Page 60 of Sebastian.

Knowing that it might be a mistake, and that it might make me seem weak, I still decide to send a message to my wife. Maybe seeing this place will get through to her. A take a photo of the serene lake, its tranquil surface reflecting the afternoon sun, and type the following words: “This place is not the same without you.” It's a simple message in principle, but it holds the weight of my longing and my regret.

I hit send, watching the message disappear into the digital realm, placing the phone back into my pocket and leaning back on my hands with a sigh. No reason to watch the screen for an answer—Julia isn’t going to respond. These days, she never does.

19

Julia

Lunch doesn’t last allthat long before I need to be back in the courtroom, so I try to be quick walking through the familiar halls of the court of appeals, my steps echoing in the quiet corridor. It's lunchtime, and I'm making my way to the canteen, my mind preoccupied with the cases and discussions that have filled my morning. The fluorescent lights above cast a stark brightness against the cream-colored walls, and the faint murmur of conversations drift from nearby offices.

Being late isn’t acceptable, but I’m starving, so skipping lunch isn’t going to work, either. As I reach for my phone to check the time, a soft ping interrupts the rhythm of my steps. I glance at the screen, and my heart skips a beat as I see the notification: a text from Sebastian. The sight of his name brings a mix of feelings—primarily curiosity and a hint of trepidation. He’s supposed to be giving me space, but there’s no denying that I’ve left him hanging after agreeing to at least consider meeting up before we sit down to discuss the divorce with an attorney. So I guess it’s not a surprise that he’s texting me, but that doesn’t make it feel like any less of an electrical shock.

With a swipe of my thumb, I unlock my phone and open the message. And there it is, accompanied by a picture of the lake…ourlake. The same lake where he proposed to me all those years ago. The image is breathtaking—a serene expanse of water framed by trees and the distant mountains. The memory rushes back, vivid and bittersweet, pulling me into its embrace.

I stop mid-step, my surroundings fading into the background as I immerse myself in the photo. It's as if time has momentarily halted, and I'm transported back to that moment—the warmth of the sun on my skin, the soft rustle of leaves, the look in his eyes as he got down on one knee.

A wistful smile tugs at my lips as I reminisce about that day—the love that had shone in his gaze, the vulnerability that had tugged at my heart. The lake had been our sanctuary, a place where we had shared dreams, hopes, and promises for the future.

I trace my finger over the image, and it feels like it all happened just yesterday, not years ago. The happiness, the ache, the longing…I lived and breathed for Sebastian back then. Knowing that we would be married, that he’d be mine forever, was all I ever wanted. I’ve never said yes to anything as quickly as I did his proposal, and tears had rolled down my cheeks as he swept me into his arms and kissed me hard. Of course he’d be at that lake today; the lake had witnessed our journey, from our first date to the present moment. It has seen the highs and lows, the laughter and tears, the love and the hurt.

Standing there, lost in thought, the bustling activity of the court around me seems distant, almost surreal. The memories come flooding back, a cascade of moments that have shaped us and our relationship. The message from Sebastian and the picture of the lake are a silent reminder of what we once were, what we could have been if only he had let go of his hate of Roxanne and is loyalty remained with our family. If only he hadn’t accepted a lap dance from a stripper and had the audacity to touch her, all during the same stretch of hours that Andries was getting married. That infamous video will haunt me for a long, long time.

I take a deep breath, forcing myself to settle down. Here is not the place to be reliving these moments, and even if it was, I don’t have the time to dwell on the past. With a final glance at the photo, I slide my phone back into my pocket and continue on my way to the canteen. The noise of my colleagues chatting and the clatter of trays fill the area once I arrive. It’s a familiar scene, a slice of normalcy amidst the craziness that's been going on lately.

As always, there are as few heads that turn my way, and a few whispers shared that I’m positive are about me. So be it, it’s not like it’s something I can stop. I'm well aware that my personal life isn't exactly a secret around here. News spreads faster than wildfire, and thanks to Karl’s antics and subsequent arrest, my marital struggles are probably at the forefront of everyone’s office gossip. I’ve managed to keep my head up and ignore all of it, so work hasn’t been too difficult. Truthfully, it’s been a good escape from the chaotic nature of my personal life.

I order my meal and take the Caesar salad to one of the tables, lowering myself into the seat. Pulling out my phone, I tell myself that I’m just checking the time again, but before I know it I’ve got Sebastian’s message open again, staring at the picture and feeling my chest get tighter. Damn him for interrupting the few quiet moments that I have.

Texting him back shouldn’t even be a consideration, but I still type the message, over and over again before deleting it each time. Connecting with him is so tempting that it’s almost like an addiction. All I want to do is be with him, but when I think about doing so, I want to rage at him, too. Nothing makes sense, not even my own wants and desires. God, I’m so sick of this. I just want things to go back to normal…except normal isn’t a thing for us anymore. At least not the old normal. Things have changed. We've changed. And a simple photo and message can't erase the hurt and frustration that's accumulated over time. Still, I can't help but wonder if he's sincere, if he truly wants to find common ground.

I put down my phone and take a sip of my drink, mulling over what exactly I’m supposed to do next. He seemed to be honest in his intentions when he asked to meet up, but I can’t help but wonder if he just plans to use the pull that I’m sure he knows he still has on me to get me to agree to reconcile. Chewing a bite of the salad, I consider if this lake picture is a sincere effort of reaching out, or is it just Sebastian planting the seeds that he thinks will bloom into forgiveness? Does he even deserve forgiveness?

With a sigh, I tuck my phone away a second time and return to my lunch. The court staff’s canteen buzzes with energy, a microcosm of the world outside these walls. I take another bite of my salad, lost in thought as I weigh my options. The past is just that—the past. And while a photo might remind me of what was, it can't change the present or predict the future.

Just as I’m about to finish my meal, which hasn’t been nearly as relaxing as I hoped, I hear a kind, familiar voice speak up.

“May I sit?”

Looking up, my eyes align on Alice, a seasoned judge with a wealth of experience under her belt. I nod, making room for her as she settles across from me, tray in hand. She settles into the chair across from me, and as she starts eating, there's a comfortable silence between us. The clinking of cutlery against plates and the low murmur of conversations blend together, creating a backdrop for our interaction.

Alice speaks first, keeping the conversation light and easy. “I'm glad they finally got fish today. I was getting really tired of eating meat every day. It makes me so groggy to eat such a heavy meal at lunch.”

I chuckle, gesturing to my own salad. “Tell me about it. I always feel like I need a nap after those heavy lunches.”

She laughs, her eyes crinkling at the corners. “Exactly. I mean, we're supposed to be working, not dozing off at our desks.”

Nodding, I tell her, “You've got a point. Lighter meals definitely make the afternoons more productive.”

Alice takes a bite of her fish and nods in agreement. “So, how's your day going so far? Any interesting cases on the docket?”

I take a moment to swallow my food before replying. “Oh, you know how it is—never a dull moment in the world of appeals. I've been knee-deep in briefs and arguments since morning.”

She shakes her head in mock sympathy. “Ah, the glamorous life of a judge. Well, I can't complain either. I've been deciphering contracts and legal jargon all day. It's like learning a whole new language sometimes, even when you’ve been doing it as long as I have. Sometimes I feel like I see the same cases over and over again, and other times I still manage to be totally blindsided. At least it keeps things interesting.”

I grin, nodding at her. “I understand that all too well. I can’t even count the amount of times that I’ve had to look something up in a case that I’ve never heard of before just so I don’t look like a fool. Social media has made things a lot more complicated, too.”

Alice hums in agreement, and I’m surprised to realize that the camaraderie of our shared experiences brings a sense of comfort. Alice takes another bite of her fish before speaking again. “You know, sometimes I envy those TV shows where judges issue verdicts in an hour. If only it were that simple in real life.”

“Oh, don't we all? But then again, those shows never capture the hours of research, the endless debates, and the mountain of paperwork.” Sighing, I sip at my drink again. “Or the terrible attitudes we have to deal with.”

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