Page 2 of Sebastian.

Looking down the table at my son, and the unfiltered joy on his face, I feel my heart lurch in my chest. All of this…my heartache, the hard decision I’ve had to make, the reality that I’m putting my marriage on the line…it’s all for my son. For all of my children, really, to show that I will love them no matter what they do or who they choose to live their lives with. “Yeah, I hope so too…but I think he will show up. I’ve made myself very, very clear. He just needs time.”

His eyes harden, and he nods once, understanding without words that I’ve chosen to make a very, very difficult decision. Alex isn’t a stranger to doing hard things in order to keep his family together and strong, even when it means he himself has to suffer. So, in that sense, I am not alone. But that doesn’t make me feel any less miserable.

“What can I do?” Alex asks, and I honestly don’t know what to tell him. I can feel the urge to cry building inside of me, but there is no way in hell that I can give in to something like that right now.

I want a lot of things, actually, but none of them that Alex can provide. I want the embrace of my husband, to bury my face in his neck and smell his spicy cologne and feel the warmth that comes with what I thought was his unwavering support. I want to convince him to accept Roxanne ages ago, before things ever spun out of control like they have. I want to go back and tell Andries from the very beginning that he is free to love whoever he wants to love, but I’ve messed it all up. Only recently have I been able to start to turn things around, to do the right thing, but it may be too late for me. I might have healed things with my son, but in the process, lost my husband.

Drifting in my own thoughts, I forget that Alex has asked me a question until I come back to reality and see that he’s still staring at me, looking more concerned than ever now. I sigh, swirling my mimosa in its glass and watching the bubbles burst within.

“Ah, Alex. There isn’t anything. I’ve made my own bed here, and now I have no choice but to lie in it.”

He leans closer to me. Lowering his voice, he says, “Go sit with your children. Talk to them. Maybe that will make you feel better.”

“No,” I tell him, shaking my head. “I’ll be doing plenty of that soon, anyway.” I look around the table at all the smiling, happy faces, and realize that I’m the only one who must look miserable. Roxanne’s mother looks ready to ignite with happiness, but then there’s me, and I know that my joy is muted.

What is it about weddings for my family and the unhappiness that it always seems to bring mothers? I think back to my own wedding day, and the happiness I felt that was still tinged with sadness because of my own mother’s misery. She’s my ally and confidant today, but back then, she was anything but. Everyone was happy for me on that special day–everyone except Mom. Now, here I am at my own son’s wedding, happy for him but miserable at the lack of Sebastian’s company. I know that if he was here he’d be angry and disappointed, just like Mom was all those years ago.

The two of them really do have a lot in common, my husband and my mother––both of them opposed their child's wedding, and both of them were completely incapable of hiding it.

Sensing that Alex doesn’t want to leave me like this, I give him a small smile. “You know what might lift my spirits? Bring me one of your beautiful babies to hold.”

* * *

After breakfast, I leave everyone behind, craving some solitude before the ceremony. Being around all of the happy guests is almost too much for my sanity. I gravitate towards the smaller garden on the right side of the estate, a brief walk from where the ceremony and reception will take place.

Here, memories of my childhood flood my mind. These meticulously designed grounds have been my playground and sanctuary since I was a little girl. The air is filled with the sweet fragrance of blooming flowers, and the gentle murmur of a fountain adds to the tranquil atmosphere.

Tall hedges and topiaries create a sense of seclusion, just as they did when I used to play hide-and-seek with my brother. Marble statues stand among the lush greenery, reminding me of stories we used to imagine with them all those years ago.

The path leads me to a grand gazebo where I used to sit, dreaming of a future beyond this estate. I got that beautiful life that I’d always hoped for, only to now watch it all start to slip through my fingers.

It’s only a few minutes before I hear a voice that disturbs my contemplation.

“Mom?” Andries's voice, tinged with concern and uncertainty, calls from behind. “Are you okay?”

“Of course. Join me,” I reply, trying to sound composed even as my heart flutters with emotions. In seconds, the tall form of my oldest son appears beside me, looking every bit the dashing groom-to-be in his tailored suit, sans jacket.

He approaches me with that familiar warm smile, and I can't help but feel a surge of maternal pride. My darling son, about to embark on a new chapter of his life, and I want nothing more than to support him fully. Even if it’s costing me dearly.

“How are you coping with everything?” he asks gently, his clear blue eyes studying my face for any sign of distress.

Turning, I reach out to touch his cheek, wanting to reassure him. “Don't worry about me, my love. I’ll be fine.” But will I truly be fine? The turmoil inside me feels like a tempest, threatening to unravel the composure I've struggled to maintain. But his parents' dramatics should be the last thing Andries is concerned about on his special day.

Brows drawing together, he apologizes for his father's absence, his voice tinged with guilt. “I'm so sorry about Dad, Mom. I wish he would understand…but I guess I’ve been wishing that for awhile now, huh?”

I wave him over to the seats inside the gazebo. Today is perfect for a wedding, being wonderfully warm and sunny, but I’m tired of standing.

Maybe I’m just tired in general, I think.

“It's not your fault, my love,” I whisper, suppressing the pang of sadness at the fractures that are spreading throughout our entire family, ready to shatter it completely like a dropped vase on a marble floor. “Your wedding day should be about celebrating you and Roxanne and your love for one another, not the past.”

My entire being, body and mind, ache knowing that this beautiful day is marred by Sebastian's refusal to bless the union. Karl’s face floats through my thoughts, and my stomach rolls. I thought time would heal old wounds, but it seems like we are destined to carry this heavy burden forever.

Andries opens his mouth to protest, instinctively wanting to act as the peacekeeper, and it reminds me of the way he would act with his siblings as a child. I hold up my hand, stopping him before he starts. Enough misery for Andries. Sebastian has caused him quite enough.

Trying to redirect the conversation away from the melancholy that looms, I inquire about their post-wedding plans. “Hush, now. Let’s talk about happier things. Do you have any destination in mind for your honeymoon?” My tone comes off more animated than usual, a clear indication of my despair to focus on anything but my husband. How much longer is Mom going to be gone, talking to him?

Andries brightens up, his excitement contagious. “Yes. We're thinking of going to Sardinia for a week. Do all the newly-wed, tourist things, you know? It seemed like the perfect destination for our first days as a married couple.” He sounds sort of dreamy, as if he’s still in disbelief that he’s hours away from being a married man. If everything wasn’t in so much turmoil, I might even laugh.

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