Page 48 of Sebastian.

As we continue our ride, I can't help but hope that, in the end, we'll find a way to fit together again, Sebastian and I. Maybe, just maybe, there's a chance for us to forge a new path together, one that respects the journey we've taken together while allowing us to move forward. Or maybe I’ll end up signing divorce papers with Eveline. At this point, I have no idea how this all will play out.

Star’s strides are a steady reminder that life keeps moving, that change is inevitable. And as I ride on, I allow myself to be surrounded by the beauty of the moment. I'm reminded that there's a unique kind of peace in embracing the imperfections, in cherishing the memories, and in hoping for a future where the threads of our lives find a way to weave together once more.

14

Sebastian

It’sthe middle of the week, but without Julia here, I’m starting to realize just how sheltered I’ve been from the chaotic nature of these mornings. I can hear the kids downstairs getting ready for school, but instead of ignoring the sounds and getting ready for work, I decide to descend the stairs and join them.

As a new day begins, it brings with it the usual mix of routines and changes. The kitchen is bustling with activity as the younger ones––Joris, Aleida, and Arthur––eat their breakfast, while Hannah is still upstairs, requiring more privacy than the others. Even though I’m trying to be more present with my kids, I watch them with a sense of detachment, my thoughts wandering as they move about.

This home that I’ve lived my entire life in, once a part of who I am, now feels different, touched by the absence of Julia. Her departure has left its mark, creating a sort of void in the familiar surroundings that used to define my world. I've always been sure of my path, relying on confidence and determination to guide me. Not so much anymore.

I spend some time playing with the younger three, helping the nanny get them ready, and before I know it, they’re heading out the door, and I’m alone again, with a significant amount of time before I need to leave for the office. I find Hannah in the dining room on her own, eating a sparse breakfast and scrolling through her phone at the same time. I realize it’s been a while since we had quality time together without phones or any other distraction. Hannah barely looks up when I enter, just giving me a quick nod, which irks me. It’s so damned hard to get her full attention these days. Maybe now it’s a good time to invite her out for a meal like I had discussed with Floris.

She’s just a kid, I remind myself.They’re all addicted to their phones.

“Hannah,” I say, making her look up at me once more. “How about we go out to dinner tomorrow night?”

She rolls her eyes, a clear expression of teenage indifference, and responds sarcastically, “Can't I just say no?”

I can't help but grin at her response, an intertwining of amusement and slight frustration. “I mean, I guess you could if you really wanted to. But I seem to remember you wanting to go on some trip to England next month to be with Johan. So maybe it would be a good idea to stay on your dad’s good side, right?” I counter. If she’s anything like Elise was, prompting her with an enticing incentive might be effective.

Surprise flits across her face briefly. “How do you even know it was to meet up with him?”

I respond with a knowing look, lowering myself into a chair a few spaces away from her hand waving towards one of the servers for coffee. “I have my ways.” Hannah’s gaze is withering, so I add, “Look, I’m not just teasing you. I want to spend an evening with my daughter where we can have actual conversations. Is that so bad?”

A sigh laden with resignation escapes her. “Alright, fine. But can we just have dinner at home?”

Her request catches me off guard. “You don't want to go out somewhere in Amsterdam? We can go anywhere you want. Name the location, and I’ll make it happen.”

“Well, not to be rude, Dad, but…I’d rather avoid being seen with you in public.”

Her honesty takes me aback, a mixture of shock and hurt swirling within me. “You don't want to be seen with me in public? Why's that?” Unconsciously, I rub the spot above my heart on my chest, trying to ease my wounded pride.

Hannah's explanation is straightforward, forcing me to confront a perspective I hadn't fully considered. “Your image isn't great right now, especially with Karl's scandal and you being seen with him at that club. It's just not a good look for me. And you've always told me to be careful about who I hang out with, right?”

Her words leave me momentarily speechless, a tinge of irony settling in. Hannah’s candidness compels me to face the vulnerabilities beneath my facade. The server brings my espresso, and I forgo any cream this time around. The bitterness of it suits the situation right now just fine.

What a clever little thing she is, I think, laughing internally at the corner that I’ve backed myself into.She takes after me more than I thought.

“Alright,” I concede once I’ve had a drink. “You’ve got me there. We'll have dinner at home then. Is 8 p.m. okay?”

Hannah's response is swift, signaling the end of our conversation. “Sounds good. Gotta run. See you later, Pops.”

Her leaving is like flipping a chapter, a sign that our family's vibe has shifted, power shuffled around. Seeing her go, I'm chewing over her candid words—kind of a reminder that behind my confidence, there's vulnerability lurking, waiting to be acknowledged.

I need to get out of this stuffy dining room. I grab my espresso and stride towards the terrace, sinking down into a lounge chair and letting the morning sun warm my face. Out here, I'm taking a breather from the swirl of thoughts. Morning light is making the grounds look fresh and new, a cool contrast to my frustrated thoughts. I don’t think I could be any more chagrined than I am right now, hearing the advice I’ve given my children repeated back at me,againstme. There is some pride in the fact that they listened when I spoke to them, but this isn’t exactly how I pictured them taking my advice.

Hannah not wanting to be seen with me in public still stabs at me––a jab that shows my perfectly crafted image isn't fooling everyone. My public face, once my anchor, is now holding the baggage of poor choices and allegiances. Elise making a similar move is just the nail in the coffin. The proof that I’ve fucked up, maybe so badly that it can never be fixed, is right in front of my face. But at least Hannah agreed to have dinner with me here at home. It’s better than nothing…thankfully she’s not against spending time with her old man altogether.

It’d be easy to blame this all on Karl, who played a big role in my downfall, but there is no way to deny that this mess is my fault more than anything. My insistence to keep Karl close and taken care of, combined with my bitterness towards Roxanne, has sidetracked me. Now the only way to move forward is to be done with Karl, regardless of the promise I made to my father. I just hope I’m strong enough to go through with it. Confidence wavers, and my armor gets some cracks. Standing on the edge of losing my family, I’m forced to face all the truths I've buried.

I’ve done difficult things in my life, some so difficult that I didn’t think I’d survive them, but none of those things have led me down such a razor’s edge as this hopefully temporary separation with Julia has. I’ve made all the wrong choices so far, and I feel like if I don’t get it right from here on out, I’ll never have a chance to be with her again.

And that simply isn’t an option.

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