Page 124 of Bound By Darkness

Ivan chuckled, filling the place with a bit more warmth. “I guess I don’t have to ask how lessons are going.”

A loud groan left my lips as my head rested on my hands. “It’s absolute torture. I feel like I’ve spilled all of my secrets to her in exchange for basic knowledge I won’t ever need.”

“I did try to warn you.”

My eyes narrowed. “When are you going to let it go?”

“When you realize what you did was stupid,” he answered as he grabbed the book beside me.

“It wasn’t stupid.”

“Giving up your freedom wasn’t stupid? What if she decides to postpone us searching for the Book of Spells? What are you going to do then when the curse continues to spread, and you have no answers to offer?”

My lips pursed together. Logical Ivan infuriated me because I knew he was right. I’d messed up, even if I wouldn’t tell him. “She won’t deny us looking for the Book of Spells. I met with her and she wants it for herself.”

“She wants it herself? What for?”

“She wants it to end the war. To turn the tide against the rebels and King Hywell, but everything she’s said about it sounds dangerous. I don’t think it should be given to her, let alone anyone else. I think… I think it’s best we return it to your Uncle.”

“You might be right,” he said. “Iyanna’s always been…hungryfor power. Did she mention when we can leave to search for the Book? This war isn’t going to lessen in our absence.”

“Yes and no,” I stated. “She said King Hywell is searching for me, his men everywhere. It’s not safe for me… for us to leave this camp while the entire Kingdom is on high alert.”

“But if we continue to postpone looking for Asa and the Book, what happens to Cethales? What happens to you? To your casting, the curse?”

“I don’t know,” I whispered, my hands clenching. I didn’t know what would happen, but I knew for certain that if we leaved, it would endanger them all. My secrets for their lives? The trade seemed disproportionate… stupid.

His arm wrapped around my shoulder, hauling me beside him. The close proximity was welcoming as I leaned into the frail space between us—whateveruswas. Heat seeped into my side, comforting me in a way I was growing used to as I let out a breath.

“We’ll figure it out.” His hand pressed into my chin, dragging my eyes to that silver I craved. “How is everything else besides the deals with Iyanna? How are you feeling? How are you doing, Thalia?” he asked after a moment of silence.

“How am I doing?” I didn’t know how to answer. When was the last time I’d had a second to process everything?

He gave a nod, his eyes softening as he waited for my answer, his hand lingering against the soft space below my ear.

“I don’t know,” I whispered, his touch grounding me the way the sea waves in Laias had as his thumb brushed against my neck. “I don’t think I’ve had time to process everything that’s happened since the library. Hells, since arriving here.”

“Then tell me what you’re feeling,” he said. “I crave the moments you talk to me. When that facade you hide behind withers to nothing.”

My teeth scrapped against the inside of my cheek. There was no hiding around him. He’d been able to read me since the moment we met. “It’s dark and dangerous behind the mask,” I said softly, my eyes staring into his.

“I swallowed the dark twice for you,” he whispered as he leaned close. “I think I can handle a bit more.”

My lips quivered. “What if you get swallowed? What if… what if I lose someone else? What if I lose you?” I breathed, my blood heating as I spoke the truths I’d hidden from him… from myself, because to wish for him? To wish for whatever was happening between us?

His thumb traced the edges of my lips, my breath hitching as that remaining space between us dwindled to nothing. “When are you going to stop letting fear ruin your life? Hasn’t its hold caused you enough suffering?” he asked. “When are you going to state what you want—to act upon something despite the consequences that might occur? You tear yourself apart for everyone else.”

“It’s frightening.” I muttered, my eyes flicking to the branches. “How do I let go? How do I... how do I—” A groan left my lips as I struggled to express everything I was feeling.There was so much turmoil residing in my heart, so much dread I wasn’t sure how to state.

I wanted—“When you first rescued me, all I wanted was freedom, but I would have given it up for Moria,” I finally blurted.

“I’m… not following.” His brows furrowed as his thumb paused.

I blew out a breath. “I gave it up when you proposed the deal, and once again when searching for the truth behind my casting.” I paused. “What… what I’m trying to say istruefreedom was never really something I wanted. I thought I needed it to be content. But as I traveled with Fin and you, I discovered I’d give it up every single time if it meant I wasn’t alone.”

Tears pricked my eyes, but I shoved them back. “I guess… I guess what I’m trying to tell you is that I’ve always wanted to matter to someone to stop the loneliness I feel inside,” I whispered. “It’s why I made the blood oath with Iyanna to protect everyone I care for. To protect you.”

A weight lifted from my heart as I spoke the words I’d come to realize along the journey. I never really wanted true freedom. I wanted someone to want me. I wanted friends. I wanted this… this lonely feeling to dissipate.

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