Page 14 of The Kiss Principle

“For fuck’s sake, Lou.”

“I’m asking.” She cupped her chest. “Stop me when I get there.”

“I have other friends. I have other people who I can talk to about things.”

Her hands were still moving. “Wait, seriously? Tell me when I—Fer, Jesus, you’re kidding me. There’s no way—”

“I can pay for weed. That’s what I should start doing. I have a job. I’ll buy some.”

“I’m starting over. Are we talking apples? Cantaloupes?”

“He’s a guy, dumbshit.”

Lou grimaced. “Come on. First you tell me about this super-hot nanny with giant tits—”

“I never said that!”

“—and now all of a sudden he’s a dude. What’s wrong with him?”

“What?”

“Is he gay?”

“Wait, hold on.”

“I knew it. ‘Oh Fernando, I keep dropping everything.’” She mimed bending over. “Oh Fernando, help me. Oh Fernando, if it slips in on accident, it’s not gay.”

“How can you literally be the most homophobic person I’ve ever met?”

Another snort. “I heard you on the phone with Augustus last time you were here. I think the phrase was ‘Cum-drunk monkey slut’ and there was something about getting stuck on Theo’s knob.”

“Yeah, but that’s okay. That’s Augustus.”

“Is he cute?”

“No, Augustus looks like a Mack truck collided with a camel’s vagina.”

“The manny, shit-for-brains.”

I stressed each word. “He’s a guy.”

“I know. I heard you.” She gave me a considering look. “Why him?”

“Well, he’s the only candidate, so he’s got that going for him. Oh, and Isabela is already obsessed with him. And he watched her while I slept for four hours yesterday, and I swear to God, it was better than sex.”

An expression I couldn’t name flickered in Lou’s face when I named Isabela, but all she said was “If that’s not an exaggeration, something is wrong with your dick.”

“He even made dinner and straightened up the house.”

That same expression darted across Lou’s face again. “So, what’s the problem?”

“I need to run a background check.”

“Easy.”

“Seriously? You’ll do that?”

“We do background checks on everyone we hire. Get him up here, and we’ll do it. I’m not letting some pervert jack off in my niece’s crib.”

---