Page 43 of A Sinner's Saint

“Do what?” she asks.

“Ruin you,” I tell her.

“You haven’t ruined me, Vin,” she says, her ass firmly planted in the seat. It’s clear she has no intention of moving.

“Haven’t I? Look at yourself, Cammi. You’re stoned. And you’ve been crying. Just an hour ago, you were covered in blood. The blood of the man you watched me kill. So, yes, I have ruined you, and I won’t keep doing it. We can’t do this anymore, Cammi. It’s not right.” My heart feels like it’s tearing apart as the words leave my mouth. But I need to put her first.

“I’m fine. In fact, I’ve never felt better in my life. I want you to come over here and kiss me, Vin. Kiss me like it really is the last time you will,” she says.

“I can’t…” I shake my head. It goes against everything I feel to deny her that request. But I know if I kiss her, I won’t want to stop. “Get up, Cammi. I need to take you home.”

“If you want me to get up, you’re going to have to make me. You’re going to have to come over here and move me yourself, because I’m not leaving, Vin. I don’t know what’s going on in that head of yours, but this is not the end of us.” Cammi folds herarms over her chest. She fucking knows I can’t just pick her up and drag her out of here.

“Fine,I’llleave.” I turn and walk through the door. If she won’t let me take her home, she can stay here as long as she wants. She’ll have to go eventually.

“What? No.” Cammi comes rushing through the door behind me. “Don’t do this, Vin.”

“I have to,” I tell her.

“No, you don’t. I’m begging you not to do this. You promised me. You said you’d love me forever, remember? I’m not dead yet. This isn’t forever yet.” Cammi wipes the wetness from her cheeks. She’s fucking crying. All I want to do is wrap her in my arms and tell her everything is going to be okay.

I can’t do that, because it’s not okay. None of this is okay. I’m not okay.

“I will love you forever, Cammi. I just can’t be with you,” I tell her honestly. There won’t be a single day I won’t love this girl. She’s part of me. The good part. And I want to keep her that way. If I stay with her, if I continue this relationship with her, I’m going to destroy her.

“Telling me we can’t be together isn’t loving me, Vin,” she says. “If you loved me, you wouldn’t be trying to get rid of me.”

“It’s because I love you that I’m breaking up with you,” I attempt to explain. I don’t want to hurt her, but I can’t let her become like me.

“You’re b… b… breaking up with me.” She stutters out the words, her voice clogged with emotion. And then she falls to the floor.

Her entire frame heaves with her sobs, and my heart explodes, my body taking the force of the shrapnel tearing out of my chest. Everything I’ve experienced, the pain, the torture, all of it pales in comparison to what I’m feeling right now. Seeing what I’ve done to her.

I drop to my knees in front of her, reaching out to touch her, comfort her, only to quickly pull my hands back. I can’t. I want to, and I fucking can’t. Cammi deserves so much more than to be stuck in a relationship with someone who can’t even bring themselves to touch her without her having to ask.

“Cammi, can I pick you up and take you to bed?”

She looks up at me, her face showing all the emotion she’s feeling. “Yes.”

I push to my feet, bend down, and pick her up. Her arms wrap around my neck, and she holds on tight, tighter than I’ve ever felt her hold on to me before. I look at my bed and then decide I can’t put her there. I walk out of my room instead, right into one of the guest rooms, and lay her down on the bed. Her arms stay wrapped around my neck when I go to stand up.

“Cammi, I need you to let go,” I tell her.

“I can’t. How can I let you go, Vin? How can you let us go so easily?” she asks through her sobs.

Reaching behind my neck, I take hold of her hands and pry them off me. Against my better judgement, I lie down next to her and she shuffles over until her head is resting on my shoulder. My arm closes around her back. “This is the hardest fucking thing I’ve ever had to do, Cammi. There is nothing easy about it.”

“What did I do wrong? Just tell me what I did, and I’ll fix it,” she says.

“You are perfect, fucking amazing, Cammi. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I love you, Vin. I don’t care about any of it. I love you.Please, I’m begging you not to do this.”

“I love you.” I can’t give her what she’s asking for, and I won’t make any false promises. What I can guarantee is that I will never love anyone else the way I love this girl.

I don’t know how long it takes. But eventually Cammi falls asleep. Her body stills and her breathing evens out. I don’t want to get out of this bed. But I can’t stay here either.

I slowly slide out from underneath her and fall off the edge of the mattress. Then I stand up, walk out of the room, and close the door. I can’t bring myself to step away though. I slide to the floor, lean my back against the wall, and close my eyes. Only to open them again when the image of Cammi in a white dress covered in blood fills my mind.

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