Page 76 of A Wolf in the Garden

“No.”

“You’re not a freak, Ellie. You aren’t entirely human, but that does not make you a freak. There are over three billion non-humans in the First Realm, did you know that? And millions more in this world. None of them are any different than you and I — we’re all people, despite all the differences.”

“I know.”

“Good. I know it’s a shock to see yourself physically change. I felt the same the first time I turned under the full moon. I didn’t think I would find it strange — I’d already been able to shift for a few months at that point — but there’s something more monstrous about that werewolf form that bothered me when I looked in the mirror, and I guess it was also the looks I got from pack members, too. I should have known, back then, that they’d never back me as an alpha, being the werewolf mutt that I am.”

The sound of his voice is soothing in my ear. “They’re idiots. You’re the best alpha.”

He sighs against my neck. “The point is, I knew this would happen to me for years before it did, and it still took some getting used to, so go easy on yourself.”

“I’m scared for other people to see me this way.” I feel hot and cold all at once, and it’s got nothing to do with the bathwater. It’s pure terror in my veins, stress clawing at me from the inside at the realisation that I am once again back at square one, knowingnothingabout myself and my true nature.

Van’s hand rubs comforting circles on my back. “No one else ever needs to see you in this form, but if the time comes that you choose to look like this in public, I will be by your side.”

“Thank you.”

“I know how capable you are, and how you can take care of yourself, but I do love taking care of you, baby. People think being an alpha is all about violence and aggression, but it’s not. It’s about protecting and caring for your people.” He plants another kiss on my shoulder. “You take good care of me too, and I always appreciate it.”

I think back to the other night, to waking to the sound of Van’s wolf howling alone in the night, to the utter despair I’d sensed within him, and the way I’d thrown inhibition to the wind and howled back, calling out to him on instinct.

It’s give and take.

I know I can’t really believe the certainty in his voice today. He’s afraid of what my magic means too, because there is so much unknown around it. But in this moment his assurance is exactly what I need. “I love you,” I whisper. “Thank you.” I run my hands over his back, feeling the strength of him under my fingers, all that muscle and raw power a promise thatI am safe.

“Mmm. Love you too. And for what it’s worth, I think you look fucking badass in this form.”

I shake my head, forgetting the antlers just long enough to catch the edge of Van’s ear. “Only you would say that,” I tell him as he moves his head out of the way with a small smile.

“No. For starters, in the First Realm people know antlers equal fae, so you have that going for you.”

“You’re saying people are going to be scared of me.”

“In a good way.”

“There’s nogood way, Van! I don’t want to bescary!” I feel lighter though, with him talking me through this. I peel slowly back from him, and stand in the tub. The water comes up to my waist, and I wait for it to still.

The reflection isn’t perfect — it’s a tub of water, after all, not a mirror — but as I stare at myself I try to see what he sees. I tuck my hair behind my ears, and with the pointed shape of them, combined with the dark brown branch-antlers, there really is no denying that I am fae.

Van rises to his feet, stepping behind me, peering over my head at our joint reflections. “You look beautiful, Ellie.”

Standing there naked, my breasts exposed to the cool air, I can almost see that I do. If I was looking at someone else, I would absolutely think that about her, that she is some beautiful ethereal creature, someone that looks like they’re one with nature. I’m not quite there with myself — the shock of it is too soon — but maybe it’s not as bad as I initially thought.

“You said you know how to make them go away.”

“Yes. Sit back down, and relax, the same as you did before when you first tapped into your magic.”

“That’s easier said than done,” I grumble, but I do as he says, letting out one more big sigh as I slide back into the water. I close my eyes, smiling briefly as I feel Van reach for my hands.

“Feel for that magic, just as you did before.”

It takes time to clear my mind, to focus on nothing, but once I do, I can feel it.There. Now that I’ve done it once, it seems as if the path to it in my mind is clearer, like muscle memory, I guess.

“You’ve got it,” Van says quietly, the deep rumble of his voice filling me with warmth.

“You can feel this?”

“I can, yes. Now all you have to do is push it back. That’s it. Put it back away.”

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