Page 15 of Currency in Flesh

“Perhaps you have forgotten why you are here,” she bit out. “Yourhusbandmade a bargain with me, which cost you everything. I feel as though I have been quite generous. You are not rotting in the pit, no eagle consumes your liver every evening, and you seem rather well-kept comparatively. Would you prefer to join him? It can easily be arranged.”

The air in the room heated so suddenly that my eyes were forced shut and I thought the hair on my arms would be singed. Without looking, I reached out a trembling hand and found the smooth skin of Lady Cora’s thigh. The moment my fingertips touched her warm flesh, the temperature began to drop. By the time her hand settled atop mine, I had opened my eyes. There was a fleeting pinch to the set of her face, but it vanished as quickly as it came, and she tossed her hair over hershoulder imperiously. It was as close to an apology or an admittance of losing control as I thought I’d get.

“Apologies, Lady Cora,” I said, dropping my gaze to my lap.

“In the spirit of my continued generosity,” she began, “in the event you choose to agree—I will grant you one request within reason.”

My voice came out incredulous. “Anything?”

“Within reason.”

I couldn’t help but watch how the tip of her tongue pressed against the back of her teeth as she finished the word. The physical pull I felt towards her was as overwhelming as it was shameful. Yet, I knew now that she spoke true when she said she was in control of everything down here. Who could say she hadn’t manipulated my own body against me? My heartbeat quickened with the thought.

My mind flipped through each of our encounters like frames in a reel of film. Each time, my body itself had reacted to her long before I’d had a chance to even understand our interaction. She’d chained me, struck me, made me lick her fucking feet. There was absolutely no logical reason I should feel even the slightest attraction to her. I had never been with a woman before outside of a drunken threesome, never wanted to. So this, the way I found myself in a constant state of arousal when she was near…

I shook my head slightly, attempting to dislodge the many thoughts that clouded my brain. “And all you want me to do is agree to let you show me one more thing about Sean?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t understand what you get from that,” I said.

“I am not required to explain myself, pet. I have made my offer.”

It seemed like a trick of some kind, and I was wary of agreeing. There was a fucking song about making a deal withthe devil, and it had never seemed to work out for anyone in movies or TV shows, either. But she could invade my dreams regardless—why not potentially benefit from it at the same time?

“All right,” I replied, taking a deep breath. Her answering smile held a feral edge and I couldn’t tell if she was more excited to show me something terrible, or simply to have gotten me to agree to her terms.

She reached out and ran one long nail across my jaw and I was struck by an intense and immediate need to lie down. As my head hit the pillow she leaned down over me and pressed a kiss to my forehead.“Sleep.”

I openedmy eyes to the sight of my kitchen. It had to have been a few years prior—the tile was missing the chip near the fridge from when Sean had thrown the espresso machine. Looking around, I noticed my reflection didn’t show in the shining steel of the appliances or the glass front of the microwave. I walked through the kitchen, letting my fingers drift over the countertop I knew I’d never touch again. As much as I resented this room, it had become a sort of sanctuary. I’d spent so many nights hiding from his anger behind these counters.

Sean walked into the room, and I froze. The terror that clutched my heart had glacial fingers, and it squeezed with a power I had never possessed. I opened my mouth to say something, to explain why I stood here in a silk nightgown and no shoes in the middle of the day, but he stepped past me without even glancing my way. A thin breath escaped my lips, and I prayed to the universe that he didn’t hear. But a moment later, his broad shoulders turned, and he began to stalk toward me. I couldn’t move. Pressed against the pale marble, I trembled, andit wasn’t until he walked directly through me that I truly understood I did not exist in his reality.

This is a memory, nothing more,I reminded myself over and over. It became a mantra, a tangible thing to grasp in the roiling sea of my fear. And as soon as it sank in and settled, I stood taller and strode across the kitchen. Sean stood next to the wine fridge, and reached up to a cabinet far too high for me to have reached without a stepstool. He pulled out something small and I couldn’t see it in the span of his palm. Drawing closer, cautious even knowing he couldn’t see me, I tried to get a better look.

It was a pink circle of plastic, about three inches wide, and he opened it with his thumb. When I saw what sat within, I bent slightly at the waist as though struck. I recognized the circle of small pills, knew precisely what they were. I leaned in further, trying to see the name on the label, hoping it wouldn’t say what I knew in my heart it would.

Grace Schafer, 9/8/89, Progesterone 75mg.

With a profound sense of detachment I watched as he removed the pill, crushed it, and sprinkled the powder into a wine glass. I remembered this night—the genuine shock and odd hope it brought to see him carry in two glasses and hand me one.Is this progress?I remember thinking.Is this his way of showing love?And now I knew. I knew why every pregnancy test came up negative, no matter what my doctors were telling me. I knew why my periods came late sometimes even when I was certain my hormones had leveled out. I knew why I had gained weight. I knew the true betrayal of my husband.

I was cryingbefore I even regained coherence, silent tears streaming down my cheeks as my shoulders shook softly. Lady Cora was still seated beside me, but I swear she was a fewinches closer than she had been before my dream. I couldn’t meet her eyes. The crushing weight of what she had shown me kept my head pressed down, my gaze on my lap, watching as my tears struck the sheet and spread into tiny damp circles.

I regained composure slowly, but Lady Cora remained silent throughout, whether out of respect or disdain I didn’t know. I looked up at her and in her eyes I found a spark that lit my own flame. Every bit of sadness shifted in the span of a single blink. All my sorrow and feelings of betrayal, my lost hopes and my shattered dreams exploded in a rush of flame that would have burned me down to bone. When I spoke, my voice was strong and low—bubbling over with rage.

“Take me to him.”

CHAPTER ELEVEN

We appeared in a dark room immediately. I was clothed in thick, narrow, black pants and a black tee shirt that hugged my generous curves. Lady Cora stood beside me in a similar outfit, wearing heels rather than the docs I saw on my own feet.

“Are you ready for this?” she asked. There was no judgment in her voice, and I felt oddly bolstered. She wasn’t asking because she thought me weak, she was asking because she wanted me strong.

I took a breath of smoke scented air. My hands clenched and loosened at my sides. Sean’s fingers appeared in my mind’s eye, the way they moved as they sprinkled the crushed birth control into the glass. I wanted to break them all. “Yes.”

She turned and the same dark cabinet stood against the wall. I felt my forehead crease as I gave her a questioning look. Her mouth moved infinitesimally, and I recognized a repressed smile. “I did not think him worthy of more.”

Her heels clicked against the hard flooring as she took three steps toward it. Pausing, she looked back at me, the same faint,familiar glow cast on her cheeks. “Would you prefer to do the honors?” she asked.

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