Page 99 of Fix You

With a nod, I replied, “I can do that. It’s just…”

“What, Maeve?”

“There’s a part of me that thinks my desire is wrong because of my rape.”

“How so?”

Oh God, was I really going to voice my newest fear to her? Although we’d talked openly about every facet of my rape, this seemed different. Since she always wanted my honesty, I replied, “I’m afraid you’ll judge me.”

Her eyes widened. “Maeve, you know this is a judgment free zone.”

With a huff of frustration, I replied, “Yes, I do. But it’s just hard.”

“Victims of rape and assault desire and enjoy all types of kink. Some kinds others would find very dark and troubling for themselves to participate in, but to others, it’s a balm for their wounded parts. There is no right or wrong. And anyone who tells you that is misguided and misinformed.”

I allowed Dr. Leighton’s words to percolate in my mind. My kink could be healing, not harmful. It didn’t make it dirty orperverted to desire it. After drawing in a ragged breath, I said, “I really want to watch others have sex.”

“That seems perfectly normal.”

“But I also want them to watch me have sex.”

Dr. Leighton eyed me curiously. When I first started coming to her, the long eye focus made my skin crawl. But I’d learn now that she was processing what I said. “You think it’s perverse because during your rape, you had an audience.”

My heartbeat accelerated at her declaration–the very one that had been churning in me since before Rafe and I had even had sex. “Yes,” I whispered.

She shook her head. “It isn’t a perverse desire. It is a way for you to take control of your sexuality. You’reallowingpeople to watch you–not having it forced upon you.”

“So, it’s really not bad?”

She smiled. “No, it’s not.”

“Wow,” I murmured.

Now if you told me you wanted to force people to watch you, that would be an entirely different conversation. Or I should say conversations.”

A nervous laugh bubbled from my lips. “Okay.”

“Do you have a plan in mind on how to enact this fantasy?”

“Rafe owns a sex club.”

It took a lot to shock her, but that statement succeeded in shocking Dr. Leighton. “Oh, I see.”

Her expression gave me a much needed laugh. “I was surprised when I first found at as well.”

“I can imagine.”

“This weekend we’re supposed to be doing romantic things like going to the opera and on a carriage ride through Central Park. But I kind of wanted to surprise him by arriving on Friday…at his club.”

“What emotions does that scenario bring you?”

I nibbled on my bottom lip. “Excitement is the first thing that comes to mind. And then lots of desire.” But then those emotions were overshadowed by a looming dark one. Shifting in my chair, I said, “If I’m honest with myself, there’s fear. Lots of fear.”

“About Rafe not wanting to partake?”

With a shake of my head, I replied, “I’m afraid something will trigger me, and I’ll let him down.”

“From what you’ve told me of him, there’s no way you could ever let him down. He has been patient and understanding in the past. I’m sure he will be this time as well.”

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