Page 130 of Hidden Ascent

Jay led her down a leafy sidewalk. It was a quiet street that left everything unsaid hovering before them.

“I take it you’ve been good?” Jay said.

“Work’s going well. I’m doing better. Learning to trust God with more stuff.”

“Good.”

Isla stopped walking. “Jay, I didn’t come here for small talk. I really came here to say sorry.”

“For what?”

“For the way I treated you.”

“You don’t have to apologize for anything. I expected too much. I made a mistake thinking we had something, and I put you in an uncomfortable position.”

“No. You were right. Something had developed between us, but I pushed you away because I didn’t know how to handle…anything. I wasn’t prepared for you and how you made me feel, and I screwed everything up. And I’m sorry because I think I hurt you. That was the last thing I wanted to do. It’s the last thing I ever want to do.”

He nodded. “Thank you for saying that, but I’m not sure what you want from me.”

“Nothing. I’m not here because I want anything. You’ve moved on, and that’s great—I mean, I want what’s best for you. I’m proud of you and who you are. I want you to know that.”

“You’re proud of me?”

“I am. I hope that doesn’t come across as condescending.”

“Not at all.”

“Right. Okay. Uh…I guess that’s it. Good luck with everything. I’ll find out from Peter how things are going for you. I won’t take up any more of your time. I know you have a lot going on.”

“Isla.”

“Yeah?”

“Why did you come here?”

“I told you. I wanted to apologize.”

“That’s it? You weren’t hoping for anything?”

“I—I don’t know what I expected.”

“I didn’t ask what you expected. I asked what you hoped for.”

The way he looked at her twisted her stomach into knots, but she couldn’t tell if he meant it to or not. Then he stepped closer.

“I hoped—” She looked at the ground. “I don’t know. I was afraid to hope.”

“I don’t want to play games with you. If you only came here to apologize and tell me you’re proud of me, that’s fine. Have a great life. But if you’ve come for another reason, I want you to be straight with me. You owe me that much.”

“You’re right. You deserve to know the truth.”

“Thank you.”

She could always run away after telling him what was really going on in her head. “The truth is that, when you weren’t at Peter’s when we got together for that dinner, I was more disappointed than I expected to be. I had been looking forward to seeing you, and you weren’t there, and I can’t stop thinking about you. The truth is that I’ve wanted so badly to see you, but I’ve been afraid that you don’t feel the same anymore. But if you have moved on, what can I do but be happy for you?”

“Happy for me?”

“Yes. If I’ve lost you, that’s my fault, and I’ll live with that.”

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