Page 1 of Lost in Me

Prologue

Emory

Twelve Years Ago

I slowly stand up from the witness stand and make my way across the room to my lawyer. He looks as nervous as I feel right now. I take a seat next to him, sitting back in my chair. I rest my hands on my lap. I can feel my entire body shaking.

Having to answer all those questions about what Jesse did to me was harder than I thought it would be. All the emotions and images have flooded back, making me feel like I am back in that room locked in, him laughing and screaming at me, kicking me, raping me, promising me that I belong to him and only him.

I take a deep breath and look straight ahead at the judge. The entire room is quiet as everyone processes what I just shared with them. Jesse’s lawyer tried to make it sound like he and I were just fine, that it was just foreplay and went wrong, but that is not what happened.

Jesse kept me for five days, and what happened in that locked room is something I will never ever forget. He took something from me over those five days, something I don’t thinkI will ever, ever get back.

I can feel his eyes on me. His eyes have been locked on me since they brought him into the courtroom in handcuffs, and even though there are guards, the judge, and the lawyers, I am terrified he is going to get to me. They don’t know him the way I do.

Jesse and I were high school sweethearts. I have been with him since I was 14 years old. I am 28 now. That is fourteen years I was with him. I thought he was the love of my life, but I learned very quickly what our relationship was to him. It wasn’t love—it was ownership, and I was the property.

I watch the judge take a deep breath as he sits back in his chair.

“Mr. Cannon, stand for your sentencing,” the judge states, looking at my ex.

I don’t look over as I hear him and his lawyer stand up. I don’t need to look at him to know he is pissed off. I can feel the rage from here.

“I have heard many testimonies, and I have to say in my thirty years sitting up here, I have never heard a story like this one. What you did to your girlfriend is beyond words. You knew exactly what you were doing. You are a dangerous man, and I hereby sentence you to twelve years in federal prison with no possibility of early parole. Maybe sitting behind bars will make you think and process what you have done.”

The judge doesn’t give him time to speak as he nods at the guards. I turn and watch the guards walk over to Jesse for the first time since this whole thing started. I look at Jesse, his eyes locked with mine, as he takes a deep breath. “You will pay for this. Just remember if I can’t have you, no one will, Emory. I will make sure of it,” Jesse states in a low, dark voice, the same voice he has used a million times, trying to keep me in line.

But no matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried tochange the way he wanted, it was never good enough for him. He always wanted more, but now I have nothing left. I am empty in every sense of the word. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

The girl I was before I met him is long gone. She has been chipped away piece by piece and replaced with someone I don’t recognize. I used to be full of life. I had dreams and goals, but now, when I look in the mirror, I see nothing.

I hate the person I am right now in this court. Someone who is afraid of men. Someone afraid of every noise, afraid of certain tones, certain behaviors. All of it makes me uneasy and uncomfortable. I quickly turn my head and sink down into my chair, his words repeating in my head as the guards remove Jesse from the courtroom.

“I am sorry for what you have gone through, Emory. Hopefully, we can help you start over. We will help you relocate far from here. I know that will not take back what has been done to you, but it will give you a fresh start and time to heal,” the judge states. I can hear the pain in his voice, forcing me to look up at him.

“Thank you,” I whisper. Those are the only words I can say right now, because honestly, I don’t know what else to say. This whole process has made me even more numb, if that is possible.

****

One Hour Later

“We will take you wherever you want to go,” the officer says. His tone is soft and gentle.

My hands are still shaking. I know Jesse means what he says. One thing for sure: he is not a liar. He always means what he says, and I know he will find a way to follow through with his words.

“New Orleans, please,” I state softly. I have always wanted to go to New Orleans, and now I can finally go. I don’t need to ask permission or look over my shoulder for Jesse. He doesn’t get to control me anymore, or at least that is what I tell myself.

Honestly, I can still feel his fingertips on me, his lips on mine, and I doubt that will ever go away. He has marked me, claimed me, and even though he is now locked up, he haunts me.

“You want to go that far away?” he asks softly, resting his hand on my lower back. I feel my body wanting to pull away, but I fight through it. This man means no harm. He is just trying to help. I can see it in his eyes he is a good man. I have learned to know the difference.

“Yes, there is nothing here for me,” I whisper. No friends, no family. All of them left me a long time ago. Jesse made sure of that. He has always been jealous and possessive, and over the years it only got worse, and eventually my friends and family couldn’t take it anymore, so they wrote me off and walked away. Because I couldn’t walk away from Jesse, he wouldn’t let me. No one seemed to understand that.

Walking away sounds so easy, but really, it is the hardest thing to do when you have someone putting you down and breaking you for so long. Eventually, you start to believe what they tell you, and that is what happened to me. I finally accepted what Jesse was telling me. I finally gave in and believed everything he told me, and now I don’t know what to do.

“Okay, New Orleans it is,” he states with a smile. He opens the back door to the black car. The undercover car is a little over the top, but I will run with it. I take a deep breath and slide inside. The officer closes the door and gets into the passenger seat. His partner is in the driver’s seat, ready to go.

Maybe a fresh new start is exactly what I need. The farther away I get from here, the better. Twelve years can go byquick, but I can only hope and pray that by the time the twelve years are up, Jesse will have moved on and forgotten about me. Then again, I have never been that lucky.

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