Page 45 of Sinful

SIN

“Sin! Hey! Wait up!” Ashes jogged through the falling snow toward me, his breath coming out in white puffs.

I paused, turning to wait for him to catch up to me.

“What?” I muttered when he was at my side.

“Hey, man. You know how Church is—”

“It doesn’t matter. It’s fine,” I cut him off, my words soft. “I get it. I’m not such an idiot that I fail to remember how badly I fucked up. I know what I did. I know why I did it. I regret it, but regrets don’t fix problems, do they?”

“Maybe they could. You’re obviously trying.”

I scoffed. “Asher, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” I started walking again, but he grabbed my arm and pulled me to a stop.

“It’s not fine,” he said, his gaze raking over me, sadness in his eyes. “I’m not against you coming home.”

My throat tightened at his words.

“I appreciate the sentiment, but that doesn’t fix anything.”

“Church just needs time,” he continued. “I think in time he’ll come around.”

“What about you? Huh? What do you need? Because I know you, Asher. You’re not ready for me to come back, either. You can say you are all you want as a way to try to soothe the wounds I’ve been licking but cut the shit. Be honest with me.”

He sighed and was quiet for a few moments before speaking. “I’m scared. OK? You can be unpredictable. Given what happened, yeah, it’s hard to trust you. I mean, thewhat-ifsare there, man. They’re there. I won’t lie about them. Stitches tried to kill himself, and then that shit in the facility happened to him. I barely kept my shit together. Church was a mess. He fucking heeled for them, Sinclair. It had to be bad to get him to heel. You know that. Then her. All she went through just because you couldn’t just let love in. So yeah. I’m fucking terrified you’ll get pissed off and lose it again and make shit decisions. I don’t want to have these feelings, but fuck, man. I do. OK? I fucking do.”

I nodded, absorbing his words like a punch to the gut.

“I understand,” I whispered. “It’s why I vowed to stay away from her. I want to keep her safe. Call it my penance. I meant what I said about that. The only way I can prove it is to simply do it. I’ll do it over and over again if that’s what it takes. If I never get to come home, so be it, but at least I can say I tried.”

We stared at one another for a moment.

“I’m going to go home. I’m tired,” I finally said. “You have my number if you need me. I’ll come if you call.”

“Come back to the house. I made some food—”

“I appreciate it, but I’d rather be alone.”

“Sinclair, come on.”

“I’m not trying to get your pity. I really do want to be alone right now. You have enough to deal with having Asylum there. Worry about your plans and getting Church home. I’ll be around.” I didn’t wait for him to ask me again because I knew he would. Instead, I continued down the trail, letting the snow fall around me.

* * *

I leanedagainst the shower tiles, my eyes closed and the knife firmly in my hand. I didn’t press the blade in as hard as I could. I ran small, shallow cuts along my abdomen, relishing the burning ache it brought. The ache that dulled the other one in my heart.

I hated feeling so fucking pitiful, but that’s what I was.

Pitiful.

Watching Sirena with the guys tonight only made me realize how alone I was now. How sad I was. How pathetic.

The knife slipped from my hand, clattering at my feet. I was done. I was too tired to keep hurting myself, at least for the night. Tomorrow was a new day.

I finished my shower and got out. After dressing, I went and lay in bed and thumbed through the photos on my phone. All of us guys. There were random, stupid photos, like Stitches catching a fish. Then him chasing Ashes with it. Ashes setting a garbage can on fire in the men’s room. Church giving the camera the finger, a joint hanging from his lips.

I paused over a picture I’d taken when Sirena first arrived here.

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