Page 20 of Fix You

It was only here among our family and friends that I felt like a pariah. To them I wasn’t a successful third-year university student with a bright future in accounting.

Instead, I was that poor girl whose own father demanded her brothers to hold her down during her assault.

Even if I somehow managed to discover the fucking cure for cancer, I would always be seen as the girl who got raped..

Maeve Kavanaugh was no longer the envied clan princess. Once she was something rare and beautiful who had been broken beyond repair. Whoever I once was had been ripped as viciously from me as my virginity.

Closing my eyes, I inhaled a deep breath while visualizing the ocean. It was a technique my therapist had taught me for when situations overwhelmed me. Over the past year, Dr. Leighton had given me far more than techniques—she had saved my life.

Although my friends and my brothers had tried desperately to get me to talk to them, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. At first, I’d reasoned that I didn’t want to be a burden to them. Then I thought it was about not wanting to see my pain cause them pain. But then I finally realized why I kept my pain to myself.

They couldn’t comprehend the horrors of my rape because they hadn’t experienced it. Kellan and Eamon came closest to my pain but didn't experience the physical and emotional violation I did.

The only person who came close enough to understand was Mam.

She’d endured years of my father demanding his marital rights. If there was anyone who could understand my trauma, it was her. But to my utter surprise, she had looked me in theeyes and said, “While the images I have in my mind of what you endured are unimaginable, I won’t ask you to tell me about it. Not now. Not yet. Until then, I want you to do for yourself what I should have all those years ago.”

In a grave voice, she’d commanded, “Speak to a professional.”

It was almost like Mam had willed Dr. Leighton into existence because she appeared just minutes later. But I wasn’t having it. After refusing three times to talk to her, she’d finally asked Mam to leave us. Maybe it was her persistence that made me nod to Mam that it was okay to go.

Once we were alone, Dr. Leighton told me of being raped by her father from the age of ten until she’d been taken away by the authorities when she had a miscarriage at twelve.

Our shared trauma united us while her life experience and medical expertise helped me to cope with life post-assault.

“It’s as cliché as it sounds, but go to your happy place,” she would instruct. Thousands of miles from her, I could hear her voice so clearly. I forced air in and out of my lungs, I imagined cool waves lapping against my ankles while a salty smell tinged my nose.

At the feel of a hand on my thigh, my eyes snapped open. When I cut my gaze to my right, Mam’s concerned eyes met mine. “Are you okay,Róisín?”

Even at twenty-two, Mam continued to use my childhood nickname in Irish, which meant “little rose”.

“All the eyes….” After swallowing hard, I whispered, “All the eyes on me.”

Eamon ducked his head, staring down at his hands. He still couldn’t bring himself to talk about that night with me, and whenever my rape was alluded to or my mental state, he couldn’t look me in the eyes. I couldn’t fault him for his feelings. He was only sixteen and dealing with his own turmoil.

Mam gave me a reassuring smile. “Callum will understand if you feel like you can’t be around everyone. You can slip in the backdoor and be up the backstairs before anyone notices.”

With a shake of my head, I countered, “Then everyone will say I’m hiding.”

Jerking his gaze up to mine, Eamon’s expression was menacing. “Anyone dares to say a fucking wordtoyou orabout you, and they’ll answer to me and the boys.”

For what he couldn’t put into words, he put into violence. “That won’t be necessary.”

“I mean it, Mae. One fucker looks at you wrong, and he’s getting it.”

“Eamon,” Mam chided. Even though her sons were all involved in the underworld, Mam hated it when they cursed.

When Nolan opened the car door, I cringed. Mam reached forward to squeeze my hand. “You take all the time you need.”

“Thanks, Mam.”

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go give your ejit of a brother a piece of my mind.”

Chuckling Eamon replied, “I have a feeling she’s going to give him a piece of herhandupside his head.”

I laughed. “I can’t say he doesn’t deserve it.”

Before exiting the car, I clipped on Murphy’s leash. By walking him, I would at least look like I had a purpose for not going immediately inside. Nolan extended his hand to help me out, but I shook my head at him. In the last year, I hadn’t allowed anyone outside of my family, including bodyguards, to touch me. Despite my constant refusal, Nolan and others still tried.

---