Page 19 of Lost in Me

“You just hope what?” I ask, needing to hear what she is thinking. She has been guarded for too fucking long. I don’t want her to go backward, I don’t want her to put up a wall between us, not after what we have done, not after what we both have said to each other.

“That I am worth all this trouble,” she states in a low, distant voice. I feel my heart shatter.

Chapter Twelve

Emory

One Week Later

Things have calmed down since Shawn confronted Jesse in front of the center. He is still following us. He is still watching me, but he is doing it from a distance now. The more distance between us, the better.

The car ride from the center a week ago was a hard one. I almost lost myself. I almost let the fear and memories of Jesse completely consume me and take me far, far away, to a place Shawn wouldn’t be able to follow me, but he brought me back. He made sure that didn’t happen.

Since then, I have been staying at home. I took the last week off from work and took some vacation time, if you can call it that. I have felt safer inside my new home than I have at work lately. Jesse has continued to leave dead roses and letters outside the center, and he has even left a few gifts at the gate of our home, but he hasn’t been able to get inside.

Shawn has informed his cop friends that he has them on payroll, and they have been following Jesse around, letting him know they are watching him. But that hasn’t stopped Jesse from going to the center or coming to this house. He knows I haven’t left in a week. Everyone knows, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to go outside. Even though this house is surrounded by guards and cops now, I still don’t feel completely safe.

Shawn hasn’t pushed me to go outside, but he has mentioned a few times that he has to go to one of his clubs. He has continued his other work on the side, but he hasn’t been going out much. His buyers have been coming here, staying at the door as Shawn gives them their drugs, and then they leave to get high. He doesn’t let them in the house, and he makes sureI am in our room when they come. He is paranoid, but for good reason. We both have been on edge.

But in the last week, I have given myself to Shawn more times than I can count. I think the sex allows us to escape into each other, and for a few hours, we can forget about Jesse and what’s going on in the outside world. The more sex we have, the more we seem to open to each other.

Every day he looks at me, I see him falling more in love just like I am falling more in love with him, which makes all that is happening with Jesse that much more terrifying. It was just me before, and to be honest there was a point I didn’t care what Jesse did to me. I prayed for death so many times, and there were a few times I even thought about doing it myself, but I could never cross that line. And now that I have Shawn and the life I have built here, I am glad I wasn’t able to.

But now I have more to lose if Jesse takes me away, if he claims me once again as his. I once gave myself to him fully, but I can’t go back to that. No matter what he tries, I must be strong and fight. Fight for Shawn. Fight for what we have and fight for the life I want because I don’t want to be the person I used to be with Jesse. Even though I still feel him inside me, I am trying to move on, trying to be strong. Just trying.

Tonight, I promised myself I would go with Shawn to the club. He owns many businesses in this town, including most of the clubs. I haven’t been out to a club since before Jesse went to prison.

I used to go out all the time with my friends, but once they walked away from me, I was alone. The only person I had was Jesse, and he hated me going out to clubs. He hated knowing other people were watching me. He wanted control all the time, even over what I wore. Now I am free, and even though he is watching us and trying to make our lives hell, I want to be that girl I was before—the one that had fun, laughed, and enjoyedgoing out dancing.

Shawn was on edge when I told him I would go with him. I think he is nervous about me seeing him deal. He is nervous about me seeing that side of his life, but just like he told me in his office, once the door is open to his world, I won’t be able to leave. I won’t be able to escape it, and I don’t want to. I want him—all of him—and that means I also want the other life he lives.

I stand in front of the full-body mirror in Shawn’s room. My hair is down and curled, showing off the blonde and dark streaks.

I am wearing a black tank top that hugs my every curve and shows off most of my tattoos, including the ones on my neck and chest. When Jesse went to prison, I had to find a healthy outlet for what I was feeling, and I found my release in tattoos, and before I knew it, I was covered.

I am wearing a short black skirt with boots that come up to my knees. Jesse would never have approved of me wearing something like this, and honestly, going against the rules I used to follow so easily makes me excited. It makes me feel like I am once again taking back my power, that I am once again taking back control.

Shawn and I have talked a lot about baiting Jesse over this last week. It makes me nervous to know we will both be doing things to set him off, but it is the only way we are going to win this game. Him staying in the shadows, watching and waiting, makes me and Shawn more nervous than seeing him face to face.

I continue to look at myself in the full mirror. I look over at the doorway and see Shawn standing there. He is always watching me, but it is different when he does. Iwanthim to watch me. I want to feel his eyes on me. I want to see the look of desire and need in his eyes for me. The way Shawn craves me makes me feel wanted and needed in ways I have neverfelt before. He is intoxicating, and he doesn’t even have to do anything.

“You just going to stand there and watch?” I ask, looking at him through the mirror.

“Yes, I think I will,” he states in a low tone.

I slowly turn around and make my way over to him, stopping when my chest is against his. I can feel his heartbeat racing as he keeps his hands at his sides.

“Do you like what you see?” I ask, tilting my head to the side. Shawn brings out a side to me I never knew was there. He makes me feel wanted, desired, and sexy. These are things I never felt with Jesse but craved.

With Shawn, it comes easily. It is easy for him to show me what he is feeling. It is easy for him to show me he loves me. It is easy for him not to hurt me. Reminding me once again that what I had with Jesse was not right, reminding me once again that what Jesse and I had was toxic.

Shawn is showing me that I deserve better. That I am worth it.

He slowly nods. “I do,” he states in a low tone. The tone I have learned turns me on and makes me excited, that makes me want him, and he knows it. I can tell from the look in his eyes he knows exactly what he is doing.

“Good,” I say, amused.

He leans down and gently connects his lips to mine. I close my eyes and lean into him, trying my hardest to keep my hands at my sides. The kiss doesn’t last long before he pulls back and looks down at me.

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