Page 147 of Five Summers

Taking a moment to gather my thoughts, I return to the couch. Nervously, my leg bobs up and down.

“Xander, you’re scaring me,” she says, her voice tinged with concern.

“Yeah, I’m kind of scaring myself, too.” A nervous laugh escapes me, and upon hearing it, I realize how ridiculous I sound.

How the fuck do I do this? How can I summon the strength to share my true feelings with her? I mentioned it once, but I waited until she was asleep because to voice it out loud was difficult. But my love for her persists, and if I continue to withhold this truth, I fear losing her again. But how the fuck can I open up and tell her that?

My mouth opens, words hovering on the tip of my tongue, yet I hesitate and close it without uttering anything. Inhaling deeply, I exhale slowly, pausing for a few seconds.Just do it dipshit. Man up and tell her how you feel.

“Remember when I said we needed to talk?”

“Yeah.”

“Can you forgive me? Can you forgive me for bailing on you?”

She lowers her head, absently picking at a loose thread on her cardigan. The pain on her face is clear, and it cuts me to the core, knowing I caused her this pain.

I stay silent, giving her the time to respond.

Finally, she lifts her head and asks, “Why did you do it? I could have understood if you had left early, but you simply vanished without saying anything.”

“I know. I’m sorry. It’s a burden I’ve carried for years, Princess.”

“Why did you leave like that?”

“Because when things get hard, that’s what I fucking do. You know that? And after what your mother said-”

She lifts her head. “Wait!” she interrupts me, studying me for a moment, and I see the confused look on her face. “When did you see my mother?”

“That morning, she caught us. I returned to the house so that you wouldn’t get all the blame.”

“Wait?” she says, her brows furrowing. “On the morning we were caught in my room, you came back to the house?”

“Yes.”

She blinks like she's trying to put the pieces together in her head.

“As I was walking down the front path, your mom came out of the front door and blocked me.”

From the way she's looking at me, it's clear she has no idea what I’m talking about. The thought crosses my mind that Poppy's mother might have been lying and that Poppy wasn't watching from inside, as she had said.

“What exactly did my mother say to you?”

“She told me I was nothing but a fuck up. Someone who will only continue to screw your life up, because that’s the person I am. Someone who always brings you down.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” she says, tears forming in her eyes.

All I want to do is go over and protect her from this pain. But I have to keep pushing forward. I can't hold back now.

“She said you were inside and sent her out to tell me that. And that she would remind you every day how much of a lowlife I was.”

“I’ve never thought of you like that, Xander. You know that. No matter what anyone says.” A stray tear slides down her cheek.

I go to the bed and sit beside her, holding her hand to comfort her because if I touch her any other way, I’ll be distracted and won’t continue to open up.

“I wasn't aware of that, Poppy. I didn’t want you to think of me like everyone else did, as a lowlife. Not you. I thought it would be better if I left, so you’d never see it.”

I thread my fingers through hers and stare at our joined hands.

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