Page 17 of Bratva Knight

Eight months later, Galina gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. I wasn’t the father. The disappointment I’d felt that day had been soul-crushing. It wasn’t until right then that I realised how much I’d been hoping the baby was mine.

It had been a startling surprise. At twenty-one, I wasn’t anywhere near ready to have a child. But to hear that you’re going to become a parent, and then having it snatched away from you…it hurt. A small part of me had also cared for Galina. I easily envisioned a future with her, so her betrayal pissed me off.

Fast forward nine years to the moment that I thought it was happening all over again. To the moment when I’d heard that fucker Kurt claim he’d had sex with Tatiana right around the time she’d fallen pregnant. All those feelings from almost a decade ago had come rushing back. Except this time, they were worse, more explosive. Because, unlike with Galina, I was hopelessly and irrevocably in love with Tatiana. The idea that she’d betrayed me and lied to me had clouded all sense of rationality, making it impossible for me to see what was right in front of my eyes.

“What happened next?” Aleksandr pushed, his hand on my shoulder keeping me grounded, centred.

“Tatiana went to stay with her aunt and uncle for a while. She was pissed off with me for accusing her of cheating and wanted to get away. I was too stubborn and pigheaded to let go of my anger, so I let her go. I tried to find that little fucker Kurt, so I could kill him, but he’d disappeared after the whole ‘warehouse’ incident. Tatiana and I didn’t speak to each other for months. I think she was waiting for me to come to my senses. Or she was just icing me out, like I’d done to her. I’m not sure. Things took a turn for the worst around the time of the Campos job.”

“Delano Campos?” Aleksandr asked, a slight frown on his face. “I remember that job. You and Father arranged a sit down with him to see if he was the one selling guns in Vegas.”

I nodded. Vegas was strictly Bratva territory, which meant if anyone else even tried to sell weapons on our turf, it would cost them their life. We’d been getting reports of other guns being sold on the market, and it took me over two weeks to track down who was responsible.

Delano Campos.

He was small-time, just moved to Vegas from Ireland and was trying to establish himself as an arms dealer, not realising the territory he was trying to claim was already taken—by us. My father and I then organised a meet under false pretences, pretending we were interested in buying from him.

“Tatiana called me when we were at the table,” I said, breathing through the pain of the memory. “I glanced at the screen, saw her name and rejected the call.”

Aleksandr winced.

“When she immediately called back, I switched my phone off. In my mind, I used the excuse that I was too busy dealing with Bratva business to answer her call. But deep down, there was a small part of me that knew it was just because I was still mad. I still hadn’t dealt with my anger. I wanted to punish her, so I ignored her. I sat at that table talking with some wannabe gangster who I wanted nothing more than to disembowel, while the woman I love lay in a hospital bed, crying out for me.”

Guilt, shame and grief all hit me with the force of a freight train. It hurt just as much as it had back then. Maybe more.

“When I eventually turned my phone back on a few hours later, there were over a hundred missed calls and text messages,” I continued, staring off into the distance. “The moment I realised what was going on, I rushed to the hospital. But by the time I got there, it was too late.” Tears formed, rolling down my cheeks. “My—” I sucked in a painful breath, the words I was about to say like a knife through the heart. “My son was gone. He died in the womb. Tatiana had to give birth to him all alone, with no one there to help her, to be there for her. She was holding him in her arms when I finally got there, and the look on her face”—I shook my head—“I’ll never forget it, how broken she looked.”

“Oh, brat.” Oh, brother.Aleksandr embraced me in a hug, providing me comfort that I in no way deserved. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you tellanyone?”

“I couldn’t. After we buried him, Tatiana told me she didn’t want anyone to know, that she just wanted to forget. After what I did, the least I could do was respect her wishes and be there for her in whatever way she needed, since I hadn’t been there for her when it really mattered.”

“But what about you?” he asked, studying me closely. “Who was there foryou? Having to keep all this to yourself…it wasn’t fair.”

I shrugged uncaringly. Itwashard not being able to talk about it with the people I was closest to. Tatiana had left abruptly after the small funeral we’d held for him, and I promised not to say a word about it to anyone.

When she returned six months later, she acted like it never happened. She refused to talk about it, refused to acknowledge the past between us. She kept me at arm’s length, never letting me get too close and giving me her usual plucky attitude, but shrouded in coldness.

“It didn’t matter what I wanted, Zander. All that mattered was Tati.”

My brother looked at me like he wanted to say something but thought better of it, keeping his mouth shut.

“What you saw earlier, that was the first time Tatiana ever spoke to me about that night. About our son. Every other time I’ve tried, she’s ignored me, like I did to her. A sense of payback, I think. One I deserved.”

“Okay, I’ve heard enough,” he said, getting to his feet. He put his hands on his hips, staring me down like a parent about to give a ten-hour lecture. “Now you listen to me, Nikolai Vasili Volkov. No matter what you did or didn’t do, you have suffered enough. Yes, you made a mistake. A big fucking mistake. Butyoulost something too. I can’t even begin to understand how hard it must have been for Tatiana. Not only losing her child, but also still having to give birth to him with no one there for support or comfort. It would have been absolutely devastating for her. But this guilt you’re harbouring? You need to let it go. It wasn’t intentional. If you had even the slightest idea that something was wrong, that Tatiana needed you, you never would have ignored her calls. Anybody with a brain can see how much you care for her, that you would never have abandoned her if you knew.”

I knew he was just trying to help, but his words angered me. He was trying to make me feel better. I didn’tdeserveto feel better. Aleksandr would never understand. He’d never understand what it felt like, knowing you’d let down the woman you love. To have her look at you with dead, cold eyes filled with betrayal, knowingyouwere the reason for it.

It was gut-wrenching. Soul-crushing.

“That’s a little ‘pot calling the kettle black’, isn’t it?” I asked, getting to my feet and standing toe to toe with him.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he frowned.

“It means, how can you stand there and tell me to let go of my guilt when you’ve been carrying yours around for ten years?” I snapped back, referring to our mother.

He thought I didn’t know, but I did. I saw how he blamed himself for what happened to her. It was clear in every action he ever made. In the way he always put us first, never caring about his own wants or needs. In the way he was willing to sacrifice anything and everything to protect us. His life, his happiness. Did he really think I was that fucking ignorant? That I couldn’t see it?

He stared at me with all the focus of a deadly king cobra, not saying a word. Silence descended between us. Guilt started to worm its way into my heart at my words.

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