Page 19 of A Wolf in the Garden

I’m writing this in one go, because if I stop and start, or try to make it neat and tidy, I’m going to talk myself out of this. And there’s things that need to be said, and though I may look like a big bad wolf to some people, I’m really just a coward who’s “a bit shit” (as you would say) at communicating. So my apologies in advance for the mess that’s about to occur.

I’ve had this greenstone, this pounamu, te marama hua — the full moon — for nine years. But it has never belonged to me. It was supposed to be yours. It’s always been yours.

I don’t know if you already own one now, but back then, you didn’t. And I knew you really wanted to be gifted one. I chose the moon design because I had orders not to tell you what I was, but I wanted to include something significant to my wolf culture within my gift for you. Whether I like it or not, the moon has ruled my life since I had my first change at 13, and she will rule me till the day I die.

I had it blessed by a kaumatua that summer. I’d intended to give it to you,but then my sisterbut when Jenny

Jenny’s death destroyed me. It tore me apart. I know you know that. I know Jenny’s death caused you so much grief, too. I know you loved her.

Thank you for loving my baby sister the way you did. You made her New Zealand summers that much better.

I am so, so sorry that I could not see beyond my own pain in that week after Jenny passed. I regret every word I said to you in anger. I wasn’t ever angry atyou. It was the world I wanted to burn.

There are things I want to explain to you — in person, if you will let me — about wolf shifters, packs, and alphas, and how that influenced my behavior at the time. But that does not excuse the words I said.

I am so deeply sorry.

Destroying what was once between us has been, and still is, one of the biggest regrets of my life. I was lying that day, when I said I didn’t love you. I want you to know that.

Seeing you again, here, in this new place where I have chosen to put down roots for my small pack… it feels like it was meant to be. It makes me so incredibly happy to see the success you have created for yourself. When I say I am proud of you… Ellie, I can’t even begin to describe it. You are amazing. And so incredibly brave. I should have known when Cameron was describing you that it wasyou. They all love you here. How could they not?

I know I’m being ridiculously inappropriate when I’ve just hired you for a four month project.

I don’t want you to feel that I am putting any pressure on you in any way. I don’t want you to feel that I have expectations outside of the working relationship we have. I want you to feel comfortable at the vineyard. I’mveryexcited to see you bring those visions of yours to life. I feel very lucky to have secured a talent such as yourself.

But I also I do You have to know

I am glad you are in my life again. So glad. You are sunshine personified.

I am sorry if this pounamu puts you in an awkward situation in regards to its ownership. I kept a box of your stuff, including this greenstone, through every house move and I would be lying if I said it wasn’t a painful reminder of how badly I fucked up. My therapist called it “self-flagellation” when I told her about it and said I should get rid of it, but I couldn’t — it’s beautiful, and it was yours. Itisyours. And I have to admit, all those years of you going on about ‘tapu’ has made me a little superstitious about these things — as I should be if I’m going to live here and get my citizenship and call myself a New Zealander. I couldn’t just toss away something so sacred as this pendant.

Don’t feel like you have to wear it. Gift it to someone else, if you wish. Whatever makes you happy.But I think

I think this pounamu is happy to be home, with you.

I know I am.

Aroha nui ki a koe,

Van.

Five

ELLIE

Te marama hua.The full moon.

I sniffle, another tear rolling down my cheek and dropping onto the letter in my lap, making some of the ink run. “Shit,” I curse quietly, carefully dabbing at the liquid with the edge of the cami I slept in last night. Finding Van’s letter in my letterbox this morning was the last thing I expected when I checked the mail in my pjs. I haven’t moved from my spot under the roses where I stopped to open the envelope that only had a simpleElliewritten on the front, the bold lines of his handwriting immediately familiar.

The only clue as to how long I’ve been sitting here amongst the flowers is the morning sun, now peeking over trees and filling the garden with dappled light. When I stepped outside this morning the sun was still rising, the last few stars winking out one by one in the purple cloudless sky.

Thepounamuhe gifted me is smooth in my hand, perfectly polished and perfectly round, a pale green moon flecked with darker greens and the odd hint of gold.Inanga. It’s one of the rarest forms of greenstone, and I smile again, thinking about the fact that of course, Van had to pick the most expensive option he could.

I’ve never owned apounamupendant myself, though I always wanted one; traditionally you have to be gifted it by someone else, have to have it blessed by akaumatua— a Maori elder — and my lip wobbles again, thinking about how Van knew all of this, how he understood that he needed to get it right, to make ittika. That he also chose something significant to himself when buying it isn’t lost on me, making it even more precious.

I groan, rubbing my swollen eyes with the heels of my hands. “What am I doing?”

My heart aches again at the thought of what could have been between us. Evander Livingston has been one big emotional bruise on my soul for almost a decade now, my inability to truly move on sabotaging every other relationship I ever had. Nobody else has ever feltrightin the way Van did when we were together, and it’s not even shocking to me that now, in the few times I have seen him, there have been moments where I have felt utterly at home and comfortable in his presence despite the way things ended between us. In the days since our meeting at the vineyard, my feelings have been all over the place. At first I was angry at him for upsetting me right at the end when I hadtriedto keep things professional between us, angry at myself for getting so upset over an apology, embarrassed at the way I’d cried, at the words I’d said, and the way I’d fled out of there. But that anger quickly cooled, replaced with understanding.He was trying to do the right thing.

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