Page 76 of Hannah.

“Oh, um….” The memory of the scent of Oma's stables—always clean but still smelling of horse—and the uncertain way the gelding had felt beneath me when my mother forced me to learn to ride makes me crinkle my nose. “That's sweet. But it isn't for me, I don't think.”

“You enjoyed the horse show when we went years ago.”

“You mean one of the biggest equestrian events in Europe?” I exhale a small laugh, taking a sip of my mimosa. “I'd have to be dead not to find that interesting. I think I’m meant to be a spectator and nothing more.” Remembering our time together at the event makes my chest feel warm with the fondness of the memory and a soft smile blooms over my face. “If I’m being honest, Johan, my enjoyment of that show was mostly because of you, not the horses.”

He looks surprised, and his expression is flooded with affection as he reaches across the table to take my hand, thumb sweeping over my knuckles. “Well, then. We'll have to go againsometime, won’t we? Humor me—a tiny bit of riding and then plenty of spectating. The best of both worlds.”

“That sounds fun.” And it does. But a small part of me can't help but be anxious at the idea of Johan and I spending the day together anywhere close to Cambridge, and especially anywhere near Astrid or Conrad. It’s a thought that makes me feel sick to my stomach, and I push it away, squeezing his hand in mine. “But today is about today, isn't it?”

Johan leans over the food-laden table, kissing me softly. His kiss is so sweet, gentle, and pure that it almost brings tears to my eyes. “Yes,” he tells me. “Today is just for us.”

After breakfast, we walk along the lake's coastline for nearly an hour. The wind coming off the water is chilly, even if the sun is bright, and I’m thankful for the coat I’m wearing as Johan and I stroll lazily.

He takes his hand in mine as we walk, twining our fingers together, rewarding me with the connection I’ve never been able to have but always craved from him. This feels so different from how distant we have to be at Cambridge and how careful we have to be when we're around others. Here, in Portmeirion, Johan is mine. The thought is indulgent.

My stomach is full, and my heart is overflowing with happiness.

“Look at the birds,” Johan says softly, and I look up, realizing we've stopped walking.

There's a pair of swans gliding along the glassy surface of the water. They're beautiful and as graceful as a duo of dancers. I feel Johan shift behind me, his chest pressed to my back, and his arm snakes around me.

“Did you know that swans mate for life?” he rumbles into my ear. “When they choose a partner, it's for good. No one can break that bond.”

My heart does an odd little leap at his words, and I swallow, watching the swans. “They're lovely.”

“Mmhmm.” Johan's nose is buried in my hair. “They aren't the only ones,” he says, “So do eagles, geese, owls, some species of monkeys, and even albatrosses. Did you know that?”

I’m hearing his words, but the hard line of his body at my back has me distracted. “Albatrosses too?”

“Yes. When they pair, it's for life. Even if they lose their mate, they never seek another.” Johan's hand splays over my stomach, and he kisses the top of my shoulder, over the thin fabric of my cardigan and the strap of my dress. “It’s interesting, isn't it? To know some species can have bonds so powerful?”

“I’ve never really thought about it,” I admit. My breath catches when his grip on me tightens.

“Me neither. But today…it’s on my mind.” Johan kisses me again, guiding me, turning me to face him, and cradling my face in his palms. “Hannah, look at me.”

I raise my eyes to meet his, and there's a furrow between his brows. Something inside of me cracks open, and suddenly, I’m afraid. We’re standing on the shore, but I feel like, instead of a lake stretching out in front of us, it’s an abyss that I’m not ready to jump into. This sweet, sexy, sometimes explosive energy between Johan and me is something I can’t get enough of, but taking a step beyond that into something so much more serious is terrifying.

As usual, he senses the change in me at once. “What's wrong?”

“Nothing,” I lie. “Why are you asking?”

He shakes his head slowly, lowering his mouth to mine. “Nothing at all. Just kiss me.”

So I do. Johan's kiss is soft and sweet. His tongue presses lightly against the seam of my lips, and I grant him entrance, melting against him, my arms going around his neck. Hishands tangle in my hair, cup the sides of my throat, and then slide down my shoulders. When he pulls away, Johan smiles, brushing his thumb against my swollen lower lip.

“Hannah, darling,” he begins. “I––” He's interrupted by a ringing phone, and Johan's sigh is resigned when he quickly glances at the screen. “It’s one of my research partners. Give me just a moment.”

While my body is disappointed that our interlude ended so quickly, my mind is a little bit relieved. All this talk about mating for life, only ever loving one being for an entire lifetime...it's really heavy, considering how new this thing between us is. Well, the feelings, the desires, aren't exactly new. We've both been haunted by them for years. But the ability and intention to act on those feelings are new.

I wander along the shoreline, watching as the swans dip their heads into the water, fishing for food. My cheeks are cold, and my hands are stuffed into the pockets of my cardigan, but Johan is still on the phone.

Suddenly, I feel like someone is watching me. It’s a chill that goes down my spine, and I turn, glancing around. There's no one behind me, and when I turn back, looking towards where Johan is, he’s invested in his casual conversation, hands moving animatedly. I can hear him pacing back and forth a little ways away, his voice an indistinct murmur. There's nothing wrong with him, apparently. So, what is giving me this uneasy feeling?

On a whim, I pull my phone out, and a jolt of adrenaline hits me when I see that Astrid has finally responded. It simply says:I’m fine. Talk to you later.

Shooting a quick glance at Johan, I type out a quick reply.Are you sure?

Hitting send, I wait to see if the message is delivered before putting my phone away. Strangely enough, the status bar at the top of the message stalls eighty percent of the way through,and then a red x appears beside my response. A "MESSAGE FAILED" notice pops up, and before I can try to resend the message, Johan is pocketing his own phone and heading back in my direction. I shouldn't feel guilty for texting Astrid, but I don't want that subject to cloud my time with Johan, so I exit the text and slide my phone back into my bag.

---