Page 123 of Aching for His Discretion

“Are you guys going to bicker like this forever?” I asked, and the two of them huffed like five-year-olds but agreed they’d keep it friendly.

Micah entered the room shortly after, eating one of my mother’s homemade cookies.

“These are pretty good, you know,” he said as we all stared at him, confused by his intrusion, but we laughed him off as he took another bite.

My mother was in the kitchen finishing the last of tonight’s dinner, and we sat in the living room watching a cheesyHallmark movie she put on after she kicked us out of the kitchen when we finished helping. I was cuddled up by Levi, who seemed more invested in looking at me than worrying about the movie.

I did my best to make him focus on the movie regarding the ranch guy and the businesswoman from the big city, but he was more concerned with making me giggle from the small whispers that he hid from everyone, thankfully.

We heard a key opening the front door, and I assumed it was my father coming back from being outside when the person who came in made me sit up. It was Dakota.

My oldest brother had come home, and after locking the door behind him, he made direct eye contact with me but remained silent. I hadn’t seen him in two whole years, and he looked completely different.

He made his way to the kitchen without acknowledging us in the living room, and I furrowed my eyebrows as I watched his back as he walked. Levi rubbed my shoulder comfortingly as Elliot lowered the sound of the movie. I could tell their eyes were on me as I stood slowly.

“Teegs…” Abbie said with a hint of concern and sadness in her voice, and I gave them all a sad smile before I looked back over to the entrance of the kitchen.

“I’ll be right back,” I said.

Levi’s hand lingered on my arm for a moment before I kissed his hair and gave his hand a small squeeze before making my way over to the kitchen.

I rubbed my hands together nervously as I pulled on my sleeves, and I was met with my older brother running his hand through his hair as my father stood before me with his arms crossed, looking disappointed. In a somewhat similar disapproving fashion, my mother was silent, quietly setting the table with the food she’d cooked for us.

Dakota looked over at me and sighed before speaking. “Teegan, can we talk?” he asked, and I made eye contact with my father, who seemed to be waiting for my answer, presumably ready to keep the peace as best as he could. Nonetheless, I nodded, pushing a piece of hair behind my ear.

“We can,” I whispered, and he nodded as he walked towards my father’s office so we could have a bit of privacy. I paused for a moment, only to feel my mother placing a small kiss on my cheek as she rubbed my back, and my father putting his hand on my shoulder as if to give me the courage to go.

Slowly, I walked over to the office and made eye contact with Levi, who was still very concerned. I gave him a look of reassurance before I entered the office and closed the door behind me.

It was silent. He was leaning on my father’s desk, hands rested on the edge semi-nervously, and his head was down.

“Teegan...” he began but paused for a moment, trying to formulate his words. However, I listened intently.

“I... We have always been jealous of you,” was how he began, and I furrowed my eyebrows slightly. “Father... was in the same kind of business Levi was in. Like idiots, we wanted to do the same when we were teenagers, and because he was growing older, he decided to step down and hand some of the responsibilities to us while he took care of you and Mom.”

I stared at him, dumbfounded as the new information tried to process in my brain.Was Papa in a gang? Has he killed people before? Have my brothers killed people before?

“The time you spent with our parents made us, especially Declan, envy your relationship with them. When you got the chance to go to college, to go to medical school, to pursue your dreams, we began to resent you even more, “ he said truthfully.

I approached him slowly, as he could barely look me in the eyes.

“Dakota…” I said softly, and he shook his head as I was only a few inches away from him.

“I don’t deserve your forgiveness, and I’m not going to ask for it. But I just wanted to let you know how much you actually mean to me and how sorry I am for putting you through everything over the years. I couldn’t accept that you were able to have opportunities we didn’t, and I used it against you to hurt you.” He whispered the last part, and I didn’t say anything.

It looked almost as if he wanted to cower away from me, afraid of what I’d say or how I’d react. I felt a bit of déjà vu with how Levi apologized, giving me the control to accept or decline his attempt. Slowly, nonetheless, I wrapped my arms around his neck as I pulled him into a hug.

He didn’t move as his chin rested on my shoulder. It felt different. The last time I’d given him a hug was probably when I was ten. Hugging him now, my heart felt heavy as I could feel all the emotion he’d been harboring. Though he was our older brother, I knew Declan had the upper hand, as his temper controlled everything and everyone around him. Dakota was no exception.

“I should’ve been the older brother you needed. I should have never let Declan—” he started, and I shushed him softly as he finally wrapped his arms around me and let out a small sob into my shoulder. I bit my lip as I tried to hold back my own tears as he held me close, afraid I’d let him go.

“It’s okay… it’s okay,” I whispered, and he shook his head.

“It’s not. You shouldn’t forgive me. I tried to control you, I let him demean you, I didn’t want you to be happy for my own selfish jealousy of you,” he practically sobbed, and I sighed as I let him cry.

It felt sudden, and I was slowly starting to feel overwhelmed. I was already doing my best to make amends with Levi, thoughmaking amends with Dakota was definitely not on my Christmas list. I had wished for this moment forever.

I longed for the relationship of my siblings once again, and though I had the guys and the girls anxiously waiting for me in the living room, the hole Dakota and Declan left was never quite filled. I just learned to accept that I wasn’t good enough in their eyes and left it at that.

---