.

“Want to order in Chinese?”

“Yeah, Lil bit. Let’s eat.”

I let a breath whoosh out and logged onto my delivery app, grateful for the distraction.

I’d almost gone way too far with Caleb.

Something within me still wasn’t sold on hating the idea though.

Chapter 8

Jace

Isat in my Range Rover staring out at the hoard of girls that had gather by my parking spot in front of the college campus, rocking their hips and pushing their chests out.

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