Page 63 of Sebastian.

“How?” I can't help the edge of despair that creeps into my voice. I need answers, some glimmer of hope to cling to in this mess. “Explain to me how, Sebastian, because I’m just not seeing a way out now. I can’t figure out a single way to escape this trap.”

Sebastian's face tenses, but he keeps his resolve and tone steady. “There are options. I can offer to take a settlement with Gabi. I can pay a fine, whatever they need from me.”

I shake my head, strands of my hair breaking free from the updo that I coaxed it into early this morning. “But if Karl goes to court, it’s the judge that will decide, and I doubt they'll spare you while throwing the book at him. It’s not like you just get to decide you’re taking a fine instead. It’s not your choice.”

He inhales deeply. “I wasn't involved in the planning. He spoke to all the drug dealers and—”

My interruption is sharp, driven by frustration and anger. “You need a lawyer for this. I'm here just to give you a heads-up.”

There's a charged silence between us, the unsaid words hanging heavy in the air. And then, Seb's voice cracks, a fragile thread of emotion. “And what about us?”

I look at him, and feel the oceans of distance between us. Our history, our love, our heartache—all of it swirls within me. The silence stretches, both of us suspended in a moment that holds a history that I’ve cherished. I know it’s the same for him, too.

Finally, I break it with a quiet admission that holds a world of hurt. “I saw the video.” When his eyes go wide, I lick my lips and continue. “All of it, Seb. The entire lap dance, the touching, and kiss at the end. What an hypocrite you are. Hating on Roxanne for her line of work for you then to cheat on me with someone who does a similar job.”

Seb's gaze searches mine, desperately looking for the damage that the video has done, and for any hope that might still be left. I stand my ground, but there are tears in my eyes, and a tremor in my shoulders. There’s no way I can pretend to be unaffected by all of this.

His next words are hollow, as if he’s just as lost as I am. “I know you are mad at me and you have every right to be.” Seb's voice wavers, and I catch a glimpse of his eyes watering. He averts his gaze, fixing it on the tranquil surface of the lake. “But, um, do you think we are beyond repair? Is divorce the only solution?”

Sebastian is vulnerable, the armor that he usually wraps around himself long gone.

“You hurt us deeply,” I begin slowly, making sure that he’s aware that I know I played a part in this too, however small it might be compared to his. “I know I shouldn't have used that family secret against you, especially when it involves someone who's now turning on you. But what happened in that club…I…” my words trail off as I try to fight the emotion building within.

His eyes drop to the ground, shame evident in his posture. He starts to speak, words heavy with remorse. “I was consumed by rage and anger that day. I…I don't have any excuse, and I'll take the blame. I felt betrayed that you would use such a private secret against me. I let myself drown in alcohol, and then one thing led to another…” Sebastian stops, looking away and trying his best to gather himself before continuing. I can see how much pain he’s in, but I find it hard to be sympathetic, considering he brought it all on himself. “I'm not like your dad, Julia. I never had an affair with anyone, never had any relations with anyone else in twenty-two years. That lap dance was a one-time mistake. A mistake that will never ever happen again.”

I remain silent, not knowing what to say. It might have been a one time mistake, but one time mistakes end relationships all the time. Seb steps closer, his voice a quiet plea as he reaches for something he hopes might still be salvageable. “Do you think you can find it in you to forgive me?”

Meeting his gaze, I let a small sigh escape. The emotions I've kept under lock and key threaten to surge forward. As I look into his eyes, I see his burning, soul-deep and the remnants of the trust we once shared. It's complicated, more so now than ever, but the rawness of his words touches something in me.

“Maybe one day,” I tell him, my eyes on his. “But not today.”

His nod is a silent acknowledgment of my sentiment. Sebastian is clearly disappointed, but resigned, too, as if he already knew what was going to happen.

“I’m still processing what you did,” I continue, keeping my tone even. “You shattered my trust into a thousand pieces and I just don’t know if there is any way you can put them back together.”

“I understand that, but…do you really want to divorce me?” he asks tentatively, like the word ‘divorce’ hurts physically to say. The question feels like a stab in the heart, but it shouldn’t, considering I’ve been the one taking the steps toward a legal separation. I guess it’s just different, hearing it from my husband.

“A part of me wants to,” I admit, the sadness evident in my tone. “But another part just wishes for the simplicity of the past. I want what we had before you became so consumed with your hatred of Roxanne. I know you think she’s the thing that ruined us, but you have to know that it’s your actions that caused all this harm, Seb. Not her.”

Seb's gaze remains fixed on mine, his eyes holding a mix of yearning and desperation. “What if that was possible?” he ventures, his voice hopeful. “What if we can work on our marriage? Repair what has been broken?”

A wistful smile tugs at my lips, overshadowed by reality. “Maybe.” Despite my answer, the bitterness of the past events are sacked against him. “If, of course, you manage to avoid ending up in jail first.” It's a half-hearted attempt at humor, and it doesn’t exactly land the way I want it to.

I can’t be here anymore, though. It’s just too painful, seeing him there on the dock with our lake behind him. This was the wrong place to have this conversation, I realize. I hope I haven’t tainted the good memories with this negative one now. Just as I'm about to turn away, Seb’s hand gently closes around mine, halting my movement. “Julia?” His voice is a soft, desperate plea.

I look back at him, heart pounding, every cell in my body just wanting to fold myself against him. “Yes?”

“Can I…hug you?”

Oh no. This is exactly what I’ve been trying to avoid. I don’t know if I’ll be able to hang on to my resolve if we touch, but when I look at his face and see the naked vulnerability and need there, I simply can’t deny him. With a hesitant nod, I give my consent.

His arms encircle me, pulling me close. The embrace is firm, but his shirt is soft against my cheek, his smell familiar and so wonderful. I can feel his heart beating quickly against mine, and his breath in my hair. As he holds me, I allow a few silent tears to escape, rolling down my cheek and dripping onto my blouse; I don’t even bother wiping them away. I just want to let all of this sink in.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispers, gentle but remorseful. “You’ll never know how sorry I am.”

20

Sebastian

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