Page 13 of Lost in Me

“I believe you.”

“Good,” he states, leaning in and connecting his lips to mine again for a sweet but quick kiss. He pulls back and looks into my eyes. I know he is trying to figure out if I am okay, and in this moment, I am. In this moment, I feel safe, but a lot canhappen in eight hours that might change that.

“I will be with you all day. I will keep my eyes on you.”

“Okay.”

He takes a deep breath and releases his hold on me. He takes a small step back, forcing me to lower my hands from his chest. He reaches out, grabs my hand, and turns around, slowly guiding me onto the pathway that leads to the front door. We don’t walk that far before he stops dead in his tracks.

My heart sinks when I look at the front door and see the diamond ring box, the dead roses, and the letter lying next to the roses and diamond box. I take a deep breath as Shawn quickly closes the distance between us and what Jesse has left for me. Shawn lets go of my hand and slowly kneels in front of the dead roses, letter, and diamond box.

I stand still as Shawn reaches over, grabs the letter, and opens it. I don’t need to kneel to read it, I already know what it is.“Our Vows”are in big black letters at the top. My heart drops as Shawn keeps the note in one hand and grabs the diamond ring box in the other. He slowly stands up and turns around to face me.

I look from the letter and box up to his eyes. They are filled with rage and worry. It’s a deadly combination.

“Do you want me to tell you what the letter says?” he asks in a low voice. I don’t need him to read it to know what it says. The words are forever burned into my brain. He used the vows in that letter to keep me trapped. To keep me from leaving, and now, once again, he is trying to use it against me.

Those words were true for me at one time. Very true. I wanted him, and I wanted a life with him, but now all I see is the abuse and pain he inflicted on me. What he put me through. Controlling me, hurting me, raping me.

Those vows no longer hold the power in my heart they once did, and now that I have seen what life can be withoutJesse, I never want to go back. I want this life I have created. The life I could have with Shawn. I know it is dangerous. I knew life wouldn’t be perfect, and at times it would be hard, but I am willing to fight for it. I am willing to try.

And even though part of me is scared and part of me thinks if I just go back to Jesse and say I am sorry, everything will be okay, I know it is a lie. It is a battle in my head of what is right and wrong and what I should and shouldn’t do.

“I know what it says. They are the vows we made to each other when we were younger and first got together,” I state softly, feeling my heart race.

“Wedding vows?” Shawn states.

I slowly nod. “He is trying to remind me.” Jesse has always been good at making me see things his way and making me feel like what I am feeling and thinking is wrong. He is good at manipulating me. He did it for years, and I never saw it for what it was until after he went to prison and I started therapy. Then, when I went to school and learned more, all the knowledge and facts hit me right in the face.

“Remind you of what?” Shawn asks in a concerned and worried voice. Since last night, Shawn is different, and I am different. He is no longer distant. He is no longer quiet, but he is affectionate and kind and makes sure there is no distance between us.

I don’t know if it is because I had sex with him or if it is because deep down inside, we both desired each other for years now, and now that we have finally given in, the relationship is changing. I am still confused and on guard but every moment I spend with him, my guard continues to go down, and my confusion is less.

I take a deep breath. “What it was like,” I whisper the words. I allow memories I have tried for the past twelve years to forget to flood my mind, taking up all the space in my head.

“That is the key word, Angel,” Shawn states in a low, seductive voice, pulling me away from my thoughts. He knew what would get my attention. He knows a lot about me, more than I thought he did, and he still wants me. He wants us. This seems like a dream. A dream I never want to end.

“What?” I ask, trying to understand what he is trying to say to me.

“What it was like. That is how it was. Not how it will always be,” Shawn states in a stern voice. He is right. Of course he is right. Jesse would say and do anything to convince me things would be different, but he never kept his promises to me, and things only got worse.

“I know,” I state softly.

“Is this the ring he gave you?” Shawn asks, but I know he already knows the answer. I gave Jesse the ring back a few months before everything went down in the locked room before I sent him to prison. I gave him back the ring because I wanted out, and that is when he lost it and things went completely wrong and insane between us.

I slowly nod. “Yes,” I whisper.

He takes a deep breath, turns around, bends over, and grabs the dead roses. He quickly makes his way over to the trash can and throws the roses, letter, and ring box into the trash. I slowly walk over to his side and grab his hand. He squeezes my hand as we both look around. Everything is quiet.

The warmth from his hand is now spreading across my skin, calming me down and reminding me I am not alone. Reminding me of the words Shawn has told me. The words I trust and know are true. Shawn doesn’t lie. He doesn’t hurt me. He cares about me in a different way than Jesse, and it is a good thing.

We both turn back around, and Shawn quickly unlocks the front, forcing us both inside. He tightens his grip on my handand turns around and locks the front door. Pushing on it to make sure it is locked and won’t open.

He releases his grip on my hand and takes a step forward, then turns around and looks at me. The worry in his eyes has increased since entering the building. I know he is worried. I am worried.

“I am going to call the staff and let them know we are closing for today,” Shawn states, searching my eyes. I quickly close the small distance between us and rest my hands gently on his chest. I take a deep breath.

I slowly shake my head at him as we both search each other’s eyes. “No, don’t do that,” I state, pleading with him. I don’t want him to shut down this place. People need this place. They need us. We are the only hope some people have. People just like me. Shutting down could hurt them, and I don’t want to take that chance.

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