Page 75 of Five Summers

I’m aware that he occasionally acts this way, but tonight it caught me off guard. It hasn’t happened since the time we had sex on my car. I have no clue what triggered it.

Lately, though, I’ve noticed a change in our sexual encounters compared to how they were at the beginning. I understand that it’s purely physical for him, but sometimes I get the sense that there might be something more going on. He has never said anything to suggest otherwise, but I can see itin the way he is with me. The way he gazes at me during sex makes me feel like I’m the most beautiful person in his eyes. It’s a confidence boost for me to explore my sexuality. However, I can’t allow myself to entertain the idea that it could be more than just sex because it would shatter me if I let myself believe that. Plus, in just five weeks, he’ll be leaving anyway. So, why should I entertain these thoughts and only end up hurting myself more when the day comes for him to leave?

I get out of bed and carefully tug the fitted sheet back on the edge of the mattress. It’s the first time I’ve ever done this. It’s not that Xander doesn’t always bring me immense pleasure whenever we have sex, because he definitely does. But this time, the intensity was on a whole different level. It felt like electricity coursing through my entire being, and when he bit into my shoulder, it only heightened the already exquisite sensation that surged through me.

Once I’ve tidied up the bed, I make my way across the room to pick up the bra, panties, and shirt that Xander carelessly threw when he undressed me. Tossing them into the dirty clothes hamper, I steal a quick glance at the clock. It’s only nine-thirty, and I can’t help but wonder what Xander is up to right now. I know he won’t go home just yet. He’s told me a few more stories of his dad over the last few weeks, so I know he rarely goes inside the house before eleven-thirty.

With my hair tied up in a messy knot, I head straight to the shower.

I’m awake before the sun rises the next morning, unable to sleep due to constant thoughts about what I may have done wrong for Xander to leave. Maybe I didn't do anything wrong, or maybe he had something else going on. Who knows, he’s been acting a bit odd lately. However, last night felt different, not like our usual encounters. Maybe he’s growing tired of our casual flings and wants to return to hooking up with random people. I really hope not. It would be difficult for my heart to handle seeing him with Jade or Savannah again. I like being the only girl he’s been with lately. That might be why he's been acting so weird. Maybe he wants more than just me.

After getting dressed and making sure I choose one of the skirts I know Xander loves, I make my way to the kitchen to have breakfast. As I eat, I repeatedly glance at my phone, fighting the powerful urge to send a text to Xander. Each time I’m about to give in, I quickly place my phone face down on the table and then resume eating my cereal.

The cycle repeats so frequently that I’m tempted to fling my phone across the room.

As I finish washing my bowl and place it in the dishwasher, my primary goal is to leave before my mother returns home. However, my efforts prove futile when I hear her entering the house. I'm super annoyed, cursing myself for not leaving sooner. I really don’t want to endure another lecture about my plans for next year. If only I hadn’t been so distracted by my phone, I could have made my escape sooner. While my attention is on the dishwasher, I hear her keys dropping into the bowl near the front door.

Closing the dishwasher, I fix the dish towel that I left on the counter, putting it back where it belongs.

As she enters the room, I sneak a glance at her before turning to grab my bag from the couch. Feeling her eyes on me, I sling the bag over my shoulder and get ready to leave.

“Poppy,” she interjects, “please, just stop.”

I come to a halt, but I don’t turn around to face her. “I don’t want to argue, Mom.”

“Neither do I,” she replies.

Finally, I turn towards her and notice her leaning against the back of the couch.

“All I ask is that you consider your actions,” she says.

And there it is. It's the same old topic she always ends up talking about.

“Why can’t you just be happy for me? Let me pursue what I want instead of trying to force me into something I don’t want to do.”

She gazes at me, a brief moment of silence passing between us.

“I see a lot of your dad in you, and it frightens me.”

It’s the first time she has mentioned my dad without belittling him or calling him worthless. I stay silent, curious about where this conversation is heading.

“I genuinely want you to be happy. It’s just I don’t want you to go into music.”

And just like that, she’s back to telling me that I’m wasting my life by pursuing my passion for music. She fails to understand that it’s not the same as what my dad did. I have no desire to join a band. All I truly want is to use music to help children, especially those who are trapped in their bodies and unable to communicate. I want to provide them with a connection to something, anything, that allows them to express themselves. Without saying a word, I turn and head towards the door, completely disregarding her voice as she calls out to me.

When I arrive at school, I’m still seething with anger. I park my beat-up green shitbox of a car in its usual spot and turn off the engine. Retrieving my bag from the back seat where I had angrily tossed it earlier, I make sure to lock the car, just in casesomeone like Jade or the other mean girls decide to play a prank on me. I wouldn't put it past them to pull a prank like hiding a smelly fish or doing something else awful just for laughs.

As I make my way to my usual spot, where I like to read and lean against the brick wall, I spot Xander sitting beside Ace in their usual spot. When he notices me, he quickly looks away. It’s different from our usual morning interaction of exchanging long glances. There’s definitely something going on with him.

I place my bag down gently on the soft grass, taking a seat. With a sense of anticipation, I begin to search through my bag, my goal being to find my e-reader.

After a brief moment, I finally locate it. Leaning comfortably against the sturdy brick wall, I pause before turning it on. As I lift my head, I catch his gaze once again on me. And just like before, he quickly glances away. What the hell? Confusion floods my mind. What is happening with him? It feels reminiscent of when he manipulated me into giving him that first blow job. Why can’t he bring himself to look at me now, especially after all the hot, wild sex we’ve shared? I believed he was enjoying it as much as I was. Was I mistaken?

I try to push the thoughts out of my head and focus on my e-reader, but I find myself going back over each line I read because I can’t concentrate. Feeling frustrated, I tuck my e-reader back into my bag and look up. This time I see that Xander has turned around in his seat, his back facing me, like he doesn’t want to look at me, but I can tell he’s engaged in a conversation with Ace based on how Ace is interacting with him.

Jade and her friends make their way over to where Xander is seated. I notice Jade inching closer to him, but not before she shoots a glance in my direction. It’s obvious she knows I’m watching. She deliberately runs a finger down Xander’s black t-shirt, catching his attention. Leaning in close to his ear, she whispers something to him. The sight of her touching him andhaving his undivided attention fills me with a painful wave of jealousy. I know what comes next, as I’ve observed him closely over the years. They both get up and leave together. My heart aches as I anxiously wait for them to rise from their seats. Why did I think he would never reconnect with her? My heart pounds with anticipation as I sit there, observing their interaction.

But to my surprise, Xander abruptly retreats and forcefully pushes her away.

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