Page 75 of The Kiss Principle

“Of course it’s been a lot. You’ve got to be exhausted.”

“It’s all right. Plenty of people are single parents. I’ll hit my stride.” I found the remote and turned on the TV. I had no idea what I was looking at: apparently a romantic diaper commercial. “Sorry I unloaded on you like that.”

For what might have been the first time since he’d been thirteen and I’d tanned his ass, Augustus took the remote from me.

“Hey,” I said. “Just because the dinosaur let’s you watchBarney—”

He turned off the TV and tucked the remote behind his back. “The TV stays off until we finish this conversation.”

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me.”

I stared at him.

It took about ten seconds before he shrank down, hugging Igz to him. “Uh, please?”

“What the fuck is Pharaoh’s boner letting you get away with?”

“Fer, I want you to talk to me. I’m your brother. I love you. I want you to be happy, and I definitely want to help you after—” His voice got thick, and he stroked Igz’s fuzzy head. “—after you did so much for me. You gave up your whole life for me. I know that; I’m not an idiot.”

“Oh yeah?”

His grin blossomed. “I’m not a total idiot.”

I sighed and rubbed my face again.

His voice was tentative as he said, “I’m not a child anymore. You don’t have to protect me.”

I closed my eyes and saw her again: I’d been thirteen the first time, and she’d used a plastic bag because—the note said—she wanted to be beautiful when they found her. What was beautiful about having plastic stuck to your face, I wanted to know. What was beautiful about your kids finding you like that? I’d told Augustus she was tired from an audition, and I’d let him pick the snacks for his lunch so he’d be too excited to ask questions.

“Who said those things to you?” Augustus asked. “Chuy?”

It was another open door, another opportunity to tell him about Zé. But I nodded.

The silence lasted longer this time. “Do you think he’s right?”

“Do I think he’s right?”

“It’s an important question.”

The old, familiar helplessness welled up in me. “You know Mom has bad days. Every time one of these walking fucksticks disappears, she spirals. And even if she didn’t, she doesn’t even pretend to work anymore. She couldn’t afford an apartment, let alone to keep herself fed. Am I supposed to say, ‘Hey, thanks for giving birth to me, now fuck off and go be a bag lady’?”

“Well—”

“And Chuy. He had the fucking gall to look me in the face and tell me he doesn’t want me to do this anymore. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? All these fucking years running after him, getting his stomach pumped, carrying that fucking Narcan everywhere, rushing him to the emergency room, the rehab, the nights driving the worst fucking streets because I had no idea where he was. And now he says don’t bother, he doesn’t want me to do that anymore. Let him die, that’s what he’s saying. It was a good ride while it lasted, leave me the fuck alone so I can load up in some shithole and choke to death on my own vomit!” My throat hurt, and I realized I was yelling. Augustus’s eyes were wide, and he had one hand cupped over Igz’s head, but I couldn’t stop. “You think I don’t wish they’d leave me the fuck alone? Jesus Christ, they ruin everything. Mom’s emergencies. Mom’s breakdowns. She needs to go to Sedona. She needs to go to Santa Barbara. She needs to go to Vail. She needs more fucking pills!” I stood and started to pace. “Every time I try to do something for myself, every time I want something for myself, she finds a way to fuck it up. Or Chuy swoops in again. I finally had a chance to live my life doing what I wanted, and he dropped a fucking baby in my lap like—”

The hurt in Augustus’s eyes made me look away. All I could do was stand there, my chest heaving, my whole body hurting with the force of my shouting. From a long way off, I could hear Igz crying.

Augustus carried her out onto the deck, and the door shut behind them, and I couldn’t hear them anymore.

My eyes burned. My face was hot. I went to the bathroom and splashed cold water on my cheeks. I held a towel against my face, pressing it there until my knuckles throbbed, fighting a scream. It was like something had come unplugged in me, and now, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t stop it up again. All my helplessness. All my disappointment. All my rage. My handswere shaking so badly I couldn’t hang the towel up again, so I left it hanging over the side of the sink.

The sound of the deck slider called me back. Augustus was settling Igz in her swing; she’d stopped crying. He straightened, looked at me, and his eyes were still full of pain.

I tried to think of something to say. I’m sorry. I knew I was supposed to say I’m sorry, but I couldn’t even get that far.

And then Augustus hugged me. Not his awkward one-armed hug like he was a seventh-grader trying to cop a feel. He wrapped his arms around me and crushed me to him. He was still shorter than me, but the little wiener had been packing on muscle, probably so he could Tarzan his way from dick to dick out in the homo jungle.

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