Page 83 of Second Chance Baby

“Yeah, whatever.” I fist-bumped him and he rose to give me a big hug, clapping my back hard enough to rupture an organ or two. “Happy for you, man. Go big. Trust me there.”

I smiled and nodded, pondering his words as Bridget took time to say goodbye to each of my many family members, even taking time to pull my mom aside, talking to her seriously for a few moments, too far away for me to hear.

Not that I would’ve eavesdropped. Probably.

Then she pulled Carrington into a hug before finally breaking away to follow me to the door. She gave everyone a long wave before she stepped outside and promptly burst into tears.

“Your mom told me she was so happy I was back with you. That no one else would ever be good enough for her little boy.” Impatiently, she dashed at her tears. “She told me how years ago, my mom had confided in her that she felt as if she wasted her life, so she needed to take some time for herself, no matter what. And your mom had been afraid years ago when I left, that I was just a chip off the old block. But she knows now I’m not, since she can see now how committed I am to doing the work and making up for the time we lost.”

“We both are committed to that.” I used my thumb to smear her tears away. “I mentioned counseling to my mom as she was cooking, and she texted me the name of the guy she uses. I’m going to make an appointment just for me first, then you and Carrington if you want to go too. Not sure Care will be into it once the time comes, but I’m offering her the opportunity if she wants it.”

Bridget nodded vigorously. “I want it. For the last several months, I had an appointment a few times with a woman in the city. She’s the one who got me to start thinking back to stuff my mom said I’d just tried to forget. Annalise is terrific, but I’m not sure she does long-distance therapy. I will find out, though. And I’ll start with your mom’s therapist here too, if it’s possible to do both. I’ll find out what they recommend and do that, to the letter.”

I had to smile. “You do what works for you. Therapy isn’t a job. Ideally, in time, it will start to make you feel better. At first, it probably won’t. How you can guess you may be on the right path, if it’s a little rocky. At least that’s my mom’s theory.”

She laughed softly. “Your mom is a damn swami, as far as I’m concerned.” She swallowed hard and forged ahead. “Trav, my mom told me I was the reason me and Lacey’s dad left when I was seven years old.”

“What?” I whispered, horrified.

She nodded. “He hadn’t wanted another kid, couldn’t afford another kid, so he split when she wouldn’t give me up. So, naturally, it was all my fault.” She buried her face in her hands for a moment before lifting her head, her eyes now bone dry. “I was afraid in spite of myself I would poison Carrington’s mind the same way. That I’d inadvertently convey to her that my life had been better without her in it. That was the main reason I left. No one could’ve convinced me I wouldn’t taint her with the same kind of terrible thoughts my mom had filled my head with. And I just hadn’t wanted to take the chance.”

I brushed my fingertips along her jaw to get her to turn her face to mine. “Oh, sweetheart. Why didn’t you just tell me?”

“I’m not even sure I fully knew my own motivations. Along with the crazy flood of hormones, I’d just been focused on escape. On getting away before I did something I couldn’t take back. Looking back, I assumed with my postpartum depression, I’d been afraid I would hurt Care. You know, physically. But now I’m not sure that was it.”

“You think you were afraid you’d hurt her emotionally, not physically,” I said in a monotone.

“Yeah. I mean, maybe. It was definitely a consideration, anyway.” She shrugged jerkily. “It’s just been something I’ve been thinking about for the last couple days. I thought I was such a horrible person. Who could think that way about their own baby? But spending time with your family tonight, seeing how much they love all of you, made me realize some important stuff.”

I stroked her hair, letting her talk it out.

“My mom set me up for a harder path, but I’m not cursed to turn my kids into feeling like unlovable failures. I have so much support with your family, and with you. I didn’t want your family to think I was a failure because I couldn’t take care of us.”

“Oh, Brig. No one would think that.”

“I know that now. I just have to work harder to push back those ugly voices, that’s all. And to ask for help when I start feeling shaky and like I can’t do this. Like I’m not good enough to be worthy of this family and this life. Our life andourfamily,” she added fiercely, her blue eyes aglow with an inner light I’d never seen before.

As if she was a warrior champion ready to do battle to the death. In a very real way, I had a feeling that might be necessary.

“Damn straight you’re good enough. And you’re worthy of the fucking world. I’m so sorry your mom blamed you for things that you had no control over. But you said she has mental health concerns, right? Yet again, she put her load on her young daughter’s shoulders to help carry.” I cupped her shoulders and shifted her toward me. “You did the best you could with no support. I certainly didn’t support you enough back then. I had no clue about any of it.”

We’d been so damn young. Both of us had made so many freaking mistakes. We’d both need to do better and work hard to put our family on a better path.

My parents hadn’t been perfect, but they’d never put that kind of crap on us.Ever.

“I was so lucky never to have to deal with that sort of thing, so I never even realized it existed. Never tried to help you carry the burden. But now I know.” And she’d never feel alone again. I’d make sure of it. “Now I’m older if not wiser. Raising Care sure as hell showed me how hard it was doing mostly alone. I’m so sorry we lost so much damn time. We’ll talk it out with someone who can offer us tools to work through this shit and help clear up the fog a bit. Does that work for you?”

“Yes. Oh, God, yes. Thank you. Just…thank you.” She looped her arms around my neck, hugging me with all her strength before she pulled back to tip her forehead to mine. “But I have somewhere I need to go now.”

TWENTY

He pressedhis lips together until they turned white. “Go?I thought we were getting your stuff from the city tonight. You know, the first day of the rest of our lives bullshit.”

“Yeah. I still want to do that absolutely.” I tried to smile. “Just I have to do something really important first.”

Slowly nodding, he murmured, “Okay. Just as long as you promise to tell me when you’re getting scared. Even if you can’t tell me why yet, just make sure you always let me know you’re feeling afraid. I’ll do my best to listen, no matter what.”

“I will try my hardest to do that. I promise.” I rubbed my arms as the wind lifted, skittering the crunchy leaves that lined the walkway. “I have no way of going back to undo what I did. All I can do is go forward. I can trust myself to make different choices this time, because Iwantto. Because people I love feel the same for me and are trusting me to do my best to live differently. Getting lost in self-loathing doesn’t make our current reality any better. It just makes the chances of me making the same wrong choices again that much higher.” I blew out a breath, studying him intently. His knitted eyebrows as he thought through what I’d said made my chest hurt, but I didn’t take any of it back. I couldn’t. “Though I want to go get my stuffin the city with you tonight, there’s someone I need to see and talk to first. While knowing you trust me to come back and do what I said I would do. I love you, Travis, and I love our girl, but I can’t put myself last again. That’s only a recipe for losing myself, which makes it more likely I’ll make mistakes I can’t stand one more time. Do you trust me?”

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