Page 27 of Into the Fire

I drove through the city, both of us quiet. When I reached the turn-off to our house, I bypassed it and kept going until we were outside city limits.

“Where are we going?” she asked, peering into the dark outside world.

“There’s a park up here I want to show you. It overlooks the lake.”

She said nothing as we drove, and when we pulled into the park, it was empty. The snow fell heavily around us as we stared out at the lake.

“I’m worried about you,” I finally said. “You’re not yourself.”

“I’m worried about you too.” She looked over at me.

I gave her a sad smile. “Sweetheart, you already know I’m a fucking mess. Nothing much has changed in that respect.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

I let out a breath, going in for a last-ditch effort. Two broken souls could surely help one another. . . right?

“I will if you will.”

She licked her bottom lip and turned to stare out at the lake from the front window.

“I have a lot of guilt and regret. I try to push it away all the time, but it keeps coming back. I don’t know how to make it go away. Just when I think everything will be OK, something comes along to remind me it won’t.”

I nodded. I understood that completely.

“I’m the same,” I offered.

“Ethan, can I tell you something and you promise you won’t tell anyone else?”

“Of course,” I murmured.

“This has been killing me inside.” She turned to fully face me. “New Year’s Eve. I went to my bedroom like Enzo told me to. Anson was in there, waiting for me.”

Nausea twisted my insides as I stared at her.

“He kissed me, Ethan,” she whispered. “I-I kissed him back for only a moment before I pushed him away and told him no. Fox saw the entire thing.”

I swallowed hard. “I see.”

Tears glistened in her eyes.

“I’m sorry. I promised Fox I wouldn’t tell you guys, but it’s one of the things eating at me. It compounded with my dad. . .” she trailed off and sniffled.

“Do you, I mean, what happens now?” I asked, my stomach in knots.

“Nothing. I want you guys.”

“You want him too though, don’t you?” I knew I needed the answer to this question. It would eat at me if I didn’t have it.

“Ethan, I-I care about him, but I know he can never be with me. I accepted that a long time ago. He’s not a horseman. Can’t have five horsemen, can we?” She let out a soft, sad laugh. “I’m OK with that. I love you all endlessly. Cole and Anson would kill one another. It’s better this way.”

She didn’t sound so sure, but I didn’t push her on it.

“Thank you for telling me,” I finally said into the silence.

“You hate me, don’t you?” Her voice shook.

“No, sweetheart, I don’t. I’d never hate you. You’re my moon and stars. How could I ever hate something that lights up my darkness?” I leaned in and brushed my lips against hers.

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