Page 5 of Lost in Me

Jesse takes a deep breath. His hands form into fists. “I know you can fucking hear me, Emory. I am coming for you, and when I get my hands on you, you will never fucking escape!” Jesse screams as he turns and walks out of the building.

My heart is beating so fast I can hear it in my ears. I know I am crying, but I can’t hear it through my heartbeat. I lean over, resting the side of my head on the wall. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. He wasted no time finding me. I knew this day would come. I tried to prepare, and now that it is here, I am frozen. I am right back in the state of mind I was at the courthouse. Right back where I was in that locked room with him.

I feel a set of knuckles gently brush against my cheek. My body flinches a little. I open my eyes and turn my head. Shawn is standing right there. His breathing is rapid. His eyes search mine as he lowers his hand from my cheek. I hate that I flinched. I hate that I feel completely out of control right now.

“Are you okay?” Shawn asks me, tilting his head to the side.

I shake my head slowly.

He takes a deep breath and reaches out his hand to me. I don’t know why, but I take it without having to think. He slowly guides me away from the corner and out of the break room.

He leads me down the hallway toward his office. I lethim guide me inside as he closes the door and releases my hand. I stand still, feeling vulnerable and naked. I feel unsafe and uncomfortable. For all I know, Jesse is waiting outside the building for me. I feel trapped.

Shawn grabs my hand and leads me over to the couch. I sit and sink into it, wanting to escape. Wanting to run.

Shawn quickly makes his way over to me and stops in front of me. I watch him slowly kneel. He places his hands on my knees and takes another deep breath. I think taking a deep breath is the only thing either of us can do right now.

This whole situation is insane, and I feel embarrassed. I feel like an outsider looking into the life I was creating. No one here will ever look at me the same again. They now will only see the trauma and the man at the counter screaming, demanding to see me.

All the healing I have done over the years, the power and control I felt I had gained back has just been shattered and taken away. Jesse, once again, has become the center of my life and my thoughts.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, looking into Shawn’s eyes. He tilts his head to the side and continues to search my eyes. His eyes are calm, and his breathing is more stable now. The rage I saw earlier is gone and is replaced with worry and concern.

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Shawn whispers.

I slowly look around his office. I have only been here once when I had the interview. Since then, I have only seen his office from my office. It is a lot more colorful and put together than I thought it would be. There are pictures on the walls. There is a rug in the center of the office and two chairs on one side of the desk, and his big black leather chair is on the other side. This office is a lot more inviting than I thought.

I look back at Shawn. His eyes are still deadlocked on me. “I need to go,” I state softly through my fear. I love the life I havebeen building here, but if I must leave it to keep everyone safe, including myself, then I will start over again in a different place.

“Go where?” Shawn asks.

“Anywhere but here,” I answer, breaking my eyes away from him. I look down at my hands. They are still shaking. I am still shaking. I have a feeling that won’t stop anytime soon. I hate feeling this way. Uncertain and unsafe.

“So that was your ex I read about in your file,” Shawn states.

I know that’s not a question, it is a statement. Shawn knows more about me than anyone else does. A normal person wouldn’t read someone’s therapy file, but Shawn is not normal, and I am not normal. I should be mad that he read my file and knows so many personal things about me, but I am not mad. I am fine with it, which after what I have been through, is odd.

I am always on guard, but Shawn has a calmness about him that makes me feel comfortable. Even though I am still nervous, it isn’t a bad nervous. He is just very intimidating, and he knows it. He is powerful and rich, and I have learned over the years that people either fear him, respect him, or both.

I nod my head slowly, still looking down at my hands.

“You don’t have to leave, Em,” Shawn states, pulling my attention from my hands back to him. I look up at him. His hands are still on my knees. He is still kneeling in front of me, which I am guessing is a new position for him. He doesn’t seem like the type of guy who kneels for just anyone, and honestly, I don’t know why he is doing it for me.

I wish I could agree with Shawn’s words, but I don’t. Jesse has made it clear to everyone that he is not going to stop until he has me back, and I fear what will happen once he does get his hands on me. I almost died in that room he had me locked in, and now that I put him in prison and he has served the time, I can only imagine what he has planned for me. “Yes, I do. Youheard him.” These are the only words I can say as the thoughts of what Jesse is going to do to me flood my mind.

“He won’t touch you,” Shawn states with confidence.

Confidence I wish I had. I don’t know what makes him think that, but I do know Shawn doesn’t follow normal society rules, and I also know Shawn is willing to cross over many lines, or at least that is what I have heard through rumors in the office. You don’t become a millionaire drug dealer by not crossing over some lines. He and I are from different worlds.

I don’t respond. I honestly don’t know what to say. I don’t know what the hell is going on. This morning, I woke up. My life was normal, or at least as normal as it can be, but now everything has been broken and shattered.

After a few moments of us staring at each other, I finally feel I can say something. Hearing Shawn say that honestly took me off guard. I have only heard the officers say that, and even though I don’t know how he can say it, I am starting to believe him. I can see the honesty in his eyes. “I believe you,” are the only words I manage.

I trust Shawn. I don’t know why, but I do. I trust his words. I saw how he was with Jesse. He is not afraid of him. He will not back down or submit to him.

I need Shawn. I need the other Shawn, the one he keeps hidden from us. The real him, the one I think I saw a piece of today.

“Will you please help me?” I ask, continuing to look into his eyes. This whole situation is weird and makes me uncomfortable, but being uncomfortable is not new to me. I am normally uncomfortable about something.

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