Page 13 of The Kiss Principle

“Yes.” Lou turned around fast, waving the turner at me. “Because he knew this is exactly what would happen.”

“Don’t start with that.”

“Every fucking time, Fernando.”

“I said don’t start.”

“You’ve been cleaning up his messes since you were twelve years old.”

“Somebody has to.”

“Yeah? How’s that working out?”

“What the fuck was I supposed to do? Leave her on the table crying? You talk this big fucking game about tough love and consequences and all that bullshit, but tell me what the fuck you would have done if it’d been you.”

She pulled the pan from the stove, and the only sound was the hiss of the gas feeding the burner. She turned that off. Then it was silent.

“Where’s your mom?”

“Playing reverse cowgirl in Vegas.”

“Jesus, Fer.”

I shrugged.

“I’m about to eat,” Lou said.

“You told me my mom is hot. I’m the one who was scarred for life.”

“Your mom is hot. I still don’t want to picture straight-people sex.”

She pulled down plates and served the food. The tofu had some sort of chili-maple glaze, and we ate it with a cabbage salad that was crisp and cold from the refrigerator. For a while, our forks and knives clinked against the plates.

Then, in a different voice, she said again, “I’m worried about you.”

“I’m a big boy.”

She snorted. “Remember when you blasted that dick pic to the whole class?”

“I didn’t—”

“I guess big is a relative term. What are we talking? Big compared to those little swinging peanuts?”

“That wasn’t my dick! And that was Robbie’s idea of a fucking hilarious prank!” I tried to stop. “And the angle on that picture was terrible!”

“The little head was so cute. It had a lot of personality.”

I stared at her. “This is why I’m so fucked up. This is what Augustus is always yammering about. It’s because of you. Why do I ever talk to you?”

“Because I give you free weed.”

“There is that.”

The rest of the meal passed more easily, and as I carried the dishes to the sink, Lou asked, “So, what are you going to do?”

“I don’t know. I’ve got something. Maybe. A nanny.”

“How big are her tits?”

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