Page 16 of Pandion

“I would, but…”Are you sure you’re all right? Do you need to talk about it?

There were undeniable perks to having a well-functioning link, but it also had some major drawbacks. Being forced to share things was one. Most people didn’t take too kindly to being force-fed trauma as continuous background noise, so Kagesawahad tried to deal with his own as swiftly as possible. It just wouldn’t go away, and it was getting exhausting having to mask it. He climbed back into bed, too tired to do anything about the shoulder, hoping it wasn’t going to disturb Satoru.

“You can stop projecting,” Kagesawa said. It was a touching gesture, but the more trouble he caused, the sooner people lost patience and got fed up with him.

Satoru stopped but did so gradually. “What did he do?” he asked.

Kagesawa swallowed. With some imagination and resentment, there were quite a few disturbing things one could do with a link. He shook his head.

“I don’t…” He tried his best to put it to words but repeatedly found himself staring ahead, mind blank. How could he explain when he couldn’t even bring himself to think about it? If he did, he feared he would panic from knowing he was still linked to another person. It didn’t matter who it was. The sensation made his skin crawl.

“Why did you get linked if you didn’t even want to? It’s not like you need the money.”

It was a fair question. Kagesawa exhaled heavily. “I’m sorry,” was all he could say.

“Kagesawa…” Satoru waited until Kagesawa turned to look. “It’s not the same reason you have credit chips lying around the house, is it?”

Kagesawa’s heart sank. The silence that followed was suffocating. This was one of the ways it started. It always ended more or less the same.

“It would help if you could put it into words. It’s a little difficult to suss through the link. Your projection skills are appalling.”

“I’m not projecting.”

“No? How loud are your thoughts? I keep hearing bits and pieces.”

“I think I’ve said it before, but there’s something wrong with this link. It’s too good. You’re too good.” And I still can’t shut him out. I can’t run, I can’t hide, I can do nothing. Kagesawa’s palms started to sweat.

“Calm down, you’re spreading it to me, and I want to be able to sleep once we’re done with this.”

“Telling me to calm down is not going to help me calm down.”

Kagesawa tried his breathing exercises, but his mind was starting to race. Why was it like this? Why did they pair him up with Satoru? Why did it feel like someone kept trying to pound through with more and more force? It had never been like this before! Not even with Seimei… not…

“Stop it!” Satoru grabbed him by the hand. “I can’t process all that in one go. Stop freaking out.” As he said this, he offered some of his own mental calm through the link. “Better?”

“Yes.” It was a safety blanket. His own mess of emotions was still there, but it wasn’t quite as overwhelming.

“D’you think you could open up a bit more so I can make sense of this? I can tell it’s deeply personal, and I get that you don’t want to share, but despite what you may think, I’d like this to work out.”

“I don’t know if I can trust you.”

“We’re linked. Does it feel like I’m untrustworthy?”

“No.” Kagesawa paused to think. “But… if I tell you, you’ll leave.”

“Is it really that bad?” Satoru frowned.

“You’ve seen my transcript. You’re number ten. Out of the nine before you, eight thought it was intolerable, and the one remaining didn’t care so long as I did as told until he retired. One way or another, it’s bad. Forgive me if I’m not too optimistic.”

“What did you do to try to solve it?”

“I keep it to myself, try not to be like this…”

“I mean the collective you. Didn’t they help you out in any way?”

“Yeah, sure, they start out trying to be patient and give me time.” At this, Satoru snorted. “What’s so funny?” Kagesawa asked.

“No, it’s not funny at all. I can’t pretend I’m much better. After all, I’ve been an ass toward you myself, but at least I have some semblance of self-awareness.” Satoru paused to sit up and pulled Kagesawa along. Kagesawa didn’t resist. “Sounds pretty shitty of them to leave you to deal with it alone.”

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