Page 61 of The Kiss Principle

Zé’s silence seemed to take up all the space in the room. I pulled on a pair of socks. Igz was settling into her last hiccupy cries, curled into his shoulder.

“Where’s your cane?” I asked.

“This is your dream job. That’s what you told me.”

“The key word there is dream.”

“Lou loves you. She’s so excited for you to work together. And you’re wonderful at what you do; you’d be a huge asset. It’s something you’re interested in and excited about.”

“This is nice. Twist the knife a little more, would you?”

“I know you’re hurting right now, and I know you’re scared and worried about your brother and your mom, but I think you need someone to tell you that you don’t have to go running off to Oakland today. Chuy has been fine on his own for weeks. He’ll be fine for another day. You can get him tomorrow.”

“I can’t, actually. You heard my mom. She’ll drive up there herself. Try to, I mean.” I looked around. Keys, wallet. But my phone. “Where’s my phone?”

“So, let her.”

“You don’t understand.”

“I do, actually.” He adjusted Igz on his shoulder. His voice was soft and low, and he stroked her back. I knew how that felt, those broad hands moving slowly, calmingly. “Every time your mom has an emergency, she calls you. And you fix it for her. Because you’re a good son. You’re a good man.”

“She’ll fall apart halfway there. Less than half.”

“So, let her,” he said again. “She won’t die from it.”

I laughed, but I’ve always had a dark sense of humor. I’d been fourteen when they had to pump her stomach. She’d been fine, but I remembered the doctor sitting me down, this stern-faced old white guy with a cap of iron-gray hair. His hand heavy on my shoulder.You saved her life, he said.If you hadn’t been there…

“Zé, I appreciate the pep talk, but you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You deserve to live your own life, Fernando. This isn’t an emergency. Nobody’s in danger.”

“Chuy—”

“Chuy can come down on a bus. You can book him a flight. You’ve worked so hard to be where you are, Fernando. You’ve given so much up for everyone else. You deserve to be happy. Please don’t throw this opportunity away.”

“You know what will happen if I try to put him on a bus? He’ll get to the station, and he’ll score. Or he’ll score in the Uber on the way to the station. He’ll never get on the bus. Or if he does, he’ll score on the bus, and he’ll get off somewhere between here and there, and I won’t find him again for six months. He’s an addict.”

“You want to know something about people with substance abuse disorders?” Zé asked, and his voice was shaky, and his eyes looked liquid. “You can’t fix them, Fernando. No matter how much you love them. No matter how hard you try. You can’t control them. You can’t make them be who you want. You can’t. And I know you love him, and I know you want to save him, but you can’t.”

Mom had stopped crying. Igz was no longer fussing. I put my finger to my ear; it felt like when the pressure changed, like I needed to pop it.

“I’m sorry,” Zé said, “but someone needed to tell you that.”

I found my phone in the kitchen and left.

16

I called Lou before I left LA.

“Let me guess,” she said. “You’ve got a sore throat from all those big doctor knobs. You’re going to sound funny because somebody’s been stretching your vocal cords, and you wanted to warn me in advance.”

“I’ve got to cancel.”

“What the fuck, Fernando?”

“Something came up.”

Traffic. Light on glass. A horn.

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