Page 44 of Bells

And the baby.

Fuck.

What about the baby?

I wanted answers. I deserved them.

Or did I?

I didn’t know what the hell I deserved anymore. Maybe all of this. Who the hell knew.

I picked up my phone and stared down at her name on the screen. Hesitating for only a moment, I finally called her, listening as her phone rang. She’d left campus. That much I knew. Her guardian had come and picked her up yesterday. I didn’t even know who the hell her guardian was. She never talked about him. I just knew she had one. A male. That was all the information I had on the subject.

I hung up and dialed again. It went to her voicemail.

I cleared my throat. “Bells. Hey, it’s me. I-I just want to know what I did to deserve all this shit? Was I that awful to you? I-I don’t know what to do. The baby. . .” my voice shook and cracked. “Please. Whatever you do, just take care of our baby. Please. I-I know you’re having second thoughts. I miss you. Fuck, I hate that I do. And I love you.” I sniffled, hating myself for being so weak. “I just want to make sure you’re OK. Please. Even just a text letting me know you’re safe. That the baby is fine. You have a doctor’s appointment next week. Please don’t forget. Please go to it and take care of the baby. And yourself. I’m sorry for everything. If you come back. . .”

I wiped at my eyes.

“Text me. Call me. Doesn’t matter what time. I love you, Bells. I’m so sorry for everything. I-I’m sorry.” I disconnected the call and laid back in bed, hating that I was fucking crying again.

When I’d woken in the hospital after I’d survived the attempted murder and suicide from my father, my first thought had beenwhat did I do?

That same question rolled through my mind now. I’ve spent years wondering what I’d done wrong for my father to put that bullet through my chest and try to kill me. I’d never found the answer to that question. In therapy, they told me it wasn’t me. It was him. It was his sickness, not mine. I didn’t believe that for a moment. There was just something about me people hated. Even my mother tossed me aside when I’d needed her most. She said I was scaring her. That I scared her twerp of a husband she’d married. That I needed help.

I had needed help.

I’d needed her help, and she abandoned me.

Bells left me too.

Why? Fucking why?

Because I wasn’t worthy. It was the only answer I had. Bells was right. I was worthless. Useless. Something to be tossed aside when something better came along.

I sniffled and wiped at my eyes.

Whatever.

It didn’t fucking matter anymore. I knew Bells was different. I just didn’t think she’d do this to me. She had me fooled. Or maybe I had myself fooled.

Either way, I’d been played. Hard.

It fucking sucked.

I breathed out and focused on my feelings as I let them out to breed in my heart.

Hatred.

My love was turning to hatred.

The feeling ignited slowly within me, making me wince.

I exhaled again.

I needed to sleep.

My eyes closed as I steadied my anger and everything that came with it.

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