Page 53 of A Sinner's Saint

I still cry myself to sleep on the nights I’m not talking to Vin. We speak at least three times a week. It started off with him calling me every night and sending me messages throughout the day. Over the last few months, the number of messages has lessened and the calls are quicker.

We’re both hurting, and I’m not sure if talking to him is helping or just delaying the inevitable. I’m going to have to find a way to move on from him. I just can’t bring myself to let him go.The ache in my chest is still going strong. I’d go home in a heartbeat if he said he wanted to get back together. I’ve stopped asking him. There’s only so much rejection one person can take. And although I understand why he’s saying no, that doesn’t make it any easier.

I’ve appreciated the time away, though. I love being with my aunt and honestly it’s refreshing. After the third week of listening to me cry myself to sleep, she booked me an appointment with a therapist. I’m doing weekly visits. I go along with the advice the therapist gives me during our sessions, and some of itisgood advice. But when she tells me that my relationship with Vin is toxic and codependent, I dismiss her. She’s also told me that if I want Vin to heal and recover from his own trauma, I need to give him the space to do so.

Which is why I’ve limited the phone calls and messages. I don’t know if it’s working. Vin has been going through a lot. His brother got sentenced toyearsin prison. And now Gabe’s girlfriend, Daisy, is leaning on Vin for support. He’s helped her move, go off the grid so no one can find her. Oh, and she’s pregnant and Vin promised her not to tell anyone. Although I’m not sure I count, considering he called me straight away, freaking out and not knowing what to do. He’s a great brother, even if Gabe doesn’t know it. Vin has been there for Daisy, flying back and forth between Melbourne and Adelaide, making sure she has everything she needs.

A knock at the front door has me putting my bowl of cereal down, along with my self-pity, and dragging my body off the sofa. I glance at the old band shirt and pyjama shorts I’m wearing. I probably shouldn’t be answering the door looking like a bum. But whoever is knocking is persistent and won’t stop. So I pull the front door open and freeze.

My eyes blink and blink again. I must be seeing things. My mouth goes dry. I can feel my hands start to shake. I’ve seen him on the phone during our video chats, but seeing Vin on my doorstep is something else.

“Cammi? Say something. You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” he says.

“How? Why? What are you doing here, Vin?” I ask, snapping out of my stupor.

“It’s graduation. I have a gift for you,” he explains. “And I didn’t want you spending graduation alone, so I… ah… I brought the party to you.”

“You brought what party to me?”

“Your graduation party. I flew your friends here. They’re waiting at The Merge for you. To celebrate with you,” he says.

“The Merge?” I’ve heard of the nightclub. I haven’t been there, though. I don’t really leave the house all that much. The thought of going out to a nightclub isn’t high on the list of things I want to do. “Can you tell them you couldn’t find me? I don’t want to go out.” I turn and walk back into the house, leaving the door open.

Vin follows me, shutting it behind him. “Are you okay? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong. I’m enjoying the party for one I have going on here.” I wave a hand at the plethora of snacks spread out across the coffee table. Reaching for my bowl of cereal, I bring a spoonful of the sugary goodness to my mouth. “I’m completelyfine sitting here alone. I’m pretty good company,” I say around a mouth full of food.

“You’re the best fucking company, Cammi.” Vin sits next to me on the sofa. He’s so close I could reach out and touch him. I could move just an inch and be pressed up against him. His scent surrounds me. “If you don’t want to go out, that’s cool. We can stay in. Party for two.” He smirks.

I turn and fully look at him. His sandy-brown hair is longer than it was a couple of months ago, and the loose curls hang over his forehead. Dark shadows cover his under-eye area. I already knew he wasn’t sleeping well. I didn’t know howunwell, though. I need to remember that he’s not mine. I need to distance myself. I push up from the sofa and take my bowl into the kitchen.

“You don’t have to stay. You should go and party with whoever came up with you,” I tell him.

“I’d rather stay and hang with you.” Vin follows me into the kitchen.

“Why?” I ask him. “Why are you here, Vin?”

“Because we’re friends, and friends hang out,” he says.

“You want to hang out with me? Do anything I want to do?” I question as an idea comes to mind.

“Anything within reason,” he says cautiously.

I could ask him to kiss me right now. The thought has crossed my mind. And, boy, do I want him to kiss me… That’s not what I’m going to ask, though. Because as much as I might want it, and I know he wants it too, he’s still not in a place to accept that we can be more than friends.

“I want to sleep,” I tell him. “I’m tired, Vin. I’m so tired. All I want to do right now is go to bed with you and sleep.”

“Okay, where’s your bedroom?”

I point behind him and start making my way towards the room. “It’s a little messy,” I warn. There are clothes and books everywhere. The bed is unmade. Without glancing in hisdirection, I climb onto the mattress and pull the blanket over myself. “I want you to hold me, Vin, so I can sleep. Please.”

I’m not lying. I am bloody tired, but I also want him to get some quality sleep. And I’m hoping that I can give that to him, like I used to. Vin yanks his shirt from over the back of his head and tosses it on the floor before lying down next to me.

“Vin? Can you wrap your arms around me?” I ask, knowing full well he won’t touch me if I don’t.

“Are you sure? Cammi, I don’t want to give you the wrong idea,” he says.

“I know where we stand, Vin. I just really want a cuddle,” I tell him. “I don’t sleep well. And you and I both know you don’t either, so let’s just sleep while we can.”

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