Page 121 of Ashes

Deciding it wasn’t the time to wallow in all my bullshit, I cleared my throat. “Let Church and Cadence sort it out. Church will win. He always does.”

“I don’t know.” Ashes peered into the darkness where the pair had disappeared. “Cady might give him a run for his money.”

“Church is good at running. I’m not worried.” I waved Ashes off. “Besides, I don’t hear any screaming or fighting.”

“You wouldn’t,” Ashes murmured. “Not with Church. He’s a stalker in the dark. He could be drowning her in a mud puddle right now, and we wouldn’t know it.”

“Good riddance.”

Ashes sighed but settled back in his seat. “Do you want to talk?”

“About what?” I grunted, staring at the night sky.

The stars twinkled overhead, reminding me how insignificant I was in this world.

“Anything. Sirena?”

I caught the expression in his eyes. Ashes was struggling. It wasn’t a surprise. I knew he was.

“Not really, but if you need to talk about her, I guess I’ll listen.”

Ashes breathed out, relaxing a bit more in his seat. “She kissed me. Before. . . everything.”

I nodded. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. Her lips were so soft. I could tell she was nervous, but man, I loved it. I loved that she was a bit hesitant. I had all these feelings pouring into me.” He stared at me with wide eyes. “Like, here was this absolutely perfect girl for all of us, and she needed us. She needed me to take things slowly. To show her. To let her explore. I don’t know. I-I’ve never felt this way about anyone in my life, man.” He grew quiet for a moment. “Is this love, Sin?”

I sighed and finished my joint. “Can’t be hate, right?” I repeated the words he’d said to me back when I was struggling with Bells.

A tiny smile shadowed his lips.

“I feel so small compared to my feelings. I just want to give her everything in the world. I want to make her breakfast in bed, rub her feet, kiss her, and tell her how I really feel. I even want to have kids. I’ve never wanted any of that before, but with Sirena?” He nodded. “I want it. I want it all with her.”

I didn’t know what to say. My heart ached. I’d made a vow. A promise to the watchers. A girl for all of us, and here I was, taking it all away. Hell, I’d already taken it away.

I should’ve been honest then. I should’ve told them I was out. That they could have a girl for the three of them. That I was too broken to love. That I wasn’t worth the fucking effort.

But then. . . I’d kissed Sirena. Touched her. Guilt and shame had warred it out in my heart. I wasn’t capable of giving her anything good. And she’d only break me further. I knew that. I fucking knew it all the way to my core.

If I could go back in time, I would’ve walked away. I wouldn’t have hurt her. I know I wouldn’t have. I would’ve let the guys have her and would’ve left to give them what they deserved. That perfect girl Ashes spoke of.

Instead, I’d ruined everything like I always did.

Story of my fucking life.

And once they found out about it, I was a dead man.

My days were numbered.

“Sin?”

“Yeah?” I rubbed my eyes.

“You love Sirena too, right?” The way Ashes said those words let me know one thing. He was worried.

“I’m incapable of loving. You know that,” I said softly. “I don’t even know what loving a girl even fucking is.”

“You’re not. You just have to let go—”

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