Page 42 of Locke

That wasn’t him. That isn’t the Locke I’ve come to know over the months I’ve been back and been with him. He wasn’t there. Someone else was. And it hurt to see him like that. I hurt knowing his demons are still haunting him.

I ran right back inside, right back into his room like a stupid little girl. The same stupid little girl who used to take this shit from Spike. I vowed to myself I wouldn’t do it again. Never again, and here I am, surrounded by his scent, by him. How could I be so dumb? What’s wrong with me? I thought what I found in Locke was different. I thought he was better. Was I wrong?

I shake my head as I walk into the bathroom and look in the mirror. There’s no denying the marks he left on my neck. There’s no covering those up. Tears fall down my cheeks as I look into the mirror in disbelief at what he did. Then I hear the door close and I know it’s him.

“I’ll never change. There’s always gonna be somethin’ that fucks me up, Kiki.”

“You didn’t have to do this,” I tell him as tears continue to spill down my cheeks.

“I know. I shouldn’t have touched you. That’s all on me. I’m sorry, but that isn’t enough, is it? You see him now. You fuckin’ see that piece of shit in me, and there’s nothin’ I can do to change that,” he confesses. “There were so many nights I lie in bed just thinkin’. I made the hell she lived in. I know I did. And now I’m makin’ the same hell for you. I don’t wanna do that, Kiki. Idon’t.” My heart hurts. Not just for him but for us, for what we had going.

“You make your own hell, Locke. There’s nothing I can do to help you with that.”

“I know that. I just …” I cut him off. I raise my hand to stop him. I can’t be here. Not now. I walk past him and out of his room and straight toward mine. Grabbing a bag, I toss some clothes in before dropping onto the edge of the bed and resting my head in my hands. Tears fall down my cheeks as I cry and sob. This was supposed to be better. He was supposed to be better. I can’t go through what I did with Spike again. I won’t.

I give myself a few minutes to cry and get it all out when the door slowly opens, and he steps in. I want to scream at him. I want to yell. I want to take out my frustrations on him, but that would make me no better than he is right now.

“I wanted this to work, Kiki. I really did.”

“It can’t. Not like this.”

“I know that. I need help.”

“Then you need to get help, Locke. This isn’t you. Not the you I know,” I tell him. I see the sadness in his eyes, and I can only hope he’s sincere about this.

“Don’t leave me, Kiki. Not like this.”

“Are you serious? Do you see what you did to me? Look at me, Locke!” I stand to my feet and pull the neck of my shirt so he can see the marks he left on my skin. “This is him. This is something he would do to me, not you, Locke. God, I wanted this to work. I care about you so much already, but I can’t go back. I deservemore than this. I used to sit covered in blood and think, do I deserve this? Was this my fault?”

“It’s not your fault. Never was, Kiki.”

“I would think this is all I deserved. I’m nothing more, nothing less. I was wrong, Locke, and do you know how I knew I was wrong?” I ask him, looking him in the eyes. He doesn’t say a word just stares at me.

“I was wrong because I saw the way you treated me. I saw the goodness in you. I knew then that I deserved better.”

“And I fucked that up.”

“Yeah, you did. You put your hands on me when all I wanted was for you to care about me.”

“I do care, Kiki. You have to believe that.”

“I don’t know anymore. I don’t know what I think.” I grab the bag off the bed and that’s when he notices. He shakes his head and grabs the bag out of my hand and tosses it back onto the bed.

“You can’t leave. You can’t run from this.”

“What do you want me to do? Let my dad and Hodge see this? Is that what you want? You know what they’d do to you.”

“Doesn’t matter. If anyone needs to go, it’s me,” he says softly. It breaks my heart to leave. I don’t want to go, but I know nothing good will come out of me staying.

“You’re needed here for club business. I’m not. I just … I need a break.”

“What about Spike?”

“What about him? I doubt he’s keeping tabs on me. He’s focused on the club now.”

“This isn’t a good idea,” he says. I walk to the bed and grab my bag, tossing it over my shoulder as I head for the door, ignoring him. Locke reaches out and grabs my arm, pulling me into him slightly.

“I’m sorry, Kiki. I do care about you, and this is eatin’ me up inside.”

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