Page 106 of Bratva Knight

He looked exactly like…me. God, he lookedexactlylike me. The dark hair. The nose. The lips. There was no denying it, no second guessing it. There was no doubt in my mind that he was my son.

“He’s beautiful,” I whispered, rubbing his head affectionately.

Love burst in my chest, so strong that it rocked me. How could I love someone I only just metsomuch? How was it possible he consumed so much of my heart already? One look…that was all it took. One look to know that I’d die for this little boy. I’d give my life a thousand times over—

“Why isn’t he moving? Is he sleeping?”

Tatiana still didn’t speak. I hunched forward, trying to catch her eyes, and what I saw made me stiffen. They were empty. No light or life. Just…emptiness. Pure emptiness.

I reached forward and cradled her jaw softly, turning her face towards me. “Tati.” Her eyes connected with mine and it was like getting stabbed in the heart. Those gorgeous hazel eyes I loved so much were dull and lifeless. She looked...broken. It was like her body was there but her mind was gone. I could feel her, see her sitting there right in front of me, and yet, she wasn’t there at all.

My eyes moved to the baby in her arms and the pieces clicked together. “No.” I shook my head, refusing to believe what I knew was already true. “No.” My legs gave out and I crashed to my knees, a pain unlike anything I’d ever experienced before splitting my heart wide open.

How? How did-what?I couldn’t think. Couldn't move. Couldn’t breathe. My son. Oh, God, my son. The pain…the agony…the guilt. It twisted inside me, clawing at my chest.

My eyes rose to Tatiana. My beautiful, strong Tatiana, who still hadn’t moved, still hadn’t talked. I knew in that moment that I had to be strong for her. I couldn’t crumble. I wasn’t there for her when she needed me—something I would never forgive myself for—but I could be there for her now. I could be her rock and hold her up.She needed me.It would be my time to crumble later.

That time came the following night when I got home from the hospital. I’d driven home on autopilot. To be honest, I couldn’t even remember the drive. I could barely remember what happened after discovering our son had died.

I think I blocked the whole thing out because it was just too painful. All I remember was trying to be there for Tatiana. Holding her. Holding our son until the nurses had to take him away.

I remember they had to literally pry him from my arms because I didn’t want to let him go. I remember Tatiana screaming for them not to take him. To take her instead. I remember her crying on my shoulder, clutching at me, begging me to make the pain stop.

Then, her sadness switched to an anger so swift, I hadn’t been prepared when she attacked me. She punched me, kicked me, screamed at me. And I took every blow… because I deserved it. One second she was begging me to hold her, and the next she was begging me to go, telling me she never wanted to see me again.

I didn’t want to leave her. I didn’t. But I couldn’t take the way she was looking at me. The contempt in her eyes, the hurt and the betrayal. I couldn’t take it. It ripped out what was left of my already-shattered heart.

When her father arrived at the hospital, I did what she asked and left.

“Nik?” There was a knock on the driver's side window. “Nik, what are you doing just sitting in the car?”

Is that Aleksandr?I didn’t know. It sounded like him.

I was drowning in a sea of black, thick darkness. It surrounded me and smothered me. It wanted to drag me under and crush me. I wanted to let it.

“Nikolai?” The door opened. Hands grasped my face. “Hey. What’s going on?”

I could hear his words, hear the worry in his voice, and yet I couldn’t respond. I was sinking further and further into the abyss, that ache in my chest consuming me to the point that I couldn’t see anything but my son’s face.

My beautiful son.

What if I didn’t ignore Tatiana’s call? What if I had been there? Would it have made a difference? Would my son be alive right now, in my arms, if I hadn't been the world's biggest asshole? If I had been there for Tatiana those last few months? Not caused her all that unnecessary stress?

Would he?

Would he?

The pit in my stomach grew bigger. The crushing, inescapable weight of shame and guilt all but consuming me. Devouring me. Stealing my breath. My words. My ability to move or think. I was dragged out of the car. Somehow, my legs worked. I don’t know how. I couldn’t feel anything. I was…numb.

“Nikolai. You’re scaring me. Hey. Hey!” Was he shaking me? My body was moving back and forth like I was being shaken. “Nik? Nik?!” A hand slapped my cheek and the blow was like ice water to the face, waking me up.

My eyes snapped to Aleksandr, who was holding my head in both hands, staring at me with fear lying deep in those blue orbs. Everything came crashing into me at once. The pain. The loss. The grief. What I’d done.

The guilt. Oh God, the guilt.

It was too much. It was all too much.

I wailed, a loud, piercing cry that rang out into the night, echoing into the trees. My legs gave out, like they couldn’t hold me up anymore, and I went crashing to the ground.

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