Page 17 of Naughty Secrets

Chapter Ten

NATALIE

Ithought I was going to lose you.

“Sam . . . ” My heart trembles in my chest. Although I’m not ready to admit it, a secret part of me, buried deep beneath my fear, wants a family too.

“I never talked about those things before,” Sam says. “It hurts to let the pain out, but not as bad as I thought. All my memories of him are good ones. Happy. He made me happy.”

“Me too.” My throat tightens so hard I can barely get the words out.

“I loved that he had your eyes, and my nose, and your mother’s fair hair.” After ten years of silence on the subject of Ethan, his words come tumbling out. “And the first time he smiled . . . it killed me. He had your smile and the first time you smiled at me, I thought I’d died and gone to heaven.”

“If I remember correctly, it was the chemistry lab. Not heaven.” I cross the room and sit on the edge of the bed beside him. “And you weren’t the only one who fell for a smile.”

We laugh at the shared memory and then his face softens. “I miss him, Natalie. I miss the way he looked at us, like he was memorizing our faces, and how it felt to hold him. I had dreams for him, plans to do the things my dad did with me, and things that were just mine. I was going to teach him to play baseball and throw a football. I was going to take him fishing off the swinging bridge and camping in the mountains. I was going to buy him a guitar and teach him to play. I hoped he would have your voice so he could sing, maybe be a frontman in a band instead of giving up the glory. I wanted to show him the stars, tell him our stories. I lost those hopes and dreams when we lost him. A whole life of possibility.”

We’d never talked about our dreams for Ethan. We’d never talked about our loss, our pain, or our future. We’d grieved in our own separate ways, instead of grieving together.

“I had dreams for him too,” I say, following his lead and letting go of my pain. “Mostly I wanted him to always feel wanted and loved. I was always going to have time for him. He was never going to be left behind, or forgotten, and I was going to buy everything new. I wanted to teach at his school so I could see him during the day. And take him to every soccer practice and baseball game he wanted to play. I was going to tell him stories every night, and every year on his birthday, I planned to buy him a book that we could read together. I did keep that promise to him. I buy a book every year and donate it to the library in his name.”

“My Natalie’s all heart, and she’s had no one to lean on.” His voice thickens, and he strokes his warm hand down my back. “I locked everything way—happy times, good memories, my hopes and dreams. I thought if I threw myself into the farm like my dad did when my mom left, I wouldn’t have to feel the pain. I never realized that when I locked it all in, I locked you out.”

“It goes two ways.” I clasp his hand and draw it to my cheek. “I was so wrapped up in my own sadness I didn’t see yours. Some days I resented you for being able to get up and go to work like it was any other day. And some days I was convinced you didn’t feel anything for Ethan and that’s why it was so easy for you to move on. I had Alexis and my friends and my sisters if I needed to talk. But you had no one except me, and I wasn’t there for you.”

Sam turns his head and kisses my palm. “You’re here now. With me.”

Caught in a maelstrom of emotion—fear, regret, love, loss, and longing—I don’t realize I’m crying until Sam wipes a tear off my cheek.

“It hurts my heart to see you cry,” he says gently.

“It hurts my heart to think you were suffering alone.”

“I was never alone.” His eyes glisten. “You were there, Nat. Even though we didn’t talk about the big stuff, you told me you loved me every day with the little things you did to make my life easier—the care you took to make meals that I liked, the long hours you worked beside me when none of my hired men would come out, the buckets of sandwiches you brought out to the field no matter the weather. I never thanked you, but I’m doing it now.” He cups my face between his hands and stares down at me. “Thank you for being my wife, even though I haven’t been a good husband to you.”

“We’ve both made mistakes.” I take a breath, and for the first time I don’t feel any tightening in my chest. I am lighter. Unburdened. Connected to Sam in a way I haven’t been in years. “What do we do now?” I ask.

“I’d like to kiss you in a Terms of Endearment kind of way.” He sits up and pulls me into his lap.

I laugh and it feels so good. I want more of this. More of Sam and his gentle teasing. More feeling the freedom that comes from opening up and letting go of my pain. “How does that differ from a regular kiss?”

“There are no strings attached.” He nuzzles my neck. “No expectations.”

Closing my eyes, I soak in the moment. The feel of Sam’s strong arms around me, his warmth, his strength, his scent, the taste of scotch as I run my tongue over the seam of his lips. My skin flushes, my blood races through my veins, and I go from cool and calm to hot and aroused in a heartbeat. “What if I want strings and expectations?”

“Then I’ll kiss you like a man should kiss his wife when he has ten years of being an ass to make up for.” His eyes, filled with sensual promises, and his devilish grin, catch me off guard. I’m not used to him being so open or light-hearted.

“And then what happens?” I run my hands through his thick soft hair.

“Then we get naked.”

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