Page 140 of Aching for His Discretion

It was quiet. Neither of us spoke first, and the silence felt a bit uncomfortable. If it were any other day, I would have simply left to avoid this kind of situation, but because he was hurt, because he was my brother, I stayed.

“You should’ve just let me die,” he muttered, and I gulped softly as I did my best to keep my emotions regulated.

“How could I?” I whispered, and he shook his head.

“Because I deserve it,” was all he said, and I approached the bed slowly.

“No one deserves to die, Declan.”

He remained silent once again, and I stood at the foot of his bed. He didn’t turn his head to look at me. It was almost as if he couldn’t face me. Call it déjà vu, but I recalled Dakota doing much of the same when he was apologizing to me a few years back.

“Why?” he began, and I responded,

“Why what?”

“Why do you, of all people, believe that I deserve to live? The sister I tormented, berated…hurt.”

“People can make mistakes,” I whispered, and he shook his head.

“What I did to you wasn’t amistake. I made you suffer to make myself feel better about my own fucked-up life. For the last two years, I haven’t been able to look in the mirror. Not when all that stares back is a bitter, fucked-up version of myself that does nothing but hurt the people I’m supposed to love and take care of.”

“You have to try to forgive yourself, Declan. It’s the only way—” I began and flinched slightly when he looked over to me abruptly and seethed.

“Why does it fucking matter? What good is it going to be?How can I forgive myself when I can’t imagine in a million years that you would ever forgive me?!” he almost yelled, and my heart swelled as his eyes, which were once void of emotion as they were averted and stared off into the distance, were now red and filled with angry tears as he glared at me.

“Declan.”

“Just go. I don’t want your sympathy,” he said, looking away from me again, and I shook my head.

“I’m not here to offer you sympathy. I’m here because you’re my older brother, you almost died, and I love you.”

“Love won’t fix anything. I couldn’t even protect you from that bastard. Don’t you see how pathetic that is?”

“It’s not your fault…” I whispered, and he scoffed as tears began falling from his eyes.

“It’s not my fault? Teegan, we wouldn’t be here if I didn’t give up what he asked for. I should’ve tried harder to keep you safe.”

“You think my safety is more important than you being alive? He would have killed you,” I whispered, and he shook his head.

“He should’ve. I had no reason left to live anyway,” he muttered.

I tried to force back the sobs that ached to escape my chest. His eyes were empty, as if his soul had left them, and for the first time, I could see his eyes holding genuine regret and remorse.

Stepping closer, I took a seat on the edge of the bed as he looked away.

“I told you to go,” he said angrily, and I remained silent as I slowly placed my hand in his. Much like Dakota did, once again, he cowered away from me. It was almost as if I was the big sister at the moment, though I didn’t quite mind it.

The longer I held his hand, the more he slowly started to lose the tension in his shoulders as he cried. I remained as strong as I could, watching the older brother I once knew as an erratic man turn into a much more emotional and fragile boy.

I had no reason left to live anyway.

Rubbing the back of his calloused hand softly, I wiped away my tears. “I have someone I want you to meet,” I said softly, but he said nothing as I stood up, letting go of his hand as I walked over to the door.

Upon opening it, I was met with a concerned Levi, who seemed ready to intervene at any moment.

With teary eyes, I held a finger up to him to give us a moment and picked up Silas as he babbled softly. Walking into the room once again, I went over to the bedside and sat once again as Declan’s eyes remained trained on my baby.

“This is Silas,” I whispered with tears in my eyes. Silas babbled as he played with his fingers, and Declan sniffled softly while he spoke.

---