Page 39 of Bells

At what cost?

I needed to fucking breathe.

I walked back to the house and smoked a joint, letting the high wash through me. It was too early in the day for me to spend it blitzed the fuck out, but I needed an escape. I had another class soon, so once I finished smoking, I left.

“Hey,” Ashes called out to me as I walked through the outdoor commons minutes later after coming back from the house.

“Hey,” I muttered.

“You’re bleeding,” he said, falling in step with me. “Bells?”

I nodded wordlessly.

“You can’t keep doing this.” He sighed. “I’m worried.”

“Me too.” I stopped and turned to him. “I don’t know what to do, man. I love her. We’re having a kid. She’s just driving me fucking nuts though. Makes me feel like I’m a complete fuck up. I try to make things right. . .” I sighed and rubbed my eyes. I was fucking clueless at this point.

“Maybe it’s time to accept the relationship has run its course.”

“How is that possible when I got her pregnant?”

Ashes gave me a sad look. “You can still take care of your kid. It doesn’t mean you have to stick it out with her. For fuck’s sake, man, you’re bleeding. You’re going to have a hell of a scar on your arm and probably even other parts of your body. That’s not love. That’s assault, brother.”

I exhaled. “I know. I just. . . fuck, man. What do I do?”

“Talk to her. You need peace. No one should have to live like that. She’s telling you how she feels with every fight and every attack.”

“Maybe it’s a cry for help,” I said sadly, hating the pain his words brought me.

“Or maybe she’sreallytelling you, Sin.” He reached out and clapped me on the shoulder. “You’re not alone. Never think you are. We’re here for you. Always. You know that, right?”

“I know,” I mumbled, looking to the sky. It was growing dark as clouds gathered. I’d heard there was supposed to be a storm this evening. I loved when it stormed. I’d sit and stare out at the lake, watching the waves batter the shore. It matched my mood perfectly today.

“I gotta go, but think about it, OK?” Ashes said, backing away. “You need the peace. Believe me. We all do.”

“I know,” I said softly.

He gave me a nod and left. I turned and caught Asylum’s eye. He’d been watching me from a stone bench. He cocked his head at me, his face emotionless.

I broke contact with him, chills rushing through my body. He had a way of putting me on edge. The last thing I felt like dealing with today was him, so I turned and made my way into the school, promising myself I’d figure out a solution by the time classes ended for the day.

That solution would include me figuring out how to give Bells the love she deserved. The sort of love we could both live with because if her misery was anything like my own, then heaven have mercy on our souls.

The only thing I wanted was happiness. If I had to sacrifice my own for hers, I’d do it. I knew I would. I just fucking loved her. That’s all I knew. But I had to love me too. I knew that much. But how the hell do you love a monster whose own parents didn’t want him?

Maybe that was the problem the entire time. Not her.

Maybe it was me.

Feeling even more glum, I went to classes, a lead weight on my heart.

Tonight. We’ll figure it out tonight.

It was the best comfort I could tell myself.

I was pretty sure I was a damn liar though.

BELLS

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