Page 72 of Pandion

“What do you mean? What did you do?”

“It’s not what I did, but what I should have done. They told me to get re-evaluated after what happened, and I did go to the first appointment…”

“Aren’t those mandatory, though? The doctor has to sign you off as fit before you can get a new link.”

“Yeah, you’d think that. Anyway, I was not in a good headspace, and I’m barely functional when I am, so I skipped the rest, even though I knew I shouldn’t. That stuff’s there for a reason. I think this must have rubbed off on you from me. The silence… The dampening gives me major anxiety. It’s less of an issue now that you taught me to do it properly, and when it’s me doing it, but…” He stopped tapping and grabbed a tight hold of the handrail. “That shit fucks me right up.”

Harumine hadn’t realised it was that bad. Yet another thing he’d somehow missed. He wasn’t entirely convinced this was what had caused his own freak-out, but it was possible he could have picked up on the mood at some point.

Then again, he hadn’t figured out what had bothered Kagesawa all day today even when it had been constantly weighing on his mind. What were the chances of him picking it up when he wasn’t even aware of it? Unless being subtly exposed to it unawares for a long period of time made that big of a difference…

“It’s a trust issue, isn’t it?” Kagesawa summarised. “It is for me at least. When the link is there, the longer it’s there, the more used to it I become. I can check how you’re feeling, and I don’t have to wonder or worry about it. And sure, I can’t know what other people not linked to me are feeling or thinking, but I don’t have to trust them the same way. They can’t hurt me the same way you might, and I’m attached to you 24/7. When you stop to think about it, that’s a really scary, unhealthy place to be.”

Harumine had never considered being linked to someone a threat to his health and safety. He knew there were certain risks and his ethics classes had brushed on some of the relevant topics. There were rules in place and a reporting system for reporting inappropriate behaviour as you would any other crime toward your person.

The key difference was probably that Harumine had never had to use that reporting system. Now that he thought about it, he did feel a little less secure about being linked than he had when they’d first met, and it had nothing to do with him fearing for his safety with Kagesawa.

Even if it turned out that Kagesawa had lied to him about something huge and betrayed his trust, he was fairly confident he was capable of handling it. So where was this weird, vague sense of dread coming from?

The link was silent. It should have been a neutral experience, yet if he paid attention to it for too long, he felt like he might have a panic attack.

“Oh, f— You might be right. Why’s it this scary? You wouldn’t do anything to me, right?”

“Well…” Kagesawa seemed to be debating with himself about it. “Not in the sense you’re referring to.”

“I don’t want to know where your mind leapt to just now.”

“Right, sure, well, remember when you asked me about Shimizu? You wanted to know what he did.”

Harumine nodded.

“I couldn’t put it into words back then and to tell you the truth, it’s still not easy, but since it’s relevant…” Kagesawa took a deep breath. “Imagine someone prying your deepest, darkest secrets and worst memories and regurgitating them back to you when you least expect it. Be linked to someone who you know will ruthlessly exploit every weakness you have. Then have him kill the link day in and day out to leave you festering in that silence, to suddenly throw something through when you least expect it. There’s nothing you can do about it because they will deny everything and say you’ve lost your mind. And I don’t know, I’ll never know, maybe I am insane. But I haven’t had anything like that happen with you until the morning routine—” Kagesawa’s voice cracked and he swallowed. “Hell, maybe I caused Shimizu to lose his licence when he was actually telling the truth.” It wasn’t much more than a whisper. He turned to look at Harumine. “I don’t know how to fix that. I can’t tell if he actually did something or if it was just me. I also couldn’t do anything about it even if I wanted to because Takazaki was the one to report it in. It’s all under his name due to some technicality.” He sounded like he knew this from experience. Had he tried to retract the report?

“Anyway, whether it happened or not, the silence freaks me out. It’s done that ever since Seimei… and whatever happened in between has only made it worse.”

“I’m sorry.”

“What are you sorry for? I’m the one that should apologise. And I didn’t tell you this to milk for sympathy. It’s more so you know you have everything you need to crush me if you ever need to.”

Harumine felt chills. He’d felt that trust when he’d had his hands on Kagesawa’s throat only moments ago, but hearing him reiterate it in this way made Harumine’s heart beat faster. It was like the man was offering his soul to Harumine to do as he pleased. How was this not an indirect but blatant love confession? Was he reading this all wrong? It had sounded like one. Was it OK to take it as such?

Wait, what? What was he even thinking? Did he really want to have that sort of relationship with Kagesawa? And to think he’d only just thought of himself as self-aware! He’d been aiming at this for quite a while now, and vehemently at that, and yet he’d not stopped once to consider what he was doing.

“What? Do you need something more? What else do you need? I think I’ve told you everything.” Kagesawa paused to think it over. “Oh, right, there is one more thing.”

“Oh?” Harumine wasn’t after anything more, but since he was offering…

“I suppose you’ve pieced it together, but I did have a one-sided infatuation with Seimei. He humoured me, and we gave it a try, but that was the extent of it. He remained my closest, dearest friend until the very end. As for how he died, I—” He took a deep breath. “I was not entirely blameless.”

Harumine didn’t know how to respond to that. Asking for the details seemed justified, but the matter seemed too painful to beintentional. Even if Kagesawa had been involved, it had to have been an accident.

None of this was a love confession. The notion was ridiculous. It was a response to the trauma that Kagesawa didn’t want to relive.

“I don’t necessarily need to know,” Harumine said.

“Yes, you do. If you ever feel like you’re driven into a corner, and the choice is between me and you, I don’t need another sacrifice in my name. I need you to promise me you’ll take care of yourself first.” He grabbed Harumine by the hand and leaned in closer. “Promise me.”

“I…” Harumine hesitated. He didn’t want to promise something like that. He wasn’t sure whether, if it came down to it, he’d value Kagesawa’s life over his own, but the thought of actively making the choice to save himself and let Kagesawa die… He never wanted to be in that position in the first place. “Fuck.”

---