Page 70 of Jael

He gripped the steering wheel and thought for a minute before saying, “I’d been with—a few women.”

“You think I didn’t know that? It’s pretty normal behavior for a guy.”

“If it is, it shouldn’t be. But none of those women had ever meant anything to me. It had always been about me and what I wanted. I’m ashamed to say those women served a purpose that didn’t go beyond the physical. In a way, it protected me. It’s dangerous to let people get close.”

“That’s very true.”

“But I couldn’t protect myself from you. I felt something for you that I couldn’t comprehend. If it turned out you didn’t feel the same…I wasn’t prepared to handle that.”

Her pulse raced at his words. To hear someone speak to her like that was too much. She got out of the car and walked to the railing. When she heard him follow and could sense him behind her, she begged him in her mind to wrap his arms around herand hold her close. To tell her it would all be okay because they would have each other, and it would be enough.

“I’ve upset you,” he said after a stretched silence. “I’m sorry. I don’t expect anything from you. I think— Had I known the way your dad had treated you, I probably would have handled it differently. But we can’t change the past. All we have is what’s before us.”

She licked her lips to give herself time to get up the courage to ask. When she turned to him, she kept her hands stiff by her side. “And what’s before us?”

His eyes flicked back and forth between hers like he wanted to confess something, but when he opened his mouth, he said, “I don’t know.”

“Why did you come back? Was it really for the work?”

“No.” He turned his head to stare out over the city. “I wanted to check on you. See how you were doing. Make sure you were looking after yourself.” He shook his head and smiled sadly. “I can’t tell you how happy I was to learn about the foundation.”

“Why?”

“Because I knew it would make you happy. Even back then, I knew you had something inside of you that strove for good, even though you were mixed up in the bad.”

A flush of shame warmed her cheeks. “It has nothing to do with me being a good person.”

“Do you really believe there is nothing but darkness inside of you? That there’s nothing inside of you that reaches out for more?” He was looking at her again in that same way. He wanted from her what she couldn’t give him.

She jerked her head to tear her gaze away. She was unsure what it was about him that made her want to unburden herself, but she couldn’t stop herself from saying, “Vita Nova doesn’t make me happy.”

“But I thought?—”

“I do it out of desperation more than anything. But seeing the hurt other people are facing is… It’s heartbreaking.”

“Then why do you persist when it costs you so much?”

“Because at least I’m helping people now instead of hurting them.”

“Is that what it’s for? To make up for your past.”

“No.” She blinked rapidly at her tears. She hadn’t cried in a very long time and couldn’t understand why she was about to now. “Nothing will ever make up for that. But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t spend the rest of my life atoning. Maybe when I go to hell, they’ll turn the heat down a little for me.”

“Is that what you think?”

She huffed a cynical laugh. “Of course not. I’ll burn just as hot as my father.”

She flinched when his hand touched her arm. “You don’t have to.”

“I don’t have to what?”

“Burn in hell.”

Her eyes slid up to meet his, and they looked at each other for a long minute. “It’s what I deserve.”

“It’s what we all deserve. But there’s a way out.”

She was suddenly sober, seeing Danny for the first time. She knew exactly what he was talking about. She had sensed something different about him, and now she understood.

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