Page 77 of A Sinner's Saint

He nods and I pass him Luciano before heading back over to the chair next to Cammi’s bed. I hang my head. I don’t know howto fix this, how to fix us. How to fix her heart. And then an idea hits me.

I look up at her. “Ask me.”

“W… what?”

“Cammi, ask me.” I almost add the wordplease. She knows what I want her to say. I can see the indecision all over her face.

“No,” she says. “I can’t.”

Ever felt like you’ve been slapped by a tidal wave made out of bricks? Yeah. Not fucking pleasant. I’ve really fucked up here. She’s never said no to me before. “You can,” I tell her.

“I don’t want to,” she clarifies. “I can’t do this again, Vin. I can’t. I can’t.” She repeats herself while shaking her head from side to side.

“It’s okay. You know I’ll never force you to do anything you don’t want to do.”

“But you did,” she says, a single tear running down her cheek. I want to reach out and wipe it away. I almost do but I hold back. She doesn’t want me to touch her. “You forced me to let you go, Vin. I didn’t want to. I was so attached to you. I didn’t want to let you go and you made me. I held you above everyone else in my life. I wanted to be to you what you were to me, but I wasn’t enough for you. You said you would never hurt me. You promised. And you hurt me in a way no one else could.”

“I know.” I close my eyes, trying to find the right thing to say. “You were enough, Cammi. Me leaving was because of my own issues. It had nothing to do with you not being enough for me. You aren’t just enough. You’re more than that. I hate that I can’t be the kind of guy you deserve. I hate that I let them win. I hate that I lost control, that I hurt you so damn much. I hate that even after all this time, after I’ve watched my brothers kill every single one of them, they still win. The monsters aren’t going anywhere near you, Cammi. And I can’t figure out how to erase them.”

“Your brothers found them?” Cammi asks.

I nod my head. “Gio wasn’t going to stop until he hunted 'em all down.”

“Good. I think I might have just found a reason to actually like him.” Cammi smiles. “I can’t go back, Vin. I love you more than I love myself, but I need to put myself first this time. I can’t let you back in. I won’t survive when you try to leave again.”

“What if I can guarantee I’ll never leave?” I ask her.

“That’s not something you can do.” Cammi looks away.

“Marry me,” I blurt out, and it’s clear both of us are shocked by my words.

“What?” Cammi’s eyes are wide as she returns her gaze to meet mine.

“I mean it. Marry me. I will never leave your side again, Cammi.” I need to figure out a way to make sure I don’t hurt her while I’m sleeping, even if that means having separate bedrooms. I will figure out a way to keep her safe. I have to.

“You’re serious.” Her words are a statement, not a question.

“I’ve never been more serious about anything in my life,” I tell her. “I’ve known since we were fourteen that I wanted to marry you, Cammi. I just never thought it would ever be possible.”

“Fourteen?” she parrots.

“I might have watched you from afar for longer than you know.

“I knew.” She smirks before it drops into a frown. “Marriage isn’t a guarantee of a forever.”

“It is if it’s us.”

“My parents thought that too, and now they’re in the middle of a divorce. I don’t think marriage is forever,” she says.

Fuck, I didn’t know about her parents. “You know that what we have isn’t like what others have, Cammi. Whatever this connection is between us, it has always been more. I know you feel it.”

“Maybe, but you left, Vin.”

“I was scared,” I tell her. “I was fucking terrified of what I did to you, and you didn’t hold me accountable, Cammi. You were ready to just forgive me, make excuses where there shouldn’t be any. I was scared of what I’d do to you, of the kind of life I’d force on you if we continued.”

“What’s changed? Why now? Because I had a small heart issue today? I don’t want to be with you just because you think I’m weak.”

“You are the strongest person I know. You are the most forgiving, the most beautiful creature, inside and out. You’re not weak, Cammi. I want to marry you because I love you. I will love you until I take my last breath. And probably even longer. Just say yes. We can work on everything else. I’ll do whatever it takes. You want to go to therapy together? I’ll go.”

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